I Care About You Too Much To Argue

Arriving home late the other night, I wasn’t aware of being irritable. Certainly I was tired from a long day of counseling, and I received several concerning phone calls just as I was preparing to leave the office.

         

As I walked in the door of my home I noticed that my wife, Christie was busy on the computer.

“Hello,” she said, obviously engrossed in something important.

“Hello” I said, feeling a bit put off by her busyness.

Unaware of my irritation, I shuffled by her and went upstairs and began changing my clothes. She came upstairs after me.

“You okay?” she asked. “You seem a bit distant.”

“I’m fine,” I said, still uncertain as to what I was feeling. “But, you could have greeted me nicer when I walked in.”

“You’re right,” she said. “Welcome home.”

“Well, it doesn’t mean as much now,” I said sharply. “Why didn’t you get up and greet me when I came in.”

“David,” she said, pausing. “I love you too much to argue with you.”

“I’m not arguing,” I countered. “I just want to know why you didn’t get up when I came in. You hardly looked up.”

“David,” she said again calmly. “I love you too much to argue with you. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”

Her words now began to sink in. In fact, we had rehearsed them a week earlier. How quickly I forgot them.

Having just finished our most recent book, Love and Logic Magic for a Lasting Relationship, using Love and Logic principles, we literally wrote the book on this technique—refusing to engage in arguing. We had not only written about it, but had challenged others to refuse to argue as well. Here I was, weeks after the completion of the book, slipping into old, destructive, argumentative behavior. Ouch!

I stepped back and smiled.

“Good job,” I said, the potentially volatile scene diffused by my insight.

“Thank you,” she said. “Have you had a tough day?”

“Yes,” I said. “And I need a hug.”

Christie quickly obliged as I told her of my tiredness. Not only had we averted an argument, but I felt soothed and comforted by her presence. I was in a win-win situation—not only did I not add insult to my already ruffled feelings, but had the close relationship to my wife that I enjoy.

Let’s take a closer look at this strategy that you, too can use in your relationship.

First, refuse to argue. Oh yes, I know this is much easier said than done. But, if you anticipate situations that arise, ruffling your feelings, you can also anticipate how to handle them more effectively. Consider all of your relationships—with mate, friends, colleagues—and determine not to engage in arguments.

Second, be alert. Catch yourself walking into the courtroom of life-- where you want to engage in an argument, where you want to poke at someone, where you want to prove a point—into the sanctuary, where you want to connect and be at peace with your mate, your friends and others in your life.

Third, have a ready response, such as ‘I care about you too much to argue with you.’ This simple phrase is disarming. If you refuse to get hooked by someone’s challenging behavior, you will be much safer. “It takes two to tango,” so if someone tries engaging you in a battle, but you refuse to show up, a fight cannot occur. Plus your words can be felt as soothing and comforting, further deescalating a volatile situation.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12: 18) This powerful Scripture makes our response clear—be at peace with everyone. While I can only be accountable for my response, my response is powerful. Christie refused to fight with me, and subsequently no fight occurred. She lived out the Scripture beautifully, while it took me a little longer to live peacefully.

Finally, make it your goal to refuse to argue. Stay out of the courtroom in your relationships. Simply refuse to argue and more important, practice the art of neutralizing arguments by telling your friend, mate or colleague that you care too much about your relationship with them to engage in fruitless arguing.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.                           

When You’re Asked to Leave!

Sam, a thirty-five year old man, tearfully shared how he had watched his kids waving goodbye to him from the living room window as he left the family home and moved into the apartment he rented. He was entering a land completely unfamiliar to him.

“I really didn’t see it coming,” Sam shared in his sharp, educated voice. “Don’t know if I should have seen it, but I didn’t."

“What happened?” I asked. “Tell me your story.”

“She told me a couple weeks ago she was thinking about a separation. She said she ‘d been trying to tell me how unhappy she was for years.”

“And you don’t remember those comments?” I asked.

“Oh sure,” he said angrily, “but it’s one thing to tell me she needs change. It’s something else to tell me to leave my home, my kids, my family.”

Sam’s bitterness began to show. As Sam told of events leading to his marital separation, he was flooded with emotion—anger, hurt, sadness, even feelings of betrayal.

“It just seems like there are so many other ways Shar could have dealt with this. Asking me—no telling me—to leave is harsh. Why shouldn’t she leave? Why do I have to leave my home?”

“You didn’t have to leave, Sam,” I said. “But, to stay in a relationship where you are not wanted only creates more distrust and resentment. If you want a shot at saving this marriage, making things hard on her isn’t going to help your cause."

“It still hurts,” Sam said. 

“Yes,” I said. “I don’t think there is any nice way to ask for a separation. But, I hear you. There’s no nice way to receive the news of an impending separation either.”

“There sure isn’t,” he said. “Now I have to figure out if there is anything I can do to save the marriage, or if I just move on with my life. That’s what my friends tell me. If she wants a life alone, let her feel the impact of her choices.”

