Saving Your Marriage

Saving Room for Feelings!

It was a typical encounter in counseling, the kind I’ve seen and experienced personally thousands of times.

“I don’t like the way he talks to me,” Kristine said, nodding toward her husband.

“And I don’t like the way you talk to me,” Ted countered.

“I’m not usually the one to start things,” Kristine said.

“I sure wouldn’t say that,” Ted responded.

“But when I tell you something that is bothering me, I do it with respect and calmness,” she continued. “You always have a bite in your voice. I’m not sure you even notice how you talk to me or the kids for that matter.”

As I listened to Kristine and Ted talk about their marriage of fifteen years, and specifically how they experienced each other, I became more aware that neither of them shared any feelings. Neither did either of them stop long enough to attempt to acknowledge how their mate was feeling.

Imagine the scene again, but this time each person saving room for feelings—their own and those of their mate. Imagine that each person created a space within themselves for their feelings and a space for their mates feelings. They remind themselves they don’t have to react to anything. They can remain calm, pulling themselves away from the conversation if they cannot remain balanced within.

Kristine begins, aware that she has been feeling hurt by her husband’s shortness with her. However, she has waited until she feels calm inside, careful not to come across in an accusatory manner.

“I don’t like the way you talk to me at times, Ted,” she begins. “When you come in at night after work you often speak harshly to me. That hurts my feelings.”

This time, after slowing down the process, he considers what she is saying. While feeling initially defensive, he tells himself that she can feel whatever way she feels and that is not necessarily a statement about him. Remaining calm, he can more fully attend to her.

“I hear you saying that I often hurt your feelings. I do think I talk harshly to you at times, and don’t stop long to imagine the impact of my words on you. Hearing that hurts my feelings as well and makes me feel sad. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“But you do, Ted,” she continues. “You seem angry when you come home, and very impatient. I walk on eggshells around you and don’t want to do that. I want to come close to you, not pull away from you.”

“I don’t really like hearing you tell me this Kristine,” Ted says, struggling within himself not to react. “But, I want to make room in our conversation for your feelings. Can I share mine with you?”

“Certainly,” she says, reminding herself to stay calm and listen. She didn’t have to accept everything Ted said, but she could listen—and listening feels good to everyone!

“I often feel taken for granted and unimportant,” he said. “I’d like to be greeted when I walk in the door and that doesn’t often happen. I feel ignored and then I start to feel anger.”

“That can’t feel very good,” Kristine said sympathetically, reminding herself that Ted’s feels aren’t always about her, but sometimes about him. She paused, letting Ted’s words sink in. She imagined the scene where he would come in at night, often very tired from his work. She imagined not greeting him and how their home was often in disarray because of their three children.

“I would like you to feel better when you come home at night,” she said sympathetically. “What can I do to help you?”

“I appreciate you asking,” he says. “Mostly you can greet me and let me know you’re happy to see me.”

“I can do that,” Kristine said, smiling. “That’s not asking too much.”

Let’s review what is happening with Kristine and Ted, and how we can learn much from their two very different interactions.

First, attempt to create a space for your and your mate’s feelings. Imagine creating a buffer zone between you and your mate where feelings can safely land. Remind yourself to breathe, relax and not take anything your mate says personally—even if they don’t say things perfectly and have a bit of a sting to them. You can acknowledge a hitch inside without reacting.

Second, remind yourself that everything your mate says is not necessarily about you, or if said about you, isn’t necessarily true. If they tell you that you hurt their feelings, for example, it may well be true that their feelings are hurt because of a combination of factors, including their own perceptions and history.

Third, acknowledge hearing them, including their feelings. Lean in, actively listening and taking responsibility where and when appropriate. Simply listening to your mate will go a long ways at calming down their agitated feelings. Validating their pain and your part in it will help to calm them.

Fourth, tune in to your own feelings, acknowledging when you need to step back because of defensive feelings. It’s okay to say, “I have to step back for a few minutes. I’m feeling defensive and can’t listen to you the way I want. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” You then take a little time to calm yourself down, reminding yourself not to take comments personally.

Finally, make an agreement with your mate that you will both practice remaining calm, listening attentively to each other’s feelings. With this agreement you can be assured that you are going to be heard at some point. Perhaps you won’t be heard initially, and must attend to your mate. But, if you do this effectively, they will want, and be able to, attend to you.

Rather than having “ping pong” conversations where you react to your mate and they react to you, cling to the Scriptural direction of being “slow to speak and slow to anger,” which allows you to truly listen, paying attention to your feelings and those of your mate.

