Marriage Rehab with Dr. David

Avoiding Emotional Reactivity

2012-02-21T17:58:00.001-08:00

My wife, Christie recently confronted me about her need to spend more time with me. She was feeling neglected and wanted more "us time." While her approach was well-timed, and her delivery sensitive and caring, I had to fight against an overly emotional response that would have pushed her away.

As she shared her need an old button of mine got pushed.

"You're not enough, David," the old voice said. "Here you are trying as hard as you can and yet you cannot meet her needs."

All the while I was trying to hear her, listen to her needs and stay fully present, an emotional battle waged within.

"I hear you," I said, quieting my inner critical voice. "I know I've been very busy and haven't spent quality time with you. I'm sorry for that."

My words seemed to have landed well with her. She calmed and told me that she appreciated my response. She couldn't know how difficult it was for me to stay present when the old voice was activated. Yet, staying present helped us through a potentially difficult moment.

How was I able to remain fully present when I felt criticized by my wife? Perhaps this is a struggle for you as well. You know the feeling of trying to listen to your mate while also attending to the clamoring voice or voices inside. It can truly be very difficult, but doing so avoids the calamity of emotional reactivity-where we respond defensively, adding fuel to the emotional fire.

Consider these steps in remaining connected to your mate while also attending to your inner reaction to criticism.

First, be aware of your inner reaction to the message. Simply acknowledge that you feel defensive, sometimes even sharing that with your mate. Let your mate know you are feeling a bit defensive, but that you really want to hear what they are saying. Encourage them to continue sharing.

Second, allow yourself to be fully present to your mate's message. Don't force yourself to "buy" everything your mate is saying. Let it be enough to fully listen, take in and reflect upon what they are saying. Acknowledge some portion of the truth, no matter how small, in what they are saying. For me that meant looking at Christie and saying, "I can see that I've been very busy and that we haven't had much quality time. I'm willing to make more time for us." This was enough for her.

Third, attend to your inner critical, vulnerable voice. This is likely a voice from your past telling you that you're not good enough. Reassure your Self that you will attend to that voice later. When the time is right, revisit the situation and give full attention to the voice. Weigh out the merits, or lack thereof, of the voice.

Fourth, tell yourself the truth. Perhaps you haven't been available enough to your mate and need to acknowledge this. There is probably a 'kernel of truth' or more in what they are saying, and you need to digest this and then acknowledge it. Having limitations is not the same as "never measuring up." It is likely that there is more truth in your mate's message than in the old voice.

Scripture tells us, "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the head, that is Christ." (Ephesians 4: 15) Sifting through old and new messages involves "growing up" and making sense of our inner feelings instead of reacting to others.

Finally, digest and integrate messages from here and now long with those from your past. Having participated in your own mini-group therapy (voices from the past and those from the present) make new goals to be a better version of yourself. Acknowledge limitations, recognize areas of weakness that need to be strengthened while encouraging acceptance of who you are now.

I'd like to hear from you. Do you find it challenging to "speak the truth in love" to yourself? Developing a healthy self-concept comes from reconciling old voices with new messages, coming to a clear sense of who you are now and how God has created you to be. Please read more about these issues in my book, "When Pleasing Others is Hurting You" and explore more about my Marriage Intensives and Wildfire Marriage Interventions at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Saving Your Marriage

2012-01-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

Saving Room for Feelings!

2012-01-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

It was a typical encounter in counseling, the kind I’ve seen and experienced personally thousands of times.

“I don’t like the way he talks to me,” Kristine said, nodding toward her husband.

“And I don’t like the way you talk to me,” Ted countered.

“I’m not usually the one to start things,” Kristine said.

“I sure wouldn’t say that,” Ted responded.

“But when I tell you something that is bothering me, I do it with respect and calmness,” she continued. “You always have a bite in your voice. I’m not sure you even notice how you talk to me or the kids for that matter.”

As I listened to Kristine and Ted talk about their marriage of fifteen years, and specifically how they experienced each other, I became more aware that neither of them shared any feelings. Neither did either of them stop long enough to attempt to acknowledge how their mate was feeling.

Imagine the scene again, but this time each person saving room for feelings—their own and those of their mate. Imagine that each person created a space within themselves for their feelings and a space for their mates feelings. They remind themselves they don’t have to react to anything. They can remain calm, pulling themselves away from the conversation if they cannot remain balanced within.

Kristine begins, aware that she has been feeling hurt by her husband’s shortness with her. However, she has waited until she feels calm inside, careful not to come across in an accusatory manner.

“I don’t like the way you talk to me at times, Ted,” she begins. “When you come in at night after work you often speak harshly to me. That hurts my feelings.”

This time, after slowing down the process, he considers what she is saying. While feeling initially defensive, he tells himself that she can feel whatever way she feels and that is not necessarily a statement about him. Remaining calm, he can more fully attend to her.

“I hear you saying that I often hurt your feelings. I do think I talk harshly to you at times, and don’t stop long to imagine the impact of my words on you. Hearing that hurts my feelings as well and makes me feel sad. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“But you do, Ted,” she continues. “You seem angry when you come home, and very impatient. I walk on eggshells around you and don’t want to do that. I want to come close to you, not pull away from you.”

“I don’t really like hearing you tell me this Kristine,” Ted says, struggling within himself not to react. “But, I want to make room in our conversation for your feelings. Can I share mine with you?”

“Certainly,” she says, reminding herself to stay calm and listen. She didn’t have to accept everything Ted said, but she could listen—and listening feels good to everyone!

“I often feel taken for granted and unimportant,” he said. “I’d like to be greeted when I walk in the door and that doesn’t often happen. I feel ignored and then I start to feel anger.”

“That can’t feel very good,” Kristine said sympathetically, reminding herself that Ted’s feels aren’t always about her, but sometimes about him. She paused, letting Ted’s words sink in. She imagined the scene where he would come in at night, often very tired from his work. She imagined not greeting him and how their home was often in disarray because of their three children.

“I would like you to feel better when you come home at night,” she said sympathetically. “What can I do to help you?”

“I appreciate you asking,” he says. “Mostly you can greet me and let me know you’re happy to see me.”

“I can do that,” Kristine said, smiling. “That’s not asking too much.”

Let’s review what is happening with Kristine and Ted, and how we can learn much from their two very different interactions.

First, attempt to create a space for your and your mate’s feelings. Imagine creating a buffer zone between you and your mate where feelings can safely land. Remind yourself to breathe, relax and not take anything your mate says personally—even if they don’t say things perfectly and have a bit of a sting to them. You can acknowledge a hitch inside without reacting.

Second, remind yourself that everything your mate says is not necessarily about you, or if said about you, isn’t necessarily true. If they tell you that you hurt their feelings, for example, it may well be true that their feelings are hurt because of a combination of factors, including their own perceptions and history.

Third, acknowledge hearing them, including their feelings. Lean in, actively listening and taking responsibility where and when appropriate. Simply listening to your mate will go a long ways at calming down their agitated feelings. Validating their pain and your part in it will help to calm them.

Fourth, tune in to your own feelings, acknowledging when you need to step back because of defensive feelings. It’s okay to say, “I have to step back for a few minutes. I’m feeling defensive and can’t listen to you the way I want. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” You then take a little time to calm yourself down, reminding yourself not to take comments personally.

Finally, make an agreement with your mate that you will both practice remaining calm, listening attentively to each other’s feelings. With this agreement you can be assured that you are going to be heard at some point. Perhaps you won’t be heard initially, and must attend to your mate. But, if you do this effectively, they will want, and be able to, attend to you.

Rather than having “ping pong” conversations where you react to your mate and they react to you, cling to the Scriptural direction of being “slow to speak and slow to anger,” which allows you to truly listen, paying attention to your feelings and those of your mate.

I would like to hear from you. What do you about making a space for your feelings in your conversations with your mate? What have you found helpful in connecting to your mate? Please read more about my work at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Reset for Restoration

2012-01-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

Christie and I had a tiff last evening. I said something, she said something, then I said something, and she said something. And then there was silence.

It doesn’t matter what the topic was. You know the drill. One person sets the other off, the other counters with something hurtful, the other reacts negatively, and so on.

It doesn’t matter what happened. What matters is what happened NEXT!

We’re all going to get into tiffs. We’re going to forget all the skills we’ve acquired through counseling, reading books and listening to sermons. We’re going to slip into our de-fault, as I’ve written before. Many of us have ingrained patterns of acting, and reacting, that are very destructive. Many of us won’t take the necessary steps to change those patterns. But, one thing we can all do is reset for restoration.

What do I mean by reset for restoration? I mean we use one of my favorite tools—pattern interruption. We don’t do what comes naturally, such as withdraw, pout, blow up, say harsh words, criticize, snap, curse, or become otherwise passive-aggressive. We have a change of mind where we notice what we’re doing, or tempted to do, and do otherwise.

In our case, I went to where my wife had laid down in bed and told her, “I love you.” She said she was sorry and asked if I was sorry. I told her I was. We embraced and reset for restoration. We’re set to have a wonderful weekend.

Contrast this story with one I listened to on Friday from a couple I am working with—specifically a phone consultation from the woman.

James and Cally have been married for twenty-years, “most of them pretty miserable.” James and Cally came to Washington several weeks earlier for a Marriage Intensive and had experienced remarkable change. They were willing to thoroughly explore their dysfunctional patterns, and learned new ones to replace them with.

“We made some great changes in Washington, but now we’re back to our old ways,” Cally said during a recent phone session. When I heard this I knew we were in for additional work. But, as they were both tired of living the way they had been living, and agreed again to work towards real change.

