It doesn’t matter what the topic was. You know the drill. One person sets the other off, the other counters with something hurtful, the other reacts negatively, and so on.
It doesn’t matter what happened. What matters is what happened NEXT!
We’re all going to get into tiffs. We’re going to forget all the skills we’ve acquired through counseling, reading books and listening to sermons. We’re going to slip into our de-fault, as I’ve written before. Many of us have ingrained patterns of acting, and reacting, that are very destructive. Many of us won’t take the necessary steps to change those patterns. But, one thing we can all do is reset for restoration.
What do I mean by reset for restoration? I mean we use one of my favorite tools—pattern interruption. We don’t do what comes naturally, such as withdraw, pout, blow up, say harsh words, criticize, snap, curse, or become otherwise passive-aggressive. We have a change of mind where we notice what we’re doing, or tempted to do, and do otherwise.
In our case, I went to where my wife had laid down in bed and told her, “I love you.” She said she was sorry and asked if I was sorry. I told her I was. We embraced and reset for restoration. We’re set to have a wonderful weekend.
Contrast this story with one I listened to on Friday from a couple I am working with—specifically a phone consultation from the woman.
James and Cally have been married for twenty-years, “most of them pretty miserable.” James and Cally came to Washington several weeks earlier for a Marriage Intensive and had experienced remarkable change. They were willing to thoroughly explore their dysfunctional patterns, and learned new ones to replace them with.
“We made some great changes in Washington, but now we’re back to our old ways,” Cally said during a recent phone session. When I heard this I knew we were in for additional work. But, as they were both tired of living the way they had been living, and agreed again to work towards real change.
“I’m back to withdrawing,” Cally said angrily. “I feel so betrayed by James. He knows now how to behave. He knows I can’t stand it when he withdraws. Now I’m just so angry with him that I find myself withdrawing.”
“You expected things to stay the way you had left them in Washington,” I said. “Now it feels like it was all for nothing. Is that right?”
“Yep,” she said. “I just don’t want to live like this.”
“I can’t blame you Cally,” I said. “But, are you noticing your response to his stonewalling? You seem to be withdrawing into bitterness. You could approach him and try a ‘reset.’ Do you remember about ‘resets,’” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “And I know I should approach him and try to start over. I know that’s the best way, and I will I guess.”
“It’s never easy,” I suggested. “But it’s better than the alternative, which is for him to withdraw into silence, and you to either chip away at him or withdraw into bitterness. Neither get you what you want, which is connection.”
We discussed the matter further and decided to set up a couple’s phone session, which we did. During our phone session we reminded ourselves that “We’re in this together and we can figure this out.” Most important, we agreed to a ‘reset,’ which is an opportunity to start over.
Both decided to apologize for old patterns of behavior—his was to withdraw in silence as a way of protecting himself from her bitter barbs. Hers was either to chip away at him sarcastically, or withdraw into stony silence. They reached out to each other and recommitted to using the tools they had learned at the Marriage Intensive, and today are again happily connected.
Let’s look closer at how to Reset for Restoration.
First, restoration of a relationship is not a linear path. There will be bumps along the way and you must be prepared for them. Don’t be shaken when either of you revert to old patterns of behaving.
Second, discuss those old patterns, how they are likely to manifest themselves, and what the new path looks like. Anticipate where they are likely to creep into your relationship. Know your triggers, and agree to take it slowly when you approach these raw spots.
Third, agree to set limits on old patterns. When you slip into old ways of behaving, acknowledge them and call a Time Out. Step back, maintain control of your emotions, and give due respect to ‘raw spots.’ Don’t allow the conversation to spiral out of control.
Finally, when things do go sideways—as they will—agree to ‘reset for restoration.’ Agree that you want connection more than you want to be right. Agree that you want closeness rather than to rehash old issues. Find ways to come back together, closing the gap on the disconnect that has occurred. Smile, touch and reassure each of your love for them.
We must remind ourselves that we have the Spirit of God within us, and armed with this power we can break old patterns of behavior. While those patterns are powerful, we can break them and apply new patterns we are learning. We can ‘reset,’ picking up the pieces and setting our relationship back onto the path of restoration.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.” (II Corinthians 5: 16).
What old patterns do you struggle with? Share with us the impact of resetting for restoration. Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.
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