Writing New Marriage History

"I feel discouraged about the future," Lynn told me, with obvious irritation. "How can I trust he will ever to change? The past has been horrible, and nothing I do seems to work."Linda sat across from me in my counseling office, feeling dejected and profoundly discouraged.

"I feel so guilty for how I feel," she continued. "I know I should be more hopeful. He's a good man, and people like him. He says he's willing to get counseling. But, we've tried that before. He doesn't change and I'm sick of it."

Lynn paused and then continued.

"Maybe I just expect too much. After all, he's a leader in the church and does lots of nice things for others."

Waiting to hear the real problem, I asked Lynn point-blank about the issue that brought her into counseling.

"He is distant emotionally and intimately," she said sadly. "It's like I've got the plague or something. I ask him what I'm doing wrong, and why he doesn't seem to want to be around me. He always tells me the same thing."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong!"

"But he still avoids you?" I asked. "Even though he says nothing is wrong, he avoids you emotionally and physically?"

"Yes," Lynn said. "And I can't tell anyone. I'm ashamed. We appear to have the perfect marriage. A couple of great kids. Active in the church. He's a nice guy and we look like the perfect couple. But, no one knows I'm dying inside."

"Let me see if I get this, Lynn," I said. "You guys put on a good show, but inside you're in a lot of pain. We're not sure what kind of pain he's in, but he avoids you, physically and emotionally. He's active in church, and probably his work, but not available to you?"

"You've got it." She began to cry.

"Am I expecting too much?" she asked through her tears. "We get a little help, and things change for a short time. Then things slip back to the way they've always been and it seems like I either have to accept that this is my life, or leave him. Neither option sounds very good to me."

Lynn's words echoed in my ears, with the thousands other times I've heard them.

I either have to accept things the way they are, or leave.

Take a moment and inspect those words very carefully. Consider the significant problem with viewing things so narrowly.

•                We're locked into two narrow options.

•                Our world becomes small, rigid, constricted.

•                As our viewpoint narrows, we loose creativity and possibility.

But how do we expand the possibilities when all we can see are the two, narrow options. Consider this positive story from a woman who has been in counseling for the past six months.

Dear Dr. David. Thank you for helping me see that I have more options than to simply accept things the way they are, praying and praying for change, or to leave. You helped me see that I could change me, and change the way I interact with my husband. While I didn't like it at the time, your counsel to "create a crisis" was good advice. Things were shaky at first, but you were right when you said deep down my husband didn't really want to lose our marriage. I finally got it that it was going to have to be me to drive the change in our marriage, but once I pushed hard for change, my husband understood that we were in trouble and agreed to participate in your Marriage Intensive. It took a crisis, however, for any change to occur. I still have to be firm about ongoing counseling as well. But, we're certainly on the right track. Thanks for nudging me out of my narrow, discouraged point of view.

                                                               --Hopeful in Seattle

This woman from Seattle understood the "paralysis of analysis"-where you turn a problem over in your mind so many times that everything becomes muddled. She knew the discouragement of praying and praying for change, but being frozen within her own inaction. Feeling betrayed by God, as well as her husband, she settled sadly into a life of disappointment-until she decided to take drastic action.

Let me share a few a strategies "Seattle" used. Consider trying them if you find yourself contemplating one extreme or the other:

1.             Don't get stuck in extreme thinking. You have more options than simply to accept things the way they are leave. There are hundreds of ways you enable things to stay the same, and understanding them-as well as changing them-will open up new possibilities;

2.             Get support. Being alone in your mind is a dangerous undertaking. Take a friend in with you. Better yet, take a friend and a respected psychologist and perhaps even your pastor. There is wisdom in the counsel of many (Proverbs 11: 14);

3.             Your history doesn't have to predict the future. You can rewrite your history by creating new history. As you form new patterns, and slowly change the way you interact with your mate, suddenly you have new history that can be very exciting;

4.             Prepare to create a crisis. Change rarely happens before a crisis of some sort. I like to say, " It takes a breakdown before there can be a breakthrough." Are you ready to really change things? Are you ready to start with changing yourself?

5.             A little change is not enough. Don't settle for a few counseling sessions. Sign up for the full deal. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist how long they think it will take. Ask what exactly needs to be changed. At The Marriage Recovery Center we offer a full analysis of relationships along with diagnosis and recommendations. Obtain a clear understanding of what it will take to get you to where you want to go.

6.             Stick with the change process. Don't give up. Don't give in. Stick with it. Be focused and firm, with clear objectives and an understanding of the path to get there.

7.             Use consequences effectively. Yes, consequences are an effective aspect of every relationship. We teach people how to treat us, and generally they get the message if they know we mean business.

8.             Catch each other doing things right. Notice progress. Pay attention to small and large efforts and appreciate them. Enjoy the progress made by your mate to improve your relationship.

You don't have to be stuck in the past. You don't have to settle for a mediocre marriage. You can be wise and use that wisdom to stop settling, create a crisis, and then institute change. Come out of hiding, get professional help, and then establish a plan to make your future become your new history filled with possibilities.

I'd love to hear from you with comments about this article. Are you struggling with marriage problems in your relationship? Please feel free to contact me for advice on Marriage Intensives or consultations on what may be needed to make significant progress in your marriage. Please share your concerns with me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, YourRelationshipDoctor.com.

Holiday Discount from the Marriage Recovery Center

To celebrate the holiday season, the Marriage Recovery Center is offering a 10% discount for Marriage or Personal Intensives booked by January 10 (actual intensive can be scheduled for after that as long as you book it before January 10).

Resolve to improve yourself and your marriage in the new year and experience the the Marriage Recovery Center advantage: results. If you have tried traditional marriage counseling sessions in the past but did not experience results, the Marriage Recovery Center can help. Call (360) 490-5446 for more information or a free, no-obligation phone consultation.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

Maintaining Emotional Sobriety

We're all familiar with alcohol sobriety, drug sobriety, sexual sobriety and even sobriety as it pertains to our eating habits. Sobriety-being sober in our approach to certain aspects of living-is not only wise, but Biblical as well.


"Be sober minded. Be watchful." (I Peter 5: 8)

In a recent conversation with a couple, I found a new application for the concept of sobriety---emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety, as I define it, applies to maintaining emotional balance. It means attending to our emotional life when we are angry, discouraged and frustrated. During these times we are likely to react and react again, creating unbalance in our relationships.

"We debated for so long, over so many days, that I could hardly see straight," Susan shared. She was referring to the conflict she had been having with her husband, Terry.

"Did you do anything to manage your emotions during those days?" I asked.

Susan looked at me incredulously.

"How do you do that? We dive into certain topics and before we know it we're in quicksand," she continued. 

"Every word he says makes me react and everything I say seems to make him react. We're two over-reactive people sinking deeper and deeper into conflict."

Terry had been sitting quietly.

"I guess this is just like alcoholism, you have to be just as responsible with your emotions," he offered.

As I talked to Terry and Susan about their relationship, I considered that emotional sobriety wasn't simply a problem for marriages, or those in dating relationships, but anyone relating to another person or even an event. I reflected about a friend of mine who struggled with emotional sobriety.

"I get so twisted with the way things go at work," Justin shared with me. "I shouldn't let policies and procedures get me out of whack, but they do."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I get so angry when policies aren't followed," he said. "I expect everone to follow the rules, and when they don't, I get mad. So, you can imagine working for the company I do, I get mad a lot. Drives me crazy."

"You can't let it go?" I asked.

"Wish it was that simple," he said. "My emotions seem to rule me rather than me ruling them. I'm practicing trying to keep things in perspective, but that's easier said than done."

Emotional reactivity. Rollercoaster emotions. Getting bent out of shape by things we have little control over. These are all symptoms of emotional imbalance and the need for emotional sobriety. What are some things we can remember in using our emotions the way God intended them to be used.

First, learn about your emotions. Emotions are e-motions, "energy in motion," and as such can be used for constructive purposes or be boundless energy that is quite destructive. First you must be aware of your emotional makeup. Do you become easily irritated? Are you prone to discouragement? Do you have patterns of emotional reacting that are harmful to you and your relationships? You must become familiar with these patterns before you can change them.

Second, monitor your emotions. Because most of us tend to be reactive, we seldom watch our emotional reactions. We're caught up in whatever is taking place externally, failing to monitor/ keep watch over our emotions. Journaling is one of the best methods I know to keep track not only of our daily moods and emotions, but patterns and trends in our emotional makeup.

Third, embrace emotional sobriety. Take responsibility in not allowing your emotions to rule your reactions. I've noted that it takes far less time to feel than it does to think, but it is critical we consider every situation, using our God-given wisdom to rule our behavior. If you've had problems with anger or emotional volatility, vigorously pursue emotional balance.

Fourth, make amends quickly for emotionally reactivity. Making quick apologies for any emotional reactivity will assist you not only in taking responsibility for it, but recognizing the impact emotional reactivity has on those around you. Your apology will also make necessary repairs for damage you've caused.

Finally, slow things down, at work, in your relationships, and in every aspect of your life. Give yourself every opportunity to keep things in perspective by taking time to think about what you want to say and how you want to act. Don't allow yourself to become emotionally reactive.

Scripture repeatedly warns us about behavior that is ungodly. We are warned about excessive anger, encouraged to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1: 19) Leaders in the church were encouraged to be sober-minded. I'm sure this included the way they dealt with their emotions as well as their behavior. Being sober-minded in how we deal with our emotions will help us in our relationships as well.

We'd love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com.You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Meeting His/Her Point of Need

The email call header read like many others I routinely receive.

"Help! Marriage Trouble!"

I opened the message and read exactly what I had anticipated. Donald, a man apparently in his late thirties and married fifteen years, had been told earlier that day that his wife wanted a separation. He asked if I would call immediately.

As I read on, it was clear that Donald was panicking. He asked if I would be able to talk to him that afternoon and if he and his wife, Teresa, could fly out to Seattle to work with me. He made it clear that his wife had not agreed to coming to Seattle, but if I were willing, he was going to try to persuade her to come to The Marriage Recovery Center that weekend.

I arranged to talk to Donald later that afternoon.

"Dr. Hawkins," he began anxiously. "I need your help and I need it now! My wife is asking for a separation and we've got to do something. If I can talk her into it, would you be willing to see us right away?"

"Okay, Donald," I said. "Let's slow down and talk about what is going on. I don't want you to talk her into anything. What I can do is help you sort out what is happening, some reasons why it is happening, and the next best step."

"That would be great," he said, sounding a bit relieved.

He immediately launched into a tirade about his wife and the struggles he had been having with her. He blamed her for not being committed to their marriage, for threatening to break their vows, and for being difficult to live with. I listened carefully for a few minutes and then interrupted him.

"Donald," I said. "You've shared a lot about how you feel like you're getting a raw deal. You are clearly angry with your wife for threatening to separate from you. You've even shared about how you feel wronged by your wife. But, you haven't shared what your part in the problems are, or what she needs from you."

He paused, seemingly taken aback by my observation.

"Well," he said slowly. "I know it's not all her, and I'm open to hearing my part in the problems. But, she............."

"Donald," I said, interrupting him. "You're starting to talk about her again. I want to hear what your part of the problems are and why she is feeling so desperate she's thinking about leaving you."

He again paused, taking a few moments to think.

"Let me ask things a bit differently," I said. "Teresa is thinking about leaving you. I'm not suggesting you are entirely to blame. In fact, I don't think about these issues in terms of who is to blame. But, I want to know about her point of need. What does she need that she is not getting?"

"I don't know if I know that," he said.

"You have to know that," I said. "If you don't know it, you can't fix anything. And if you don't fix anything, you can't save your marriage. So, you've got some work to do."

"I guess I do," he said sheepishly. "I just know that she says she is unhappy, and I took that to mean she was having some kind of crisis."

"There is no question she is having a crisis," I said. "And it undoubtedly is not all about you. But, I'd be willing to bet a lot of it is about you and if we can figure out what she needs, you have a chance to save your marriage."

"Makes sense," he said. "Where do we start?"

"I have several things I want you to think about," I said. "I'm going to send you to school and then we'll set out to make some changes. After that we'll see if she's willing to talk to me to give us even more information. We'll have plenty to work on."

With that I asked Donald to consider a number of things, which I ask of anyone who seeks assistance from me when their marriage is in crisis. Consider these steps of action.

First, write out a history of your marriage. Problems don't arise out of nowhere, and with some reflection and wisdom you can determine the nature of your problems. When did they begin? What is your part in the problems? What attempts have you made to remedy the problems, such as professional counseling or talking to your pastor?

Second, what are her (or his) complaints? Much can be learned from simply listening to our mate. Most often I discover that the complaints leading to a crisis have existed for some time. Many attempt to deny the severity of the problem until it reaches a crisis. As you look back, list the complaints and seek to understand them.

Third, what is the validity of the complaints? Again, more often than not there is at least some truth to the complaints. While we are often reluctant to 'own' the complaints, being candid about the complaints is the first step toward solving them.

Fourth, consider your mate's point of need. What does she (or he) need right now? Using her complaints as a starting point, consider what your mate needs right now. This can be a bit tricky, because what they need may be something we don't want to give, such as space. Reeling from an emotional crisis themselves, they may want you to allow them some space to consider how they feel about you and the marriage. They may want you to show acts of kindness you have not done for some time. They may want you to receive professional assistance for a problem, such as anger or an addiction you have previously ignored.

Fifth, make a plan of action. Give her (or him) exactly what they need. Give them the space they need to reflect and consider what they need. Get professional help to learn more about your blind spots and character issues. Show your mate that you are serious in addressing your part of the marriage problems.

Sixth, get support, focus on changing yourself and pray about your situation. While facing this immense crisis, you must maintain perspective. That perspective includes the fact that you can only work on yourself, can only change yourself and require support to navigate the troubled waters that lay ahead. You need faith in God more than ever, and your actions need to be bathed in prayer.

Finally, be patient as you employ 'corrective emotional experiences.' Understand that even small changes can have powerfully positive repercussions. You don't need to change your entire personality, but you do need to recognize that every interaction has the power to change your mate's opinion about you. Be patient, don't push and allow things to unfold. Change, over time, will be recognized.

Meeting your mate's point of need can be a powerful antidote to a challenging problem. Stay focused and let us know how you're doing. We'd love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com.You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.                    

I Care About You Too Much To Argue

Arriving home late the other night, I wasn’t aware of being irritable. Certainly I was tired from a long day of counseling, and I received several concerning phone calls just as I was preparing to leave the office.

         

As I walked in the door of my home I noticed that my wife, Christie was busy on the computer.

“Hello,” she said, obviously engrossed in something important.

“Hello” I said, feeling a bit put off by her busyness.

Unaware of my irritation, I shuffled by her and went upstairs and began changing my clothes. She came upstairs after me.

“You okay?” she asked. “You seem a bit distant.”

“I’m fine,” I said, still uncertain as to what I was feeling. “But, you could have greeted me nicer when I walked in.”

“You’re right,” she said. “Welcome home.”

“Well, it doesn’t mean as much now,” I said sharply. “Why didn’t you get up and greet me when I came in.”

“David,” she said, pausing. “I love you too much to argue with you.”

“I’m not arguing,” I countered. “I just want to know why you didn’t get up when I came in. You hardly looked up.”

“David,” she said again calmly. “I love you too much to argue with you. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”

Her words now began to sink in. In fact, we had rehearsed them a week earlier. How quickly I forgot them.

Having just finished our most recent book, Love and Logic Magic for a Lasting Relationship, using Love and Logic principles, we literally wrote the book on this technique—refusing to engage in arguing. We had not only written about it, but had challenged others to refuse to argue as well. Here I was, weeks after the completion of the book, slipping into old, destructive, argumentative behavior. Ouch!

I stepped back and smiled.

“Good job,” I said, the potentially volatile scene diffused by my insight.

“Thank you,” she said. “Have you had a tough day?”

“Yes,” I said. “And I need a hug.”

Christie quickly obliged as I told her of my tiredness. Not only had we averted an argument, but I felt soothed and comforted by her presence. I was in a win-win situation—not only did I not add insult to my already ruffled feelings, but had the close relationship to my wife that I enjoy.

Let’s take a closer look at this strategy that you, too can use in your relationship.

First, refuse to argue. Oh yes, I know this is much easier said than done. But, if you anticipate situations that arise, ruffling your feelings, you can also anticipate how to handle them more effectively. Consider all of your relationships—with mate, friends, colleagues—and determine not to engage in arguments.

Second, be alert. Catch yourself walking into the courtroom of life-- where you want to engage in an argument, where you want to poke at someone, where you want to prove a point—into the sanctuary, where you want to connect and be at peace with your mate, your friends and others in your life.

Third, have a ready response, such as ‘I care about you too much to argue with you.’ This simple phrase is disarming. If you refuse to get hooked by someone’s challenging behavior, you will be much safer. “It takes two to tango,” so if someone tries engaging you in a battle, but you refuse to show up, a fight cannot occur. Plus your words can be felt as soothing and comforting, further deescalating a volatile situation.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12: 18) This powerful Scripture makes our response clear—be at peace with everyone. While I can only be accountable for my response, my response is powerful. Christie refused to fight with me, and subsequently no fight occurred. She lived out the Scripture beautifully, while it took me a little longer to live peacefully.

Finally, make it your goal to refuse to argue. Stay out of the courtroom in your relationships. Simply refuse to argue and more important, practice the art of neutralizing arguments by telling your friend, mate or colleague that you care too much about your relationship with them to engage in fruitless arguing.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.                           

When You’re Asked to Leave!

Sam, a thirty-five year old man, tearfully shared how he had watched his kids waving goodbye to him from the living room window as he left the family home and moved into the apartment he rented. He was entering a land completely unfamiliar to him.

“I really didn’t see it coming,” Sam shared in his sharp, educated voice. “Don’t know if I should have seen it, but I didn’t."

“What happened?” I asked. “Tell me your story.”

“She told me a couple weeks ago she was thinking about a separation. She said she ‘d been trying to tell me how unhappy she was for years.”

“And you don’t remember those comments?” I asked.

“Oh sure,” he said angrily, “but it’s one thing to tell me she needs change. It’s something else to tell me to leave my home, my kids, my family.”

Sam’s bitterness began to show. As Sam told of events leading to his marital separation, he was flooded with emotion—anger, hurt, sadness, even feelings of betrayal.

“It just seems like there are so many other ways Shar could have dealt with this. Asking me—no telling me—to leave is harsh. Why shouldn’t she leave? Why do I have to leave my home?”

“You didn’t have to leave, Sam,” I said. “But, to stay in a relationship where you are not wanted only creates more distrust and resentment. If you want a shot at saving this marriage, making things hard on her isn’t going to help your cause."

“It still hurts,” Sam said. 

“Yes,” I said. “I don’t think there is any nice way to ask for a separation. But, I hear you. There’s no nice way to receive the news of an impending separation either.”

“There sure isn’t,” he said. “Now I have to figure out if there is anything I can do to save the marriage, or if I just move on with my life. That’s what my friends tell me. If she wants a life alone, let her feel the impact of her choices.”

“I suggest we move very slowly,” I said. “Let’s consider life from her perspective and then you can decide what you want to do. How does that sound?”

“Nothing sounds good to me now,” he said. “All it sounds like is a bunch of bad options. And I know I need to try to figure this out.”

With that we spent the next several months considering his choices, while also helping him process the magnitude of the quake that had hit his life.

First, consider what has happened and the context in which it has happened. Women, (or men), don’t simply wake up one morning and leave their marriage or ask their mate to leave. The tumult has usually been occurring for months, leading up to the request for a mate to leave. Take some time to put the event into context. Step back and try to create a story that makes sense. This will probably require professional assistance.

Second, look critically for needs that have not been met. A request for a separation is usually a drastic action to find relief from ongoing pain. We either meet needs directly, and efficiently, or indirectly, and often painfully. Sam’s wife, as it turns out, had been trying to get his attention for years but he had not heard the warning cries. She had felt abandoned, neglected and ignored. Her request for him to leave was a request for space so she could consider her next move. She needed to know if Sam would really look at his behaviors that played a role in her unhappiness.

Third, take responsibility for your part in this action. While tempting to play the victim, this won’t be helpful. Though tempting to slip into bitterness and anger, these emotions, while understandable, won’t help you work cooperatively with your mate in the days ahead. Blame simply doesn’t work. What is needed is cultivating the ability to be pragmatic, accepting your part in this separation and working on those issues that have come to light.

Fourth, pay attention to her feelings/ needs. While you are flooded with your needs, remember that she has feelings about this separation as well. Mates who request the separation often have feelings of anger, discouragement, distrust and sadness. They, too face a life of uncertainty and the possibility of the end of a marriage. They wonder why their mate hasn’t listened and responded to their requests for change. They feel anger if now, after a separation, their mate finally agrees to counseling and change. They distrust promises to change.

Fifth, take things slowly. Don’t panic. Don’t rush off to an attorney’s office. Don’t rush in, making promises to change. Don’t send gifts, cards, lengthy letters or make other efforts that only serve to overwhelm your mate. Don’t feel that you have to change everything in a few, short weeks. Time can be your best ally. Surround yourself with trustworthy friends who will offer needed encouragement.

Finally, be sensitive and considerate. Consider what is now needed. Pray for wisdom to know how to act. Listen. Your faith will be invaluable as you develop trust in God as a source of wisdom and strength, seeking His comfort in these troubling times. Choose healthy, wise counsel, while rejecting hurtful, insensitive counsel. Develop faith that knows this is a marathon, not a sprint. Consider there are often opportunities to save marriages with healthy responses. Certainly this is an opportunity to enrich your faith and make painful, but healthy change.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

We’re In This Together, and We Can Figure It Out!

The couple entered my office stiffly; their icy stares belying what would erupt moments later.

“How are you two?” I asked Jeffrey and Maggie, a young couple who sat frozen in their chairs. She looked out my window, while he watched her. They had shared briefly in a phone conversation that this would be their last attempt to save their short marriage.

“Great,” Maggie said sarcastically. “Just great. I can’t trust him and I don’t think he really wants to save this marriage.”

“This is not going to be about ‘fixing Jeffrey,’” he said sternly. “I’m just not going to do it. It’s not only ‘fix Jeffrey.’”

“Never said it was,” she replied hotly.

“But you focus on my anger, and won’t talk about yours,” he protested.

“That’s because you have an anger problem and won’t admit it,” she retorted.

“Folks,” I interrupted. “Is this how it goes with you, pointing fingers at the other, defending yourself, and round and round it goes?”

“This is a mild version of it,” Jeffrey said, letting out a huge sigh. Maggie rolled her eyes in disgust.

I began with a lecture I give every couple that comes to see me either in my private office or at The Marriage Recovery Center. It’s a speech everyone, including myself, needs to hear. It’s a message of hope, but most important, it’s a message of cooperation.

“Jeffrey and Maggie. You’ve come to see me because your marriage is in trouble. However, you seem to be pointing the finger of blame at the other. While that is completely natural, and in some ways to be expected, solving problems only comes from working together.

Both nodded their heads, appearing relieved that there was hope of being able to end their battle, seeking solutions cooperatively. As we worked together over the following weeks, we emphasized the following points that have helped countless couples collaborate in seeking reconciliation.

First, problems are created together, and thus solutions must be found together. While we may initially want to believe that one person is the culprit, “the bad guy/ girl,” this is rarely the case. Both have behaviors that must change to bring healing to their relationship.

Second, by working together, co-laboring, we can work things out. I’ve said to hundreds of couples “the process is the problem, and therefore the process is the solution.” It doesn’t matter what we are arguing about, the fact that we are arguing, pointing fingers, shifting responsibility and playing the victim, renders us helpless to solve problems. Working together creates a synergy where problems are solved much more easily.

Third, collaboration releases creative emotional and spiritual empowerment to solve problems. Solving problems is nearly impossible when stuck in our small, narrow self-centered perspective. However, when we lock arms, submitting to God and seeking God’s wisdom, we cooperate and more easily find new ways of agreeing on problems and solutions.

Fourth, collaboration invites and embraces wisdom from each other. When released from our narrow, self-centered, wounded perspective, we truly listen to our mate. We empathize with their pain and connect to them in new ways. We want the best for them and are more willing to look at “our stuff.” Freed from condemnation, we stop hiding and dodging responsibility.

Finally, as we work together to figure things out, we discover a new level of connection. We fall in love with our mate all over again. With humility, we don’t think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think (Romans 12: 3) and rediscover the beauty and value of our mate.