“I’m back to withdrawing,” Cally said angrily. “I feel so betrayed by James. He knows now how to behave. He knows I can’t stand it when he withdraws. Now I’m just so angry with him that I find myself withdrawing.”

“You expected things to stay the way you had left them in Washington,” I said. “Now it feels like it was all for nothing. Is that right?”

“Yep,” she said. “I just don’t want to live like this.”

“I can’t blame you Cally,” I said. “But, are you noticing your response to his stonewalling? You seem to be withdrawing into bitterness. You could approach him and try a ‘reset.’ Do you remember about ‘resets,’” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “And I know I should approach him and try to start over. I know that’s the best way, and I will I guess.”

“It’s never easy,” I suggested. “But it’s better than the alternative, which is for him to withdraw into silence, and you to either chip away at him or withdraw into bitterness. Neither get you what you want, which is connection.”

We discussed the matter further and decided to set up a couple’s phone session, which we did. During our phone session we reminded ourselves that “We’re in this together and we can figure this out.” Most important, we agreed to a ‘reset,’ which is an opportunity to start over.

Both decided to apologize for old patterns of behavior—his was to withdraw in silence as a way of protecting himself from her bitter barbs. Hers was either to chip away at him sarcastically, or withdraw into stony silence. They reached out to each other and recommitted to using the tools they had learned at the Marriage Intensive, and today are again happily connected.

Let’s look closer at how to Reset for Restoration.

First, restoration of a relationship is not a linear path. There will be bumps along the way and you must be prepared for them. Don’t be shaken when either of you revert to old patterns of behaving.

Second, discuss those old patterns, how they are likely to manifest themselves, and what the new path looks like. Anticipate where they are likely to creep into your relationship. Know your triggers, and agree to take it slowly when you approach these raw spots.

Third, agree to set limits on old patterns. When you slip into old ways of behaving, acknowledge them and call a Time Out. Step back, maintain control of your emotions, and give due respect to ‘raw spots.’ Don’t allow the conversation to spiral out of control.

Finally, when things do go sideways—as they will—agree to ‘reset for restoration.’ Agree that you want connection more than you want to be right. Agree that you want closeness rather than to rehash old issues. Find ways to come back together, closing the gap on the disconnect that has occurred. Smile, touch and reassure each of your love for them.

We must remind ourselves that we have the Spirit of God within us, and armed with this power we can break old patterns of behavior. While those patterns are powerful, we can break them and apply new patterns we are learning. We can ‘reset,’ picking up the pieces and setting our relationship back onto the path of restoration.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.” (II Corinthians 5: 16).

What old patterns do you struggle with? Share with us the impact of resetting for restoration. Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Remember Who You Really Are!

2012-01-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

My associate and I watched in amazement as Geoff shifted from being pleasant and loving, to cold, hard and perhaps even calculating. He had been sitting facing his wife, Beth, smiling and interacting lovingly during the last fifteen minutes of the Marriage Intensive.

In a moment, immediately after I asked Geoff if he would be willing to talk about his wife’s recent emotional affair, he snapped.

“I don’t have any feelings about it,” he said matter-of-factly, turning away from us. He pulled out his cell phone to check the time, as Beth touched him softly, asking him to please talk about this.

“Nothing to say,” he said coldly. “I don’t know what you all want me to say, but I have nothing to say about this. We can sit here all day if you want, but I have nothing to say.”

My associate and I looked at each other in amazement. We had seen small glimpses of this before, but nothing this striking. Warm and engaging one minute, cold and aloof the next.

Geoff was not angry. He looked at us blankly, offering little and certainly willing to give even less. He had disappeared behind an invisible plexiglass screen. He was physically here, but emotionally in a distant land. His wife had witnessed this hundreds of times before and had learned to accommodate to it, albeit in a destructive way.

“This happens all the time,” Beth said softly. “If I get too close to him, he clams up. If I push now, he will get angry and then we won’t talk for days. I’ve learned to just leave him alone, and we will never talk about my emotional affair. But, I can’t take this anymore. It’s too crazy for me.”

Her response had no visible impact on Geoff. He fiddled with his moustache and watched as we tried to consider our next intervention. My associate and I were still perplexed as to this seamless movement between his warm, jovial self and his distant, detached and slightly annoyed self. We spent the next hour talking to Geoff, who explained he had no control over switching between selves. He didn’t voluntarily move from present to absent; from contact to detachment; from engaging to vacant. It was automatic, a response to threat.

An in-depth history from Geoff revealed he was raised by an abusive, alcoholic who had humiliated him for any vulnerability. Subsequently, he learned to guard that vulnerable part of his personality, showing it only to his wife during playful exchanges. When she came to close to any real pain, he forgot who he really was---a wonderful, caring, sensitive man, loved by her, God and many others---and shifted into a detached, insensitive and even mean-spirited man.

Our work during the Intensive was deep and at times painful, yet Geoff was ready for emotional surgery. To our surprise, Geoff announced, “I’m tired of carrying my dad around with me. I want to shed the weight of his anger and abuse and start living the way I know God wants me to live. I want to remember who I really am—a child of God’s. In the safety of The Marriage Recovery Center, the four of us created a safe container for Geoff, and a certain extent Beth, to distinguish between parts of their personality. This is work all of us can and should do.

First, recognize that we all have parts to our personalities. Sometimes these parts are subtle and hardly noticeable. Sometimes, as in the case of Geoff, the parts are very separate and distinct. Often times these parts are isolated from each other and don’t interact with each other, shifting from part to part without awareness. We see this when we fly into a rage, or slip into a depression. We see this when we move from lighthearted laughter to sullen sadness.

Second, we can learn to integrate these different aspects of our personality. It is natural to have different aspects to our personality, and trouble occurs only when we refuse to acknowledge these different parts. It is tempting, and perhaps even unconscious, to cut of parts of ourselves because of early pain and trauma in our lives. We must learn to love and accept our parts, interacting with them and essentially asking them what they want from us.

Third, try to act and feel from our core, true self. It is helpful to remember who we really are, reminding ourselves that we are children of God (I John 3: 1) and are loved by Him. We have been created to shine forth his light, to love others and to love God. When we interact with others from this core part of our personality, we are loving, gentle and caring. We make healthy decisions and make true contact and connection with our mate. We are vulnerable and receptive to love. We live out the fruits of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and faithfulness. (Galatians 5:22)

Fourth, catch yourself shifting into another aspect of your personality, asking that part of you what is needed. Sometimes these other parts of ourselves have been abused and neglected and are desperate for love and gentleness. That part of you needs caring and compassion. But, it can be frightening to sit with our pain and integrate that aspect of ourselves into our personality. To not do so, however, leads to the craziness exhibited by Geoff in his relationship to Beth.

Finally, remember who you really are. Slipping into an angry, detached, perhaps even mean-spirited part of your personality may be seamless and natural. However, doing so will create disruption in your connection to your mate. Doing so will keep that part of you from growing up and receiving all that your mate, and God, have for you. It’s time to remember who you really are and how you have been created by God to be.

Reflect on this Scripture.

“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” (I John 3: 2)

I would like to hear from you. What do you think about loving and accepting the different aspects of our personality? Have you seen this unconscious shifting at work in your marriage? What have you found helpful in connecting to your mate? Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Writing New Marriage History

2011-12-19T17:36:00.000-08:00

"I feel discouraged about the future," Lynn told me, with obvious irritation. "How can I trust he will ever to change? The past has been horrible, and nothing I do seems to work."Linda sat across from me in my counseling office, feeling dejected and profoundly discouraged.

"I feel so guilty for how I feel," she continued. "I know I should be more hopeful. He's a good man, and people like him. He says he's willing to get counseling. But, we've tried that before. He doesn't change and I'm sick of it."

Lynn paused and then continued.

"Maybe I just expect too much. After all, he's a leader in the church and does lots of nice things for others."

Waiting to hear the real problem, I asked Lynn point-blank about the issue that brought her into counseling.

"He is distant emotionally and intimately," she said sadly. "It's like I've got the plague or something. I ask him what I'm doing wrong, and why he doesn't seem to want to be around me. He always tells me the same thing."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong!"

"But he still avoids you?" I asked. "Even though he says nothing is wrong, he avoids you emotionally and physically?"

"Yes," Lynn said. "And I can't tell anyone. I'm ashamed. We appear to have the perfect marriage. A couple of great kids. Active in the church. He's a nice guy and we look like the perfect couple. But, no one knows I'm dying inside."

"Let me see if I get this, Lynn," I said. "You guys put on a good show, but inside you're in a lot of pain. We're not sure what kind of pain he's in, but he avoids you, physically and emotionally. He's active in church, and probably his work, but not available to you?"

"You've got it." She began to cry.

"Am I expecting too much?" she asked through her tears. "We get a little help, and things change for a short time. Then things slip back to the way they've always been and it seems like I either have to accept that this is my life, or leave him. Neither option sounds very good to me."

Lynn's words echoed in my ears, with the thousands other times I've heard them.

I either have to accept things the way they are, or leave.

Take a moment and inspect those words very carefully. Consider the significant problem with viewing things so narrowly.

• We're locked into two narrow options.

• Our world becomes small, rigid, constricted.

• As our viewpoint narrows, we loose creativity and possibility.

But how do we expand the possibilities when all we can see are the two, narrow options. Consider this positive story from a woman who has been in counseling for the past six months.

Dear Dr. David. Thank you for helping me see that I have more options than to simply accept things the way they are, praying and praying for change, or to leave. You helped me see that I could change me, and change the way I interact with my husband. While I didn't like it at the time, your counsel to "create a crisis" was good advice. Things were shaky at first, but you were right when you said deep down my husband didn't really want to lose our marriage. I finally got it that it was going to have to be me to drive the change in our marriage, but once I pushed hard for change, my husband understood that we were in trouble and agreed to participate in your Marriage Intensive. It took a crisis, however, for any change to occur. I still have to be firm about ongoing counseling as well. But, we're certainly on the right track. Thanks for nudging me out of my narrow, discouraged point of view.

--Hopeful in Seattle

This woman from Seattle understood the "paralysis of analysis"-where you turn a problem over in your mind so many times that everything becomes muddled. She knew the discouragement of praying and praying for change, but being frozen within her own inaction. Feeling betrayed by God, as well as her husband, she settled sadly into a life of disappointment-until she decided to take drastic action.

Let me share a few a strategies "Seattle" used. Consider trying them if you find yourself contemplating one extreme or the other:

1. Don't get stuck in extreme thinking. You have more options than simply to accept things the way they are leave. There are hundreds of ways you enable things to stay the same, and understanding them-as well as changing them-will open up new possibilities;

2. Get support. Being alone in your mind is a dangerous undertaking. Take a friend in with you. Better yet, take a friend and a respected psychologist and perhaps even your pastor. There is wisdom in the counsel of many (Proverbs 11: 14);

3. Your history doesn't have to predict the future. You can rewrite your history by creating new history. As you form new patterns, and slowly change the way you interact with your mate, suddenly you have new history that can be very exciting;

4. Prepare to create a crisis. Change rarely happens before a crisis of some sort. I like to say, " It takes a breakdown before there can be a breakthrough." Are you ready to really change things? Are you ready to start with changing yourself?

5. A little change is not enough. Don't settle for a few counseling sessions. Sign up for the full deal. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist how long they think it will take. Ask what exactly needs to be changed. At The Marriage Recovery Center we offer a full analysis of relationships along with diagnosis and recommendations. Obtain a clear understanding of what it will take to get you to where you want to go.

6. Stick with the change process. Don't give up. Don't give in. Stick with it. Be focused and firm, with clear objectives and an understanding of the path to get there.

7. Use consequences effectively. Yes, consequences are an effective aspect of every relationship. We teach people how to treat us, and generally they get the message if they know we mean business.

8. Catch each other doing things right. Notice progress. Pay attention to small and large efforts and appreciate them. Enjoy the progress made by your mate to improve your relationship.

You don't have to be stuck in the past. You don't have to settle for a mediocre marriage. You can be wise and use that wisdom to stop settling, create a crisis, and then institute change. Come out of hiding, get professional help, and then establish a plan to make your future become your new history filled with possibilities.

I'd love to hear from you with comments about this article. Are you struggling with marriage problems in your relationship? Please feel free to contact me for advice on Marriage Intensives or consultations on what may be needed to make significant progress in your marriage. Please share your concerns with me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, YourRelationshipDoctor.com.

Holiday Discount from the Marriage Recovery Center

2011-12-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the holiday season, the Marriage Recovery Center is offering a 10% discount for Marriage or Personal Intensives booked by January 10 (actual intensive can be scheduled for after that as long as you book it before January 10).

Resolve to improve yourself and your marriage in the new year and experience the the Marriage Recovery Center advantage: results. If you have tried traditional marriage counseling sessions in the past but did not experience results, the Marriage Recovery Center can help. Call (360) 490-5446 for more information or a free, no-obligation phone consultation.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

2011-12-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

Maintaining Emotional Sobriety

2011-12-11T17:44:00.000-08:00

We're all familiar with alcohol sobriety, drug sobriety, sexual sobriety and even sobriety as it pertains to our eating habits. Sobriety-being sober in our approach to certain aspects of living-is not only wise, but Biblical as well.

"Be sober minded. Be watchful." (I Peter 5: 8)

In a recent conversation with a couple, I found a new application for the concept of sobriety---emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety, as I define it, applies to maintaining emotional balance. It means attending to our emotional life when we are angry, discouraged and frustrated. During these times we are likely to react and react again, creating unbalance in our relationships.

"We debated for so long, over so many days, that I could hardly see straight," Susan shared. She was referring to the conflict she had been having with her husband, Terry.

"Did you do anything to manage your emotions during those days?" I asked.

Susan looked at me incredulously.

"How do you do that? We dive into certain topics and before we know it we're in quicksand," she continued.

"Every word he says makes me react and everything I say seems to make him react. We're two over-reactive people sinking deeper and deeper into conflict."

Terry had been sitting quietly.

"I guess this is just like alcoholism, you have to be just as responsible with your emotions," he offered.

As I talked to Terry and Susan about their relationship, I considered that emotional sobriety wasn't simply a problem for marriages, or those in dating relationships, but anyone relating to another person or even an event. I reflected about a friend of mine who struggled with emotional sobriety.

"I get so twisted with the way things go at work," Justin shared with me. "I shouldn't let policies and procedures get me out of whack, but they do."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I get so angry when policies aren't followed," he said. "I expect everone to follow the rules, and when they don't, I get mad. So, you can imagine working for the company I do, I get mad a lot. Drives me crazy."