“I suggest we move very slowly,” I said. “Let’s consider life from her perspective and then you can decide what you want to do. How does that sound?”

“Nothing sounds good to me now,” he said. “All it sounds like is a bunch of bad options. And I know I need to try to figure this out.”

With that we spent the next several months considering his choices, while also helping him process the magnitude of the quake that had hit his life.

First, consider what has happened and the context in which it has happened. Women, (or men), don’t simply wake up one morning and leave their marriage or ask their mate to leave. The tumult has usually been occurring for months, leading up to the request for a mate to leave. Take some time to put the event into context. Step back and try to create a story that makes sense. This will probably require professional assistance.

Second, look critically for needs that have not been met. A request for a separation is usually a drastic action to find relief from ongoing pain. We either meet needs directly, and efficiently, or indirectly, and often painfully. Sam’s wife, as it turns out, had been trying to get his attention for years but he had not heard the warning cries. She had felt abandoned, neglected and ignored. Her request for him to leave was a request for space so she could consider her next move. She needed to know if Sam would really look at his behaviors that played a role in her unhappiness.

Third, take responsibility for your part in this action. While tempting to play the victim, this won’t be helpful. Though tempting to slip into bitterness and anger, these emotions, while understandable, won’t help you work cooperatively with your mate in the days ahead. Blame simply doesn’t work. What is needed is cultivating the ability to be pragmatic, accepting your part in this separation and working on those issues that have come to light.

Fourth, pay attention to her feelings/ needs. While you are flooded with your needs, remember that she has feelings about this separation as well. Mates who request the separation often have feelings of anger, discouragement, distrust and sadness. They, too face a life of uncertainty and the possibility of the end of a marriage. They wonder why their mate hasn’t listened and responded to their requests for change. They feel anger if now, after a separation, their mate finally agrees to counseling and change. They distrust promises to change.

Fifth, take things slowly. Don’t panic. Don’t rush off to an attorney’s office. Don’t rush in, making promises to change. Don’t send gifts, cards, lengthy letters or make other efforts that only serve to overwhelm your mate. Don’t feel that you have to change everything in a few, short weeks. Time can be your best ally. Surround yourself with trustworthy friends who will offer needed encouragement.

Finally, be sensitive and considerate. Consider what is now needed. Pray for wisdom to know how to act. Listen. Your faith will be invaluable as you develop trust in God as a source of wisdom and strength, seeking His comfort in these troubling times. Choose healthy, wise counsel, while rejecting hurtful, insensitive counsel. Develop faith that knows this is a marathon, not a sprint. Consider there are often opportunities to save marriages with healthy responses. Certainly this is an opportunity to enrich your faith and make painful, but healthy change.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

We’re In This Together, and We Can Figure It Out!

The couple entered my office stiffly; their icy stares belying what would erupt moments later.

“How are you two?” I asked Jeffrey and Maggie, a young couple who sat frozen in their chairs. She looked out my window, while he watched her. They had shared briefly in a phone conversation that this would be their last attempt to save their short marriage.

“Great,” Maggie said sarcastically. “Just great. I can’t trust him and I don’t think he really wants to save this marriage.”

“This is not going to be about ‘fixing Jeffrey,’” he said sternly. “I’m just not going to do it. It’s not only ‘fix Jeffrey.’”

“Never said it was,” she replied hotly.

“But you focus on my anger, and won’t talk about yours,” he protested.

“That’s because you have an anger problem and won’t admit it,” she retorted.

“Folks,” I interrupted. “Is this how it goes with you, pointing fingers at the other, defending yourself, and round and round it goes?”

“This is a mild version of it,” Jeffrey said, letting out a huge sigh. Maggie rolled her eyes in disgust.

I began with a lecture I give every couple that comes to see me either in my private office or at The Marriage Recovery Center. It’s a speech everyone, including myself, needs to hear. It’s a message of hope, but most important, it’s a message of cooperation.

“Jeffrey and Maggie. You’ve come to see me because your marriage is in trouble. However, you seem to be pointing the finger of blame at the other. While that is completely natural, and in some ways to be expected, solving problems only comes from working together.

Both nodded their heads, appearing relieved that there was hope of being able to end their battle, seeking solutions cooperatively. As we worked together over the following weeks, we emphasized the following points that have helped countless couples collaborate in seeking reconciliation.

First, problems are created together, and thus solutions must be found together. While we may initially want to believe that one person is the culprit, “the bad guy/ girl,” this is rarely the case. Both have behaviors that must change to bring healing to their relationship.

Second, by working together, co-laboring, we can work things out. I’ve said to hundreds of couples “the process is the problem, and therefore the process is the solution.” It doesn’t matter what we are arguing about, the fact that we are arguing, pointing fingers, shifting responsibility and playing the victim, renders us helpless to solve problems. Working together creates a synergy where problems are solved much more easily.

