Jackie always wanted to be a mother, and has delighted in her young family. She has never regretted having three children—until recently, when it seems like she is raising four children instead of three.
“Why do I have to be the one to notice what needs doing around the house?” Jackie said in a recent counseling session, motioning to her husband, Michael. “I work full time, and you work full time, but it seems like I have to do ninety percent of the household chores.”
A pleasant man with the short stubble of a goatee, Michael winced at hearing Jackie’s words. He took a moment before responding.
“You’re always nagging and I hate it,” he answered sharply. “Just because I don’t do things on your time schedule, doesn’t mean I don’t get the job done. Maybe my standards aren’t as high as yours.”
“Exactly!” Jackie said, raising her arms in disgust. “I’m exhausted. It sure doesn’t feel like we’re in this thing together. You wanted three kids just like me. You wanted a home just like me. But, when I get home you’re either playing on your X Box or watching television, with dishes in the sink and jelly on the countertops. I can’t live like this.”
Michael sat quietly, staring at his wife.
“This is what happens at home,” Jackie said sadly. “I know I rant and rave, and he doesn’t talk to me. I can’t keep my anger in any more. I want a husband, a partner, not another child to raise.”
Jackie’s words were brutal, undoubtedly hurting Michael, creating even more distance. Like many other couples, they are caught in a vicious cycle: she attacks, he withdraws. She shifts into a parental role, gets angry by ranting and raving, he settles into a child role, getting mad by withdrawing into silence or muttering obscenities. Both are very frustrated, and if the pattern doesn’t change, their marriage will be in even more trouble than it’s already in.
Let’s consider the path out of this destructive cycle.
One, understand that neither partner is happy with this arrangement. While it is tempting to see one as the victim and the other as the villain, neither party is happy. Both must see the destructiveness of their pattern—hers with ranting, raving and being over-responsible, his with muttering and withdrawing into passive-aggressive silence.
Two, both must renegotiate their roles. Clearly she cannot continue being over-responsible, and he cannot continue shirking his duties by being under-responsible. They must calm down, listen to one another, and renegotiate their roles. They must become creative, finding ways to agree on how they choose to run the family together.
Third, after agreeing to their assigned roles, both must agree to give up their unhealthy styles—hers of ranting and raving while continuing to do the lions share of chores, and his of angrily withdrawing and avoiding being responsible.
Fourth, agree that both must stick to their agreements. An agreement is a sacred trust and failure to keep an agreement should be dealt with seriously. Agreements are boundaries that create predictability and structure for a family and its members.
Finally, failure to live by the agreement, and boundaries, must have consequences. Boundaries and consequences are part of everyday life, and must be part of marriage. For example, if she rants and raves, she must wash and wax his car. If he fails to do his agreed upon responsibilities, or withdraws in silence, he must take her out for a fancy dinner.
An unbalanced marriage can create havoc in a marriage. An unbalanced marriage is irresponsible, and in fact is against God’s economy—“each person should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6: 5) Balance of responsibility must be restored, as well as talking in an “adult to adult” manner. No one wants to “parent” their mate, and no one wants to be “parented.” Agree today to give up these immature styles of relating and let us know how it works for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment