Hiding Behind Blame

At the first Weekend By the Sea women’s retreat I sat with six women. While each had unique stories, there were definite themes. Most came feeling resentful, sad and alone, hoping to find answers to lingering questions about why their relationships weren’t working.

The first day and a half most of the women seemed stuck in feeling sorry for themselves. Suddenly, one woman blurted out. 

"I get it," Jackie said, a fifty-five year old woman who had flown to Seattle from the East

Coast to participate in the women’s codependency retreat. "Before I learned about codependency, and my part in the dysfunctional dance I'm doing with my husband, I was blaming everything on him. Now I'm not going to be able to hide behind that anymore."

The other women participating in the women’s codependency workshop looked at her in disbelief.

"What do you mean?" another woman asked angrily. "Our husbands and boyfriends have caused us a lot of pain. I've suffered a lot from my boyfriend's bad behavior."

"No doubt," Jackie said. “I have wanted to believe it’s all my husband, and I guess I’m beginning to look at things differently. I don’t think blaming him is fair anymore. I convinced myself for years that all my sadness had to do with him not meeting my needs. But I’m really getting it now. I don’t do all that well meeting my own needs, and I resent his needs.”

The room was quiet. Facilitating this women’s retreat had been a challenge for me. I wasn’t sure how well everyone would handle looking at their relationship to their Self, a topic rarely talked about in Christian circles. But, believing it was time to venture into this professional territory, I broke the silence.

“We talk a lot about others taking advantage of us,” I said, “but how can they do that without our permission? We talk a lot about holding our own, but what does that mean? Holding our own what?”

The women nodded and Jackie began speaking again.

“Like I said,” she continued, “it’s a lot easier to blame Blake (her husband) for everything. But, doing that just keeps me resentful and besides, I don’t have to look at my stuff. It’s much easier to be angry with him for our problems than it is to look at my poor boundaries and how I settle for things I don’t really want to settle for.”

“Like what?” another woman asked.

“Well,” Jackie began slowly. “Where to begin? What I’m learning here is that I must hold onto my own truths. I must stand firm with my convictions. I don’t do that. I let others, including Blake, talk me out of what I think and believe. I must prayerfully consider what is right for me, and then discuss how to meet each other’s needs. I get thrown off track so easily. I’ve got so much work to do.”

“Yes, yes,” Delores, another woman said. “I’ve caught myself talking a lot about my boyfriend here, and you’ve had to get me back on track, talking about my lack of convictions and clear boundaries.”

The group began responding to Jackie’s words, clearly making an impact.

“Everyone thinks I’m so sweet,” Claire said. “I’m really tired of everyone thinking I’m so sweet when inside I’m seething. Everyone knows I’ll do anything for anyone, but won’t ask anyone to do anything for me. Everyone thinks I’m happily married when I’m miserable. This is crazy!”

“Holding our own doesn’t have to be an angry stance,” I suggested. “We don’t have to respond to bad behavior with equally bad behavior. Scripture tells us to “stand firm. I think that can apply to us standing firm for what we believe to be right and true.”

Kate nodded demonstrably, and asked if she could share a Scripture.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” (Ephesians 6: 13)

“Yes,” I said. “We don’t need to apologize or shrink back from standing firm for the truth. And, we can know the truth by knowing Scripture. Often, however, we cave in to the agendas of others. Then we resent them, when all the while it is largely our own lack of clear boundaries.”

“So,” Jackie said. “Now that I know I’m blaming Blake for everything, what are some things I can do to live with integrity?”

I shared some thoughts on the matter.

First, be clear about your own convictions. You cannot know what you must "stand firm" about until you know what is important to you. While this may sound simple, it can actually be a challenging process of reflection and consideration.

Second, create a space within yourself to hold these truths. Like a precious treasure, you must “guard your heart.” (Proverbs 4: 23) Don’t cast your truths about without care.

These are invaluable truths about what you need to take good care of yourself.

Third, cultivate a healing community. We all need friends who will help us nourish our truths. These friends must be nurturing, but also willing to confront us when we slip into “playing the victim.” Our healing community must also include a strong and vibrant relationship with God who gives us wisdom.

Finally, celebrate victories. While we certainly need a healing and supportive community, and a nourishing relationship with God, we need a healing and nourishing relationship with ourselves as well. 

Celebrate small and large steps of progress, watching our decision-making skills grow.

I’d like to hear from you. Have you been hiding in blaming others? Is it time for you to take more responsibility for your life? Please read more about Codependency in my book, “When Pleasing Others is Hurting You” and explore more about my Marriage Intensives, Weekend By the Sea Retreats and Wildfire Marriage Interventions at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

The Futility of Blame

Many people write to me angry about the behavior of someone in their life. Their emails are filled with justifications for their right to be angry, hurt and resentful. They offer a litany of abusive behaviors which led them to the conclusion that they are the wounded party and have a right to either end the marriage or blame their mate for their misery.

It is nearly impossible to tease apart who is “right” and who is “wrong,” and in fact such an effort nearly always ends in futility. Why? Because relationships are much too complex to label one person “bad” and another “good.” Understanding humanity, we know that all are fully capable of doing “bad” things, and with God’s grace, also capable of much good.

Far too much conversation and conflict takes on an adversarial quality. We point fingers, level blame, collect hurts and wounds, and then begin to make a determination that our mate is “the crazy one.” This is not to say that there aren’t CrazyMakers in our world, because surely there are. However, as many have come to realize, we develop CrazyMaking tactics ourselves.

As you consider become healthier, I suggest the first tactic to give up completely is blame. Again, blame says:

·      “You are wrong and I am right.”

·      “You are bad and I am good.”

·      “I am completely justified in treating you badly because of what you have done to me.”

·      “Your faults are much greater than mine.”

·      “I have a right to feel righteous indignation.”

Now again, be careful about thinking too simplistically. There certainly are times when we have been wronged and can understandably feel hurt. But, we don’t want to camp there. We don’t want to drive a stake and take on a “victim” position. This will only keep us stuck. Each of us are fully responsible for our lives and must make difficult decisions at times to preserve our sanity.

Listen to the following story of a man who decided to stop the destructive patterns in a troubled marriage. He certainly seems to have tried everything possible to preserve his marriage even in establishing a separation.

Dear Dr. David. I read your book about dealing with CrazyMakers twice, once in a panic-state while trying to save my marriage and again after being separated for seven months.  I actually read it the second time without looking for some magic fix to my wife’s problem.  Your book saved my sanity.  I realize there was nothing to be done that would have mattered and everything attempted was only enabling a sickness.  She moved out in February taking every stick of furniture except my bed, demanding that I pay for her apartment.  The toxicity has mostly left my thinking and been replaced with objectivity.  Her periodic threats, text messages and angry voice messages are almost pitiful, now that I understand it is a five-year-old maturity level and not a forty-eight year old woman.   Had it not been for your book, they certainly would have “hooked” me into the painful cycle once again. 

I am trying now not to blame her. We got hooked into patterns of blaming each other that was not healthy. She is responsible for what happens in her life now and is no longer in a position to blame me.  When our mutual friends attempt to tell me what is going on with her, I politely change the subject or ask them to stop.  Rescuing doesn’t work.  Blaming her doesn’t work. Appeasing doesn’t work.  Giving in doesn’t work.  No contact works, if only for me, if only for now. 

I still ask God to bless her and take care of her as only He can.  Not because I’m not furious with her, but because she is very wounded and very damaged from a long time ago.  Thank you for your book, as it helped me to find my way during a very difficult time. I’m still not sure what will happen to our marriage, but apart, I am able to think clearer and make better decisions.

There is a saying that says, “Muddy water left alone becomes clear.” It seems that this is true for this man. He has given up the fight and certainly sounds healthier because of it.

If you are like me, you’ve been in relationship/marriage situations where you make decisions from a state of panic. You’re angry, hurt, wounded and desperately want your mate to act differently. You want to control the situation, and so shift to the one tactic we’ve had in our genes from the beginning of time: blame.

But, blame doesn’t work. It never has worked. While it may make you feel powerful, tough and self-righteous, it doesn’t help heal. Understanding works. Empathy works. Objectivity works. Self-reflection and acceptance of responsibility works. Cooperating with your mate in seeking solutions works.

Relationships are difficult at times. Filled with passion and emotion, it can be extremely hard to make sense out of things. I suggest a beginning place to sort our your marriage and relationship problems: give up blame. Share your hurt with your mate, but give up blame. Share your fragility and fear, but give up blame. Share your panic, but give up blame. Step back, seek Godly counsel, and give up blame. It simply alienates, wounds and is futile in solving problems.

Please let me know what you think about giving up blame. What experiences do you have with blame? What has helped, and what has hurt when it comes to blame? 

Time For Us

Life is frantic. There are children to feed, a home to clean, a job to attend to, bills to pay, and then there’s the marriage—usually in that order. At times the marriage feels like another obligation, rather than a relationship that recharges your batteries so you enjoy life.

A majority of households now are dual-income families. Many are dual-income, blended families, adding yet another layer of complexity to the situation. Raising children in an atmosphere of financial pressures can be hard enough, but how do we find time for us? These are questions more and more couples are asking, and there is no simple answer.