I would like to hear from you. What do you about making a space for your feelings in your conversations with your mate? What have you found helpful in connecting to your mate? Please read more about my work at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com. 

Reset for Restoration

Christie and I had a tiff last evening. I said something, she said something, then I said something, and she said something. And then there was silence.

It doesn’t matter what the topic was. You know the drill. One person sets the other off, the other counters with something hurtful, the other reacts negatively, and so on.

It doesn’t matter what happened. What matters is what happened NEXT!

We’re all going to get into tiffs. We’re going to forget all the skills we’ve acquired through counseling, reading books and listening to sermons. We’re going to slip into our de-fault, as I’ve written before. Many of us have ingrained patterns of acting, and reacting, that are very destructive. Many of us won’t take the necessary steps to change those patterns. But, one thing we can all do is reset for restoration.

What do I mean by reset for restoration?  I mean we use one of my favorite tools—pattern interruption. We don’t do what comes naturally, such as withdraw, pout, blow up, say harsh words, criticize, snap, curse, or become otherwise passive-aggressive. We have a change of mind where we notice what we’re doing, or tempted to do, and do otherwise.

In our case, I went to where my wife had laid down in bed and told her, “I love you.” She said she was sorry and asked if I was sorry. I told her I was. We embraced and reset for restoration. We’re set to have a wonderful weekend.

Contrast this story with one I listened to on Friday from a couple I am working with—specifically a phone consultation from the woman.

James and Cally have been married for twenty-years, “most of them pretty miserable.” James and Cally came to Washington several weeks earlier for a Marriage Intensive and had experienced remarkable change. They were willing to thoroughly explore their dysfunctional patterns, and learned new ones to replace them with.

“We made some great changes in Washington, but now we’re back to our old ways,” Cally said during a recent phone session. When I heard this I knew we were in for additional work. But, as they were both tired of living the way they had been living, and agreed again to work towards real change.

“I’m back to withdrawing,” Cally said angrily. “I feel so betrayed by James. He knows now how to behave. He knows I can’t stand it when he withdraws. Now I’m just so angry with him that I find myself withdrawing.”

“You expected things to stay the way you had left them in Washington,” I said. “Now it feels like it was all for nothing. Is that right?”

“Yep,” she said. “I just don’t want to live like this.”

“I can’t blame you Cally,” I said. “But, are you noticing your response to his stonewalling? You seem to be withdrawing into bitterness. You could approach him and try a ‘reset.’ Do you remember about ‘resets,’” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “And I know I should approach him and try to start over. I know that’s the best way, and I will I guess.”

“It’s never easy,” I suggested. “But it’s better than the alternative, which is for him to withdraw into silence, and you to either chip away at him or withdraw into bitterness. Neither get you what you want, which is connection.”

We discussed the matter further and decided to set up a couple’s phone session, which we did. During our phone session we reminded ourselves that “We’re in this together and we can figure this out.” Most important, we agreed to a ‘reset,’ which is an opportunity to start over.

Both decided to apologize for old patterns of behavior—his was to withdraw in silence as a way of protecting himself from her bitter barbs. Hers was either to chip away at him sarcastically, or withdraw into stony silence. They reached out to each other and recommitted to using the tools they had learned at the Marriage Intensive, and today are again happily connected.

Let’s look closer at how to Reset for Restoration.

First, restoration of a relationship is not a linear path. There will be bumps along the way and you must be prepared for them. Don’t be shaken when either of you revert to old patterns of behaving.

Second, discuss those old patterns, how they are likely to manifest themselves, and what the new path looks like. Anticipate where they are likely to creep into your relationship. Know your triggers, and agree to take it slowly when you approach these raw spots.

Third, agree to set limits on old patterns. When you slip into old ways of behaving, acknowledge them and call a Time Out. Step back, maintain control of your emotions, and give due respect to ‘raw spots.’ Don’t allow the conversation to spiral out of control.

Finally, when things do go sideways—as they will—agree to ‘reset for restoration.’ Agree that you want connection more than you want to be right. Agree that you want closeness rather than to rehash old issues. Find ways to come back together, closing the gap on the disconnect that has occurred. Smile, touch and reassure each of your love for them.

We must remind ourselves that we have the Spirit of God within us, and armed with this power we can break old patterns of behavior. While those patterns are powerful, we can break them and apply new patterns we are learning. We can ‘reset,’ picking up the pieces and setting our relationship back onto the path of restoration.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.” (II Corinthians 5: 16).

What old patterns do you struggle with? Share with us the impact of resetting for restoration. Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Remember Who You Really Are!