If you are locked in a power struggle with your mate, step back, take a breath, and consider solving the problem together. Let go of your anger and realize that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” (Matthew 12: 25) Relax, remembering the good traits of your mate, and work together in solving your marital problems.

I would like to hear from you. What do you think about the concept of collaboration? Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Active Listening: Slicing It Thinner

The middle-aged couple sat in front of me, preparing to participate in a three day Marriage Intensive. They had participated in weekly counseling situations several times over the years, but always left feeling they had received a Band-Aid for their problems, and no real cure.

Cary was a gruff, weathered fifty year old man who made it clear he didn’t really want to be here, and his wife, Maggie, didn’t seem a lot more excited. Both feigned enthusiasm, but it was quite obvious their emotional struggle had taken its toll on them.

“We feel pretty drained,” Maggie admitted. “We’ve been battling each other for years, and this is a last-ditch effort to save things. We’re both prepared to just be done if this doesn’t work.”

Cary nodded his head, his face showing no emotion.

“How about you?” I asked him. “Where are you at?”

“I’ve prepared myself for anything,” he said. “We’ve got thirty years invested in each other, so I don’t want it to end. But, this is draining.”

“What is draining?” I asked curiously.

“She seems angry all the time,” Cary said. “I can’t do anything to please her. I think she wants somebody else and I’d rather give her the freedom she wants than fight with her.”

“Hold it,” Maggie blurted. “It’s you who I want. But, I want you to really care about me. I want you to get me. I want you, and a marriage, where we care about and hear each other.”

“I have a question for both of you,” I said. “I’d like you to think about this. Maggie, do you believe that Cary really listens to, and understands you? Cary, do you believe that Maggie really listens to you and understands you?”

Both started shaking their head before I could call upon them.

“You both had a quick reaction to my question. I sense some voltage in you, like this might be a ‘hot spot’. Let’s talk about your answers.

We spent the next two hours not only talking about their disappointment with each other, but practicing a new way of listening to each other that I call ‘slicing it thinner.’ Both felt considerably better after our exercise and agreed to try it during the break before our next session. Here are the steps.

First, put your defensiveness aside. Okay, this is much easier said than done, but if you do not turn down the volume on the ‘yes, but....” you can never really hear what your mate is saying. You must acknowledge your defensiveness—the part of you that feels threatened, vulnerable, upset about what your mate is saying---tell yourself this ‘interference’ will stop you from being fully present to your mate.

Second, acknowledge the heart of what they are saying. Having turned down the volume on your defensiveness, repeat to them what you heard them say. “So, you’re saying….” Repeat this until you’ve accurately reflected the heart of what they are saying. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to understand it.

Third, slice it thinner. This means you ask questions so you understand the fullness of what they are saying. “Are you saying…” “Do you mean…” Cary learned to listen to Maggie, reflecting to her that he understood her feelings of exhaustion and frustration at his defensiveness. Maggie learned that Cary felt disrespected when she became angry and made accusations against him. Both learned to slow things down so they could more easily hear their mate.

Fourth, keep the emotion manageable. Nothing prevents true listening like heated emotion. Anger tends to narrow our focus, exaggerate our responses and pit us against our mate. Discouragement can lead us to hear only the worst part of what our mate is saying to us. Every couple longing to be listened to must keep their emotion manageable. They must learn to call ‘Time Outs’ if necessary to make certain they are in an emotional space to hear their mate.

Fifth, slowly digest the truth of what they are saying.  Keeping your defensiveness volume turned down, or set aside, you consider what your mate is saying. While you may want to argue with your mate, don’t. Consider what they are saying and the truth of it. If you cannot digest and agree with all of what your mate is saying, see if you can agree with a ‘kernel of truth’ in what they are saying. Reflect to your mate that you hear the value of what they are saying to you.

Scripture tells us that we should be “quick to listen and slow to speak.” (James 1: 19) This certainly goes against our innate tendency to be quick to speak and slow to listen. Healthy couples perfect the art of listening, and this not only diffuses conflict but creates a powerful, loving connection. Try ‘slicing it thinner’ and notice the impact on both you and your mate.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.