“How are you two?” I asked Jeffrey and Maggie, a young couple who sat frozen in their chairs. She looked out my window, while he watched her. They had shared briefly in a phone conversation that this would be their last attempt to save their short marriage.
“Great,” Maggie said sarcastically. “Just great. I can’t trust him and I don’t think he really wants to save this marriage.”
“This is not going to be about ‘fixing Jeffrey,’” he said sternly. “I’m just not going to do it. It’s not only ‘fix Jeffrey.’”
“Never said it was,” she replied hotly.
“But you focus on my anger, and won’t talk about yours,” he protested.
“That’s because you have an anger problem and won’t admit it,” she retorted.
“Folks,” I interrupted. “Is this how it goes with you, pointing fingers at the other, defending yourself, and round and round it goes?”
“This is a mild version of it,” Jeffrey said, letting out a huge sigh. Maggie rolled her eyes in disgust.
I began with a lecture I give every couple that comes to see me either in my private office or at The Marriage Recovery Center. It’s a speech everyone, including myself, needs to hear. It’s a message of hope, but most important, it’s a message of cooperation.
“Jeffrey and Maggie. You’ve come to see me because your marriage is in trouble. However, you seem to be pointing the finger of blame at the other. While that is completely natural, and in some ways to be expected, solving problems only comes from working together.
Both nodded their heads, appearing relieved that there was hope of being able to end their battle, seeking solutions cooperatively. As we worked together over the following weeks, we emphasized the following points that have helped countless couples collaborate in seeking reconciliation.
First, problems are created together, and thus solutions must be found together. While we may initially want to believe that one person is the culprit, “the bad guy/ girl,” this is rarely the case. Both have behaviors that must change to bring healing to their relationship.
Second, by working together, co-laboring, we can work things out. I’ve said to hundreds of couples “the process is the problem, and therefore the process is the solution.” It doesn’t matter what we are arguing about, the fact that we are arguing, pointing fingers, shifting responsibility and playing the victim, renders us helpless to solve problems. Working together creates a synergy where problems are solved much more easily.
Third, collaboration releases creative emotional and spiritual empowerment to solve problems. Solving problems is nearly impossible when stuck in our small, narrow self-centered perspective. However, when we lock arms, submitting to God and seeking God’s wisdom, we cooperate and more easily find new ways of agreeing on problems and solutions.
Fourth, collaboration invites and embraces wisdom from each other. When released from our narrow, self-centered, wounded perspective, we truly listen to our mate. We empathize with their pain and connect to them in new ways. We want the best for them and are more willing to look at “our stuff.” Freed from condemnation, we stop hiding and dodging responsibility.
Finally, as we work together to figure things out, we discover a new level of connection. We fall in love with our mate all over again. With humility, we don’t think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think (Romans 12: 3) and rediscover the beauty and value of our mate.
If you are locked in a power struggle with your mate, step back, take a breath, and consider solving the problem together. Let go of your anger and realize that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” (Matthew 12: 25) Relax, remembering the good traits of your mate, and work together in solving your marital problems.
I would like to hear from you. What do you think about the concept of collaboration? Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.
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