My associate and I watched in amazement as Geoff shifted from being pleasant and loving, to cold, hard and perhaps even calculating. He had been sitting facing his wife, Beth, smiling and interacting lovingly during the last fifteen minutes of the Marriage Intensive.

In a moment, immediately after I asked Geoff if he would be willing to talk about his wife’s recent emotional affair, he snapped.

“I don’t have any feelings about it,” he said matter-of-factly, turning away from us. He pulled out his cell phone to check the time, as Beth touched him softly, asking him to please talk about this.

“Nothing to say,” he said coldly. “I don’t know what you all want me to say, but I have nothing to say about this. We can sit here all day if you want, but I have nothing to say.”

My associate and I looked at each other in amazement. We had seen small glimpses of this before, but nothing this striking. Warm and engaging one minute, cold and aloof the next.

Geoff was not angry. He looked at us blankly, offering little and certainly willing to give even less. He had disappeared behind an invisible plexiglass screen. He was physically here, but emotionally in a distant land. His wife had witnessed this hundreds of times before and had learned to accommodate to it, albeit in a destructive way.

“This happens all the time,” Beth said softly. “If I get too close to him, he clams up. If I push now, he will get angry and then we won’t talk for days. I’ve learned to just leave him alone, and we will never talk about my emotional affair. But, I can’t take this anymore. It’s too crazy for me.”

Her response had no visible impact on Geoff. He fiddled with his moustache and watched as we tried to consider our next intervention. My associate and I were still perplexed as to this seamless movement between his warm, jovial self and his distant, detached and slightly annoyed self. We spent the next hour talking to Geoff, who explained he had no control over switching between selves. He didn’t voluntarily move from present to absent; from contact to detachment; from engaging to vacant. It was automatic, a response to threat.

An in-depth history from Geoff revealed he was raised by an abusive, alcoholic who had humiliated him for any vulnerability. Subsequently, he learned to guard that vulnerable part of his personality, showing it only to his wife during playful exchanges. When she came to close to any real pain, he forgot who he really was---a wonderful, caring, sensitive man, loved by her, God and many others---and shifted into a detached, insensitive and even mean-spirited man.

Our work during the Intensive was deep and at times painful, yet Geoff was ready for emotional surgery. To our surprise, Geoff announced, “I’m tired of carrying my dad around with me. I want to shed the weight of his anger and abuse and start living the way I know God wants me to live. I want to remember who I really am—a child of God’s. In the safety of The Marriage Recovery Center, the four of us created a safe container for Geoff, and a certain extent Beth, to distinguish between parts of their personality. This is work all of us can and should do.

        

First, recognize that we all have parts to our personalities. Sometimes these parts are subtle and hardly noticeable. Sometimes, as in the case of Geoff, the parts are very separate and distinct. Often times these parts are isolated from each other and don’t interact with each other, shifting from part to part without awareness. We see this when we fly into a rage, or slip into a depression. We see this when we move from lighthearted laughter to sullen sadness.

Second, we can learn to integrate these different aspects of our personality. It is natural to have different aspects to our personality, and trouble occurs only when we refuse to acknowledge these different parts. It is tempting, and perhaps even unconscious, to cut of parts of ourselves because of early pain and trauma in our lives. We must learn to love and accept our parts, interacting with them and essentially asking them what they want from us.

Third, try to act and feel from our core, true self. It is helpful to remember who we really are, reminding ourselves that we are children of God (I John 3: 1) and are loved by Him. We have been created to shine forth his light, to love others and to love God. When we interact with others from this core part of our personality, we are loving, gentle and caring. We make healthy decisions and make true contact and connection with our mate. We are vulnerable and receptive to love. We live out the fruits of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and faithfulness. (Galatians 5:22)

Fourth, catch yourself shifting into another aspect of your personality, asking that part of you what is needed. Sometimes these other parts of ourselves have been abused and neglected and are desperate for love and gentleness. That part of you needs caring and compassion. But, it can be frightening to sit with our pain and integrate that aspect of ourselves into our personality. To not do so, however, leads to the craziness exhibited by Geoff in his relationship to Beth.

Finally, remember who you really are. Slipping into an angry, detached, perhaps even mean-spirited part of your personality may be seamless and natural. However, doing so will create disruption in your connection to your mate. Doing so will keep that part of you from growing up and receiving all that your mate, and God, have for you. It’s time to remember who you really are and how you have been created by God to be.

Reflect on this Scripture.

“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” (I John 3: 2)

I would like to hear from you. What do you think about loving and accepting the different aspects of our personality? Have you seen this unconscious shifting at work in your marriage? What have you found helpful in connecting to your mate? Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.