A recent email elucidates the problem.

Dear Dr. David. I really do not have a comment but I did thoroughly enjoy the article. My question is what suggestions would you have for a married couple that’s been married six years with a 17-month-old? Usually when I get home from work I try to spend time with both my wife and toddler. It was suggested that the first 20 minutes should be spent talking with your spouse in a quiet place but it is hard to do that when we have a toddler running around. When it's time for dinner I find it heard to carry on conversations because my wife doesn't talk much when she normally initiates the conversations and myself normally not being the initiator. Any advise or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

                                                                        --Lonely Husband

Have you encountered a similar experience in your relationship? Do you have any advice to share with our readers? There is no simple solution and each couple will have to tailor ways to spend quality time together. Please share what has worked for you.

Children Lost in the Shuffle

With the divorce rate hovering between fifty and sixty percent of marriages, blended families have become a norm in our society. While we have learned much about blended families, and how they can overcome natural obstacles to develop healthy, stable family life, greater numbers of children are caught in the throes of their parent’s difficulties.

Not only do children from blended families face challenges unknown to children from bio-families, greater numbers of grandparents find themselves trying to pick up the pieces from their children’s challenges. These grandparents are not only ill-prepared to manage these young children, but face unique pressures from their children, ex-children-in-law as well as the grandchildren themselves.

A recent email elucidates the problem.

Dear Dr. David. My husband and I are in our mid-fifties, and never in a million years expected to be parents again. But, that’s what we are to our two grandchildren. The problem is this.

Our daughter married a man and they had two children. He ended up being abusive and an alcoholic, and they ultimately divorced. Now our daughter has custody of their two children, and because of her financial problems, she ends up leaning on us—a lot.

But, that’s not the only problem. In addition to our lives being turned upside down, by our grandchildren that we love, we must watch our grandchildren have regular visits with their father, watching how hard this is on them. So, we watch the kids more than we dreamed we ever would, watch our daughter struggle with her choice of men, and have to watch our grandchildren be hurt by their controlling father.

We know that the common advice is to love our grandchildren and let go of the rest, but this is far easier said than done when we see how they are caught in the shuffle. Any advice?

                                                      --Exasperated Grandparents

Dear Exasperated. Your troubling situation is one repeated many times over because of the factors I addressed earlier. I have counseled dozens of grandparents who are unexpectedly raising their grandchildren. There are several issues to consider in your challenging situation.

First, acknowledge your challenge. While this is obviously a simple statement, sometimes simply acknowledging that “life isn’t perfect” can be helpful. You are facing unique, unexpected challenges. Face them. Talk about them. Acknowledge that this isn’t what you signed up for, but it is what you’re facing—you and thousands of other grandparents.

Second, get support. More and more groups are forming to offer support for grandparents raising their grandchildren. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels to be with others who are facing your same challenges.

Third, maintain healthy boundaries. Just because your daughter and ex-son-in-law struggle with boundaries doesn’t mean you have to. The fact that their lives are chaotic means your must be especially stable. You must find ways to not get caught up in their difficulties. Even if tempted, or manipulated, hold firm to your boundaries.

Fourth, create stability for yourself and the children. Part and parcel of healthy boundaries means creating stability for you and the children. Live your life and invite your daughter to be part of it, along with your grandchildren. Enjoy and celebrate your grandchildren, remembering the powerful impact you are having on their welfare.

Fifth, hold your family in prayer. Each precious member of your family needs God’s protection and grace. We must always guard against believing we are, or must be, the complete answer to others’ problems. God is in control.

Finally, maintain a life separate from your grandchildren. While your daughter and grandchildren need you desperately, you must maintain a life separate from them. Be sure to keep time for your marriage as well as personal time. It is out of your health and wellness that you can effectively give to others.

I would like to hear from others who are raising, or caring for their grandchildren, or have experienced “boomerang” children. What helps and what hurts? Share your experiences with others.

Getting Hooked on Story-Starters

Every marriage has its ups and downs. That is to be expected. Some marriages, however, seem to have more than normal. Some relationships seem to have more times of crisis than peace and harmony.  Why is there such tension, you wonder?

During the worst of times the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. You walk on eggshells, hoping not to make him/ her angry. You hope and pray for the best, wishing whatever has possessed your mate will disappear and you can have your mate back. All you want is a normal marriage. Is that too much to expect?

One of the primary reasons for conflict is story-starters—provocative statements of blame and criticism that start arguments. During difficult times, your mate blames you and you blame them. You “bite” on their angry attacks. You slip into non-productive conversations, wondering what happened. You feel like you’re going crazy because you can’t figure out exactly what’s going on. Are you really as bad as they make you out to be? Are you really the reason they threaten to leave?

As you survey the past, using a fine-toothed comb, you find times when you could have handled things differently. You’re certainly guilty of some wrong-doing. You’ve taken responsibility and apologized, but your apologies go unaccepted. What else can you do? End the story-starters!

Ending your part in story-starting is a powerful tool, useful whether you are getting along fabulously or fighting like cats and dogs. I owe this concept to a client who is hoping his mate won’t leave, following months of threats to do so. He has become an expert at side-stepping story-starters.

Let’s imagine a possible scene from a man and wife, where she has moved out, but they have occasional contact. She feels angry about a bill he sent to her. It goes like this:

Wife: “I got the bill you sent me. Why did you send it to me? It’s your bill. You know I can’t afford this payment.”

Husband: “I sent it to you because you agreed to pay that bill. Don’t you remember?”

Wife: “I didn’t agree to pay it. Here you go again. This is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy. You’ve done this to me the whole twenty years we’ve been married.”

Feeling defensive and confused as to how to respond, the husband over-reacts.

Husband: “C’mon. The whole twenty years? We never fought about money the whole twenty years we’ve been married.”

Wife: “What about right before we separated? You tried to talk me into paying more than I could afford on the bills. How about five years ago when we had to file for bankruptcy? What about two years ago? It’s a pattern you don’t want to see.” 

Husband: “Look, I don’t really want to fight about all this.”

Wife: “Right. And that’s why you sent me the bill, huh?”

And so it goes. One person launches a “story-starter,” and the other reacts defensively, and the fight is on. One person launches a provocative attack catching the unsuspecting partner unaware, and reacting, the fight is on.

Let’s look at this interaction critically.

The husband in this case feels hurt and resentful about his wife moving out. The wife is tired of fighting as well, but can’t contain the resentment she feels for him, allowing it to leak out at any and every opportunity, keeping him spinning in confusion and frustration. She feels hurt and upset about a bill being sent to her, but instead of sharing her feelings in a reasonable manner, she launches a story-starter. Neither make progress at containing their emotion or conflict. Both react to story-starters. Both get “hooked” by the other’s barbs and provocations, taking them further and further from the peace and harmony they once knew.

Here is another example of a story-starter from a man struggling with the separation from his wife.

Dear Dr. David. I'm a lost soul. My wife of 19 years recently explained to me she has fallen in love with a family friend. We are now in the process of divorce. I never dreamed this would ever happen to me. I trusted in the promise to love for better or worse but now I must accept the reality that my wife doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on as she has moved in with her new man and our children. I'm supposed to just go on for the good of the children.

 I've tried to do this but I miss my wife. When my wife talks to me, I know I react to things she says. She says things angrily and then I respond with the same tone, only adding to our tension. I am so filled with hurt and anger, and she seems so spiteful to me. I can’t stand the way she treats me, and it hurts to see her with this other man. We are both Christians.  Should I just quietly move on, or should I call her out about what is right and wrong? When I tell her what she is doing is wrong, she gets even angrier with me. What should I do?

                                                                        --Hurt and Confused

What you can do, which can be very powerful, is to not get hooked by any story-starters—which are provocative statements tempting you to react in a negative manner. Story-starters are usually critical in nature, and our natural tendency is to counter-react, or offer a defensive response. This kind of reacting will not work! It is like adding gasoline to a fire—only further damage will be done.

You must anticipate story-starters, be prepared for them and be able to respond in a healthy manner. This, of course, is easier said than done. But, you must learn how to do it.  A few guidelines may help:

1.            When she criticizes or attacks you, take a moment before you respond. Never react impulsively. Watch for her attacks, imagining them flying over your head.

2.            Never defend yourself. Empathize with her feelings, but don’t launch into your defense. This won’t help. Don’t go down those rabbit trails.

3.            Never counter-attack, which is simply another form of defense. You are responsible for your behavior, and she is responsible for hers.

4.            Stick with the main issue. Focusing on one issue at a time, stick with the solution, not the problem. Attempt to guide the conversation toward the here and now, and what can be done about the problem.

5.            Set boundaries with her. Don’t allow her to vent her feelings on you. Share with her that you want to stick to issues, and seek solutions. If unable to do so without eruptions, let her know you cannot work on these problems without professional help.

6.            Don’t criticize her unless she invites you to offer your opinion. Yes, this is nearly impossible to do given the circumstances. But let’s face it. Unless she is receptive to hearing your feelings and thoughts, what you say will be perceived as an attack and will only increase the distance between you.

7.            Seek support. Find a helpful friend, pastor or therapist with whom you can vent and explore your feelings. Your wife is no longer the person with whom you can share your feelings.

Story-starters! Nothing can send a normal conversation spiraling out of control faster than provocative, angry statements. You can learn to anticipate, manage and reverse the negative effects of these critical barbs. And yes, one person can change the direction of a conversation.

Let us know how you’ve effectively managed story-starters. 

I Don’t Like My Spouse’s Friends

You have many choices in life: you can choose where you live, where you work, the church you attend, what you eat and what you watch on television. But, you can’t choose your mate’s friends—as much as you might like to do so.

For as much as your mate’s friends impact you, it might be nice to have some say in whom your mate chooses for their friends. But, this is rarely the case. Your mate comes with a family history—and you have no choice about that. They also come with a set of friends—and you have no choice about that either.

What can a person do if they love their mate, but don’t like their mate’s friends? What can you do if you resent the impact your mate’s friends have upon your mate? This was the problem presented to me recently.

Dear Dr. David. I have been dating my boyfriend for the past two years, and we have a fantastic relationship. We enjoy the same activities, share the same values and goals in life, and have a common faith. But, there is one problem we fight about again and again—his friends.

For the life of me, I can’t understand what my boyfriend sees in his friends. They are rougher than he is, tend to be coarse in their language, and don’t have the same goals and values my boyfriend and I have. When I point this out to him, he gets angry. When I show him the negative impact they are having on his life, he gets defensive. This one area of our lives has become the stumbling block to us getting married.

I love my boyfriend very much and like everything about his life, except for his old friends. When I think about our future together, I can’t imagine his friends being a part of it. When he thinks of our future together, he can’t think of it without his friends. There seems to be no point of compromise. Can you help us sort this out?

                                             --Worried About our Future

Dear Worried. Your letter illustrates an old truth—when we share our lives with someone, we become involved with an entire family, not just a person. As I share in my book, Are You Really Ready for Love?, when dating we don’t just get involved with a person in isolation, but become involved with their past, present and of course, their future.

Several issues jump out at me about your note, worthy of consideration.

First, is it possible you’re making too big of a deal about his friends. Look inside yourself for possible problems before looking at him. For example, do you need to ask for more time from him? Are you not getting the attention you’d like? Discern exactly what is missing for you and then ask for change in the relationship, as opposed to asking him to give up his friends.

Second, you say you have the same values and goals, and yet if you don’t care for your boyfriend’s friends, perhaps there are some areas you’re overlooking. If, indeed your boyfriend has questionable friends, is there something about your boyfriend you’re overlooking? Is it possible he has some of the same character traits as his friends, and you’ve ignored them? If so, step back and take a longer look. Make sure there aren’t some traits in your boyfriend you need to attend to.

Third, criticizing your boyfriend’s friends is never acceptable. You can’t expect your boyfriend to hear your concerns if you approach him in a critical way. These people have been his friends for a long time, and criticizing them will only make your boyfriend defensive.

Fourth, try making friends with his friends. It is unclear from your note as to whether you’ve tried to include his friends in your life. If you haven’t, you’re really painting yourself into a corner. Trying to separate him from his friends will leave you the odd one out. Also, remember, they may be as unsure about you as you are about them. Be inclusive, seeking to discover what he appreciates about his friends.

Finally, step back, take a breath, and talk in a rational way about your concerns. Share your honest feelings, being specific about your concerns. If you’re afraid your boyfriend will act out in certain ways, ask for reassurance that he won’t do so. If you’re afraid he’ll treat you in hurtful ways, share your need for reassurance about that. Seek points of agreement and resolution rather than points of difference. Find ways to allow him his point of view while honoring yours in return.

If you’ve experienced a similar problem, we’d like to hear from you. How did you resolve the problem? What works and what doesn’t work? 

The Chaos Must Stop!

Stability. Stability is absolutely mandatory for a child to grow into a healthy adult, and necessary for us as adults to be able to continue to grow and be happy and healthy.

We were not made to thrive in chaos, and yet many seem to think their marriage can survive with chaos in their relationship. It’s not going to happen.

Consider the impact of chaos in marriage:

·      Chaos creates unpredictability.

·      Chaos creates anxiety.

·      Chaos creates distrust.

·      Chaos creates uncertainty.

·      Chaos creates suspicion.

Now, let’s take things a step further. Let’s consider what chaos in marriage doesn’t create:

·      Chaos doesn’t create an environment where we learn to trust our mate.

·      Chaos doesn’t create an environment where we feel safe.

·      Chaos doesn’t create a relationship where we safely share our feelings.

·      Chaos doesn’t create a space for us to reflect on our lives.

·      Chaos doesn’t create a place for us to nurture ourselves and our mate.

Can you see the immense importance of creating safety and stability in your marriage? Without it you’re likely to feel intense anxiety, uncertainty and confusion. Because you feel trapped in a “fight or flight” response, you cannot focus on growing personally and as a couple.

Let’s reflect on this recent email from a man who struggles with instability and guilt that his chaotic lifestyle has on his marriage.

Dear Dr. David. Do you believe that faith can be enough to save a marriage? I am struggling to save my marriage of thirty years, and things have been getting worse all the time.  We have gone to a couple of counseling sessions together, but she does not want to go any more. She says that the ball is in my court. She said to me that if is wasn't for her faith she would be gone.        

I have been a liar for a long time and she doesn't trust me any more. I know that it will take a very long time to get this trust back, if ever. In the past 2 years we have been separated twice, once for 6 weeks where when we talk she forgave me and said we will start new, but then a few months in a couple of lies came out and it started all over again.

The second time was for 6 months and she is not forgetting this time. She doesn't really want to let go of the past right now or doesn't really want it to be anything like the past again. I sort of pushed her into letting me back because I miss my family. I have since got into an AA program but have been sober for 20 years. I have not really been working the program, and have been in a ‘dry drunk.’ Now I’m working the program. I go back to my first question—do you think our faith will keep us trying?

As we read this man’s story, it is clear he is hoping their faith will be enough to keep them together. Is our faith ever enough to keep our marriage strong, or is the issue a deeper one?

There are several issues that jump out at me.

One, our belief in God must go beyond an intellectual one and into one that transforms our lives. The Apostle James says this:

“What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?...So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.” (James 2: 14, 17)

These are strong words—they challenge us to apply scriptural principles into our daily lives. This man must put feet to his faith.

Second, he admits to being a chronic liar and a ‘dry drunk.’ Deception has no place in a relationship and will only serve to create chaos—we know the impact chaos has on a relationship. Being a ‘dry drunk,’ one who is not changing the character patterns accompanying addiction, brings further chaos to a relationship.

As I note in my book Breaking Everyday Addictions, chronic dysfunctional behaviors are difficult to change. They change only by complete faith and intense actions. A little change is not enough, and a little effort—a few counseling sessions—aren’t likely to put a dent in chronic patterns of dysfunctionality.

Finally, we cannot blame his wife for wanting to see change in him before she returns to counseling. Undoubtedly feeling disappointed and discouraged, she has pulled back and is waiting to see what he will do with his life. The ball really is in his court—let’s see what he does with it. Change is possible, but it requires action! Perhaps if he really works his recovery program and participates in ongoing counseling, she will again invest herself in their marriage.

I would love to hear your reaction to this situation and my counsel. Please give us your thoughts. 

Stop Criticizing!

“You never listen to what I say,” Kari said forcefully to her husband, Derrick, during a recent counseling session.

“I can’t do anything right,” Derrick quickly lamented, following her critical comment. “Everything I do is wrong. I’m sick of it. If I’m not the man she wants, why doesn’t she just get rid of me?”

Kari, his wife of fifteen years, rolled her eyes as Derrick complained of her treatment of him. After a moment, she decided to respond.

“First of all, Derrick, everything you do isn’t wrong, and I wish you’d stop saying that. But there are a lot of things I would like different in our marriage. How can I tell you without you slipping into this ‘poor me’ attitude.”

Derrick, of course bristled at her final comment, which only served to reinforce how critical she had been. Before I could comment, Derrick jumped back into the fray.

“Did you hear what you just said? How do you think it feels to be called ‘poor me’ and scolded the way you do? I don’t like it. I’m not sure how you can tell me what you need to say, but you’ve got to find a new way.”

“Hold it, folks,” I said. “Let’s slow things down and look closely at how you talk to each other. I’m sure we can figure out what you’re each doing that sets the sparks going. Are you game?”

A quick review of Kari and Derrick’s interaction reveals some painful mistakes most of us make on a regular basis, leaving us to wonder why our mate reacts defensively. Consider their interaction.

First, he reacts. Without hardly taking a breath, he reacts rather than taking a moment to respond. He says the first thing that comes to his mind, beginning an avalanche of negativity.

What could he have done differently? He could have taken a moment to digest what his wife was saying, considering how he wanted to respond.  

Second, he slips into ‘awfulizing.’ He complains about never being to do anything right, which hooks Kari. Rarely are we accused of never being able to do anything right, and to accuse our mate of those actions will surely get a rise out of them. The fight will be on.

What could Derrick have done differently? He could have spoke from his most vulnerable self, declaring his feelings—“I feel discouraged. I feel deflated, like I’m trying to please you and little I can do seems to help. Can you help me understand what I could do that might make more of a difference?”

Second, she did take the bait, launching into a ready defense. The fight is on as she defends herself. Her defense leads to another barrage of criticism, leading to a counter-reaction on his part. Had I not been there to stop the escalation, it is likely there would have been an all-out battle.

What might she have done differently? She could have taken things slow, listened for his frustration, and then commented on it. While difficult to do, she could have said, “Derrick, I’m sorry you’re feeling discouraged. That certainly isn’t my intent. I want to work together to solve our problems.”

Third, both could have caught themselves and chosen to stop the criticism. Both could have watched their tongues, guarding against saying anything that might escalate their fight. They could have chosen to never say anything that might be a global criticism, seeking to remain focused and solving problems.

Derrick and Kari are like you and me. They want admiration and acceptance, not criticism and shame. They want to feel safe from put downs, moving closer to each other rather than away. Sadly, in many relationships where criticism, sarcasm and labeling are rampant, couples slip easily into loveless marriages. It doesn’t take long to see your mate as unsafe, over-reacting to little comments that have a bite to them.

What is the answer? Consider the counsel of Solomon:        

“He who loves a pure heart and who speech is gracious will have the king for a friend.” (Proverbs 22: 11)

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” (Proverbs 12: 16)

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16: 8)

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (Proverbs 10: 19)

Clearly our way out of difficult encounters is first to be aware of what we are saying and doing. We must slow down the process so we can be aware Criticism, in any form, at any time, is loaded with the possibility of an explosion. It is far better to frame what you need in positive terms rather than blunt criticism. 

When Your Mate is Unfaithful

“I can’t believe what he’s done to me,” Susan said during a recent counseling session, tears streaming down her face. Dressed in jeans and sweatshirt, she spoke angrily about being unable to go to work because of being so upset.

“I could never even consider doing what he’s done. I think it’s despicable.”

Susan appeared tired, older than her thirty years. She admitted she hadn’t been sleeping the past several nights since learning her husband of ten years had an affair.

Susan’s husband Bryan, sat stoically in front of us. While he admitted having the affair, and voiced being sorry for what he had done, he seemed detached and distant.

“I’m sorry for what I did,” Bryan said. “But, there’s more to the story. I know I’m the bad guy, but we need to talk about everything.”

“Okay,” I said. “What else do you want to say?”

“We’ve had problems in our marriage for years. Both of us have been unhappy. I’m not offering any excuses for what I did. It was wrong, and I know I’ve hurt Susan badly. But, I’ve been hurt badly in other ways.”

“This is impossible for me to hear,” Susan said angrily. “How can he possibly justify his actions? There is absolutely no justification for having an affair. None.”

“I’m not giving an excuse,” Bryan said, still showing little emotion. I just want to have an opportunity to talk about my pain as well. There are deeper issues.”

“I wonder if this isn’t the time for that,” I said. “I don’t doubt that you two have complicated lives, with a complicated story. But, I think right now we need to deal with one issue at a time. The first issue to deal with is Susan’s pain and how you both can recover from this. Then we can move on to the deeper issues leading up to this affair.”

“I can do that,” Bryan said cautiously. “But I want to make sure I get my chance to talk. I’ve never felt like I could talk about what bothers me in this marriage—and that has something to do with what I did.”

Bryan and Susan are evidence that marriage issues are rarely simple, one-sided issues. While we might quickly come to Susan’s defense because of Bryan’s egregious actions, we’d be making a mistake of failing to look deeper at other contributing factors. While we certainly want to empathize with Susan’s pain, and hold Bryan accountable for his actions, we dare not get caught up in one person being the victim and the other being the villain. This won’t help us unravel the complexities of their problems.

How might we approach Bryan’s recent affair, the damage it has done to Susan, while also attending to his argument that there are “deeper issues.”

Let’s consider the path out of their current problems and to deeper healing. What is Bryan’s task and what must Susan do to assist with the healing?

First, neither person is villain or victim. Such a point of view will not help them to heal. Both must be open to seeing the larger picture. Both must be open to seeing how they have injured the other, and assist the other with healing.

Second, each must take responsible for how they’ve wounded the other. Bryan, of course, had the affair. He broke the sacred boundaries of his marriage and has caused incredible harm. He must take responsibility for that, setting aside any justifications, rationalizations or defenses. He must attend to Susan and empathize with her pain. Then he must embark on a path of ensuring that this can never happen again.

Susan must listen for how she has hurt Bryan. This cannot happen immediately as she is caught up in her own pain. But, at some point, Bryan must have his day of talking about his wounds. Has he been rejected in the past? If so, Susan must own her part in wounding him. Then, she must set on a course of empathizing with his pain, taking full responsibility for her actions.

Third, both must see the other as wounded and needing healing. Both are in an excellent position to assist the other in healing. This requires setting their own issues aside and fully attending to the other. This isn’t easy when caught up in their own pain—but it is necessary.

Fourth, both must look for the deeper issues in their marriage. This catastrophe is an opportunity to explore other problems they have that has given rise to this problem. Again, there is no justification for an affair—however, there are reasons that must be understood if they want to ensure it never happens again.

Has communication broken down? Are there resentments that have gone unexpressed? Are they too busy to meet each other’s needs? Are the boundaries—hedges of protection—weak or ineffective? These are just a few possibilities of what might be happening below the surface.

Finally, both must agree on boundaries to ensure the sanctity of their marriage for the future. Boundaries create safety, and Bryan and Susan must reinforce their weakened boundaries, creating renewed safety. They must make agreements to fiercely guard the integrity of their marriage.

Infidelity is sadly a common issue in our society. This horrific violation of marriage vows cuts deeply, and recovery takes a long time. Trust can, however, be restored. 

Please write and let our readers know how you’ve overcome unfaithfulness. What steps helped you heal?

When Over-Responsible Meets Under-Responsible

Jackie walked into the house after a long day working as a teller at the local bank. In addition to her responsibilities at the bank, she has three young children and a home to tend to.

Jackie always wanted to be a mother, and has delighted in her young family. She has never regretted having three children—until recently, when it seems like she is raising four children instead of three.

“Why do I have to be the one to notice what needs doing around the house?” Jackie said in a recent counseling session, motioning to her husband, Michael. “I work full time, and you work full time, but it seems like I have to do ninety percent of the household chores.”

A pleasant man with the short stubble of a goatee, Michael winced at hearing Jackie’s words. He took a moment before responding.

“You’re always nagging and I hate it,” he answered sharply. “Just because I don’t do things on your time schedule, doesn’t mean I don’t get the job done. Maybe my standards aren’t as high as yours.”

“Exactly!” Jackie said, raising her arms in disgust. “I’m exhausted. It sure doesn’t feel like we’re in this thing together. You wanted three kids just like me. You wanted a home just like me. But, when I get home you’re either playing on your X Box or watching television, with dishes in the sink and jelly on the countertops. I can’t live like this.”

Michael sat quietly, staring at his wife.

“This is what happens at home,” Jackie said sadly. “I know I rant and rave, and he doesn’t talk to me. I can’t keep my anger in any more. I want a husband, a partner, not another child to raise.”

Jackie’s words were brutal, undoubtedly hurting Michael, creating even more distance. Like many other couples, they are caught in a vicious cycle: she attacks, he withdraws. She shifts into a parental role, gets angry by ranting and raving, he settles into a child role, getting mad by withdrawing into silence or muttering obscenities. Both are very frustrated, and if the pattern doesn’t change, their marriage will be in even more trouble than it’s already in.

Let’s consider the path out of this destructive cycle.

One, understand that neither partner is happy with this arrangement. While it is tempting to see one as the victim and the other as the villain, neither party is happy. Both must see the destructiveness of their pattern—hers with ranting, raving and being over-responsible, his with muttering and withdrawing into passive-aggressive silence.

Two, both must renegotiate their roles. Clearly she cannot continue being over-responsible, and he cannot continue shirking his duties by being under-responsible. They must calm down, listen to one another, and renegotiate their roles. They must become creative, finding ways to agree on how they choose to run the family together.

Third, after agreeing to their assigned roles, both must agree to give up their unhealthy styles—hers of ranting and raving while continuing to do the lions share of chores, and his of angrily withdrawing and avoiding being responsible. 

Fourth, agree that both must stick to their agreements. An agreement is a sacred trust and failure to keep an agreement should be dealt with seriously. Agreements are boundaries that create predictability and structure for a family and its members.

Finally, failure to live by the agreement, and boundaries, must have consequences. Boundaries and consequences are part of everyday life, and must be part of marriage. For example, if she rants and raves, she must wash and wax his car. If he fails to do his agreed upon responsibilities, or withdraws in silence, he must take her out for a fancy dinner.

An unbalanced marriage can create havoc in a marriage. An unbalanced marriage is irresponsible, and in fact is against God’s economy—“each person should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6: 5) Balance of responsibility must be restored, as well as talking in an “adult to adult” manner. No one wants to “parent” their mate, and no one wants to be “parented.” Agree today to give up these immature styles of relating and let us know how it works for you.