Third, collaboration releases creative emotional and spiritual empowerment to solve problems. Solving problems is nearly impossible when stuck in our small, narrow self-centered perspective. However, when we lock arms, submitting to God and seeking God’s wisdom, we cooperate and more easily find new ways of agreeing on problems and solutions.

Fourth, collaboration invites and embraces wisdom from each other. When released from our narrow, self-centered, wounded perspective, we truly listen to our mate. We empathize with their pain and connect to them in new ways. We want the best for them and are more willing to look at “our stuff.” Freed from condemnation, we stop hiding and dodging responsibility.

Finally, as we work together to figure things out, we discover a new level of connection. We fall in love with our mate all over again. With humility, we don’t think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think (Romans 12: 3) and rediscover the beauty and value of our mate.

If you are locked in a power struggle with your mate, step back, take a breath, and consider solving the problem together. Let go of your anger and realize that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” (Matthew 12: 25) Relax, remembering the good traits of your mate, and work together in solving your marital problems.

I would like to hear from you. What do you think about the concept of collaboration? Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Active Listening: Slicing It Thinner

The middle-aged couple sat in front of me, preparing to participate in a three day Marriage Intensive. They had participated in weekly counseling situations several times over the years, but always left feeling they had received a Band-Aid for their problems, and no real cure.

Cary was a gruff, weathered fifty year old man who made it clear he didn’t really want to be here, and his wife, Maggie, didn’t seem a lot more excited. Both feigned enthusiasm, but it was quite obvious their emotional struggle had taken its toll on them.

“We feel pretty drained,” Maggie admitted. “We’ve been battling each other for years, and this is a last-ditch effort to save things. We’re both prepared to just be done if this doesn’t work.”

Cary nodded his head, his face showing no emotion.

“How about you?” I asked him. “Where are you at?”

“I’ve prepared myself for anything,” he said. “We’ve got thirty years invested in each other, so I don’t want it to end. But, this is draining.”

“What is draining?” I asked curiously.

“She seems angry all the time,” Cary said. “I can’t do anything to please her. I think she wants somebody else and I’d rather give her the freedom she wants than fight with her.”

“Hold it,” Maggie blurted. “It’s you who I want. But, I want you to really care about me. I want you to get me. I want you, and a marriage, where we care about and hear each other.”

“I have a question for both of you,” I said. “I’d like you to think about this. Maggie, do you believe that Cary really listens to, and understands you? Cary, do you believe that Maggie really listens to you and understands you?”

Both started shaking their head before I could call upon them.

“You both had a quick reaction to my question. I sense some voltage in you, like this might be a ‘hot spot’. Let’s talk about your answers.

We spent the next two hours not only talking about their disappointment with each other, but practicing a new way of listening to each other that I call ‘slicing it thinner.’ Both felt considerably better after our exercise and agreed to try it during the break before our next session. Here are the steps.

First, put your defensiveness aside. Okay, this is much easier said than done, but if you do not turn down the volume on the ‘yes, but....” you can never really hear what your mate is saying. You must acknowledge your defensiveness—the part of you that feels threatened, vulnerable, upset about what your mate is saying---tell yourself this ‘interference’ will stop you from being fully present to your mate.

Second, acknowledge the heart of what they are saying. Having turned down the volume on your defensiveness, repeat to them what you heard them say. “So, you’re saying….” Repeat this until you’ve accurately reflected the heart of what they are saying. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to understand it.

Third, slice it thinner. This means you ask questions so you understand the fullness of what they are saying. “Are you saying…” “Do you mean…” Cary learned to listen to Maggie, reflecting to her that he understood her feelings of exhaustion and frustration at his defensiveness. Maggie learned that Cary felt disrespected when she became angry and made accusations against him. Both learned to slow things down so they could more easily hear their mate.

Fourth, keep the emotion manageable. Nothing prevents true listening like heated emotion. Anger tends to narrow our focus, exaggerate our responses and pit us against our mate. Discouragement can lead us to hear only the worst part of what our mate is saying to us. Every couple longing to be listened to must keep their emotion manageable. They must learn to call ‘Time Outs’ if necessary to make certain they are in an emotional space to hear their mate.

Fifth, slowly digest the truth of what they are saying.  Keeping your defensiveness volume turned down, or set aside, you consider what your mate is saying. While you may want to argue with your mate, don’t. Consider what they are saying and the truth of it. If you cannot digest and agree with all of what your mate is saying, see if you can agree with a ‘kernel of truth’ in what they are saying. Reflect to your mate that you hear the value of what they are saying to you.

Scripture tells us that we should be “quick to listen and slow to speak.” (James 1: 19) This certainly goes against our innate tendency to be quick to speak and slow to listen. Healthy couples perfect the art of listening, and this not only diffuses conflict but creates a powerful, loving connection. Try ‘slicing it thinner’ and notice the impact on both you and your mate.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.