"You can't let it go?" I asked.

"Wish it was that simple," he said. "My emotions seem to rule me rather than me ruling them. I'm practicing trying to keep things in perspective, but that's easier said than done."

Emotional reactivity. Rollercoaster emotions. Getting bent out of shape by things we have little control over. These are all symptoms of emotional imbalance and the need for emotional sobriety. What are some things we can remember in using our emotions the way God intended them to be used.

First, learn about your emotions. Emotions are e-motions, "energy in motion," and as such can be used for constructive purposes or be boundless energy that is quite destructive. First you must be aware of your emotional makeup. Do you become easily irritated? Are you prone to discouragement? Do you have patterns of emotional reacting that are harmful to you and your relationships? You must become familiar with these patterns before you can change them.

Second, monitor your emotions. Because most of us tend to be reactive, we seldom watch our emotional reactions. We're caught up in whatever is taking place externally, failing to monitor/ keep watch over our emotions. Journaling is one of the best methods I know to keep track not only of our daily moods and emotions, but patterns and trends in our emotional makeup.

Third, embrace emotional sobriety. Take responsibility in not allowing your emotions to rule your reactions. I've noted that it takes far less time to feel than it does to think, but it is critical we consider every situation, using our God-given wisdom to rule our behavior. If you've had problems with anger or emotional volatility, vigorously pursue emotional balance.

Fourth, make amends quickly for emotionally reactivity. Making quick apologies for any emotional reactivity will assist you not only in taking responsibility for it, but recognizing the impact emotional reactivity has on those around you. Your apology will also make necessary repairs for damage you've caused.

Finally, slow things down, at work, in your relationships, and in every aspect of your life. Give yourself every opportunity to keep things in perspective by taking time to think about what you want to say and how you want to act. Don't allow yourself to become emotionally reactive.

Scripture repeatedly warns us about behavior that is ungodly. We are warned about excessive anger, encouraged to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1: 19) Leaders in the church were encouraged to be sober-minded. I'm sure this included the way they dealt with their emotions as well as their behavior. Being sober-minded in how we deal with our emotions will help us in our relationships as well.

We'd love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com.You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Meeting His/Her Point of Need

2011-12-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

The email call header read like many others I routinely receive.

"Help! Marriage Trouble!"

I opened the message and read exactly what I had anticipated. Donald, a man apparently in his late thirties and married fifteen years, had been told earlier that day that his wife wanted a separation. He asked if I would call immediately.

As I read on, it was clear that Donald was panicking. He asked if I would be able to talk to him that afternoon and if he and his wife, Teresa, could fly out to Seattle to work with me. He made it clear that his wife had not agreed to coming to Seattle, but if I were willing, he was going to try to persuade her to come to The Marriage Recovery Center that weekend.

I arranged to talk to Donald later that afternoon.

"Dr. Hawkins," he began anxiously. "I need your help and I need it now! My wife is asking for a separation and we've got to do something. If I can talk her into it, would you be willing to see us right away?"

"Okay, Donald," I said. "Let's slow down and talk about what is going on. I don't want you to talk her into anything. What I can do is help you sort out what is happening, some reasons why it is happening, and the next best step."

"That would be great," he said, sounding a bit relieved.

He immediately launched into a tirade about his wife and the struggles he had been having with her. He blamed her for not being committed to their marriage, for threatening to break their vows, and for being difficult to live with. I listened carefully for a few minutes and then interrupted him.

"Donald," I said. "You've shared a lot about how you feel like you're getting a raw deal. You are clearly angry with your wife for threatening to separate from you. You've even shared about how you feel wronged by your wife. But, you haven't shared what your part in the problems are, or what she needs from you."

He paused, seemingly taken aback by my observation.

"Well," he said slowly. "I know it's not all her, and I'm open to hearing my part in the problems. But, she............."

"Donald," I said, interrupting him. "You're starting to talk about her again. I want to hear what your part of the problems are and why she is feeling so desperate she's thinking about leaving you."

He again paused, taking a few moments to think.

"Let me ask things a bit differently," I said. "Teresa is thinking about leaving you. I'm not suggesting you are entirely to blame. In fact, I don't think about these issues in terms of who is to blame. But, I want to know about her point of need. What does she need that she is not getting?"

"I don't know if I know that," he said.

"You have to know that," I said. "If you don't know it, you can't fix anything. And if you don't fix anything, you can't save your marriage. So, you've got some work to do."

"I guess I do," he said sheepishly. "I just know that she says she is unhappy, and I took that to mean she was having some kind of crisis."

"There is no question she is having a crisis," I said. "And it undoubtedly is not all about you. But, I'd be willing to bet a lot of it is about you and if we can figure out what she needs, you have a chance to save your marriage."

"Makes sense," he said. "Where do we start?"

"I have several things I want you to think about," I said. "I'm going to send you to school and then we'll set out to make some changes. After that we'll see if she's willing to talk to me to give us even more information. We'll have plenty to work on."

With that I asked Donald to consider a number of things, which I ask of anyone who seeks assistance from me when their marriage is in crisis. Consider these steps of action.

First, write out a history of your marriage. Problems don't arise out of nowhere, and with some reflection and wisdom you can determine the nature of your problems. When did they begin? What is your part in the problems? What attempts have you made to remedy the problems, such as professional counseling or talking to your pastor?

Second, what are her (or his) complaints? Much can be learned from simply listening to our mate. Most often I discover that the complaints leading to a crisis have existed for some time. Many attempt to deny the severity of the problem until it reaches a crisis. As you look back, list the complaints and seek to understand them.

Third, what is the validity of the complaints? Again, more often than not there is at least some truth to the complaints. While we are often reluctant to 'own' the complaints, being candid about the complaints is the first step toward solving them.

Fourth, consider your mate's point of need. What does she (or he) need right now? Using her complaints as a starting point, consider what your mate needs right now. This can be a bit tricky, because what they need may be something we don't want to give, such as space. Reeling from an emotional crisis themselves, they may want you to allow them some space to consider how they feel about you and the marriage. They may want you to show acts of kindness you have not done for some time. They may want you to receive professional assistance for a problem, such as anger or an addiction you have previously ignored.

Fifth, make a plan of action. Give her (or him) exactly what they need. Give them the space they need to reflect and consider what they need. Get professional help to learn more about your blind spots and character issues. Show your mate that you are serious in addressing your part of the marriage problems.

Sixth, get support, focus on changing yourself and pray about your situation. While facing this immense crisis, you must maintain perspective. That perspective includes the fact that you can only work on yourself, can only change yourself and require support to navigate the troubled waters that lay ahead. You need faith in God more than ever, and your actions need to be bathed in prayer.

Finally, be patient as you employ 'corrective emotional experiences.' Understand that even small changes can have powerfully positive repercussions. You don't need to change your entire personality, but you do need to recognize that every interaction has the power to change your mate's opinion about you. Be patient, don't push and allow things to unfold. Change, over time, will be recognized.

Meeting your mate's point of need can be a powerful antidote to a challenging problem. Stay focused and let us know how you're doing. We'd love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com.You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

I Care About You Too Much To Argue

2011-11-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

Arriving home late the other night, I wasn’t aware of being irritable. Certainly I was tired from a long day of counseling, and I received several concerning phone calls just as I was preparing to leave the office.

As I walked in the door of my home I noticed that my wife, Christie was busy on the computer.

“Hello,” she said, obviously engrossed in something important.

“Hello” I said, feeling a bit put off by her busyness.

Unaware of my irritation, I shuffled by her and went upstairs and began changing my clothes. She came upstairs after me.

“You okay?” she asked. “You seem a bit distant.”

“I’m fine,” I said, still uncertain as to what I was feeling. “But, you could have greeted me nicer when I walked in.”

“You’re right,” she said. “Welcome home.”

“Well, it doesn’t mean as much now,” I said sharply. “Why didn’t you get up and greet me when I came in.”

“David,” she said, pausing. “I love you too much to argue with you.”

“I’m not arguing,” I countered. “I just want to know why you didn’t get up when I came in. You hardly looked up.”

“David,” she said again calmly. “I love you too much to argue with you. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”

Her words now began to sink in. In fact, we had rehearsed them a week earlier. How quickly I forgot them.

Having just finished our most recent book, Love and Logic Magic for a Lasting Relationship, using Love and Logic principles, we literally wrote the book on this technique—refusing to engage in arguing. We had not only written about it, but had challenged others to refuse to argue as well. Here I was, weeks after the completion of the book, slipping into old, destructive, argumentative behavior. Ouch!

I stepped back and smiled.

“Good job,” I said, the potentially volatile scene diffused by my insight.

“Thank you,” she said. “Have you had a tough day?”

“Yes,” I said. “And I need a hug.”

Christie quickly obliged as I told her of my tiredness. Not only had we averted an argument, but I felt soothed and comforted by her presence. I was in a win-win situation—not only did I not add insult to my already ruffled feelings, but had the close relationship to my wife that I enjoy.

Let’s take a closer look at this strategy that you, too can use in your relationship.

First, refuse to argue. Oh yes, I know this is much easier said than done. But, if you anticipate situations that arise, ruffling your feelings, you can also anticipate how to handle them more effectively. Consider all of your relationships—with mate, friends, colleagues—and determine not to engage in arguments.

Second, be alert. Catch yourself walking into the courtroom of life-- where you want to engage in an argument, where you want to poke at someone, where you want to prove a point—into the sanctuary, where you want to connect and be at peace with your mate, your friends and others in your life.

Third, have a ready response, such as ‘I care about you too much to argue with you.’ This simple phrase is disarming. If you refuse to get hooked by someone’s challenging behavior, you will be much safer. “It takes two to tango,” so if someone tries engaging you in a battle, but you refuse to show up, a fight cannot occur. Plus your words can be felt as soothing and comforting, further deescalating a volatile situation.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12: 18) This powerful Scripture makes our response clear—be at peace with everyone. While I can only be accountable for my response, my response is powerful. Christie refused to fight with me, and subsequently no fight occurred. She lived out the Scripture beautifully, while it took me a little longer to live peacefully.

Finally, make it your goal to refuse to argue. Stay out of the courtroom in your relationships. Simply refuse to argue and more important, practice the art of neutralizing arguments by telling your friend, mate or colleague that you care too much about your relationship with them to engage in fruitless arguing.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

When You’re Asked to Leave!

2011-11-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

Sam, a thirty-five year old man, tearfully shared how he had watched his kids waving goodbye to him from the living room window as he left the family home and moved into the apartment he rented. He was entering a land completely unfamiliar to him.

“I really didn’t see it coming,” Sam shared in his sharp, educated voice. “Don’t know if I should have seen it, but I didn’t."

“What happened?” I asked. “Tell me your story.”

“She told me a couple weeks ago she was thinking about a separation. She said she ‘d been trying to tell me how unhappy she was for years.”

“And you don’t remember those comments?” I asked.

“Oh sure,” he said angrily, “but it’s one thing to tell me she needs change. It’s something else to tell me to leave my home, my kids, my family.”

Sam’s bitterness began to show. As Sam told of events leading to his marital separation, he was flooded with emotion—anger, hurt, sadness, even feelings of betrayal.

“It just seems like there are so many other ways Shar could have dealt with this. Asking me—no telling me—to leave is harsh. Why shouldn’t she leave? Why do I have to leave my home?”

“You didn’t have to leave, Sam,” I said. “But, to stay in a relationship where you are not wanted only creates more distrust and resentment. If you want a shot at saving this marriage, making things hard on her isn’t going to help your cause."

“It still hurts,” Sam said.

“Yes,” I said. “I don’t think there is any nice way to ask for a separation. But, I hear you. There’s no nice way to receive the news of an impending separation either.”

“There sure isn’t,” he said. “Now I have to figure out if there is anything I can do to save the marriage, or if I just move on with my life. That’s what my friends tell me. If she wants a life alone, let her feel the impact of her choices.”

“I suggest we move very slowly,” I said. “Let’s consider life from her perspective and then you can decide what you want to do. How does that sound?”

“Nothing sounds good to me now,” he said. “All it sounds like is a bunch of bad options. And I know I need to try to figure this out.”

With that we spent the next several months considering his choices, while also helping him process the magnitude of the quake that had hit his life.

First, consider what has happened and the context in which it has happened. Women, (or men), don’t simply wake up one morning and leave their marriage or ask their mate to leave. The tumult has usually been occurring for months, leading up to the request for a mate to leave. Take some time to put the event into context. Step back and try to create a story that makes sense. This will probably require professional assistance.

Second, look critically for needs that have not been met. A request for a separation is usually a drastic action to find relief from ongoing pain. We either meet needs directly, and efficiently, or indirectly, and often painfully. Sam’s wife, as it turns out, had been trying to get his attention for years but he had not heard the warning cries. She had felt abandoned, neglected and ignored. Her request for him to leave was a request for space so she could consider her next move. She needed to know if Sam would really look at his behaviors that played a role in her unhappiness.

Third, take responsibility for your part in this action. While tempting to play the victim, this won’t be helpful. Though tempting to slip into bitterness and anger, these emotions, while understandable, won’t help you work cooperatively with your mate in the days ahead. Blame simply doesn’t work. What is needed is cultivating the ability to be pragmatic, accepting your part in this separation and working on those issues that have come to light.

Fourth, pay attention to her feelings/ needs. While you are flooded with your needs, remember that she has feelings about this separation as well. Mates who request the separation often have feelings of anger, discouragement, distrust and sadness. They, too face a life of uncertainty and the possibility of the end of a marriage. They wonder why their mate hasn’t listened and responded to their requests for change. They feel anger if now, after a separation, their mate finally agrees to counseling and change. They distrust promises to change.

Fifth, take things slowly. Don’t panic. Don’t rush off to an attorney’s office. Don’t rush in, making promises to change. Don’t send gifts, cards, lengthy letters or make other efforts that only serve to overwhelm your mate. Don’t feel that you have to change everything in a few, short weeks. Time can be your best ally. Surround yourself with trustworthy friends who will offer needed encouragement.

Finally, be sensitive and considerate. Consider what is now needed. Pray for wisdom to know how to act. Listen. Your faith will be invaluable as you develop trust in God as a source of wisdom and strength, seeking His comfort in these troubling times. Choose healthy, wise counsel, while rejecting hurtful, insensitive counsel. Develop faith that knows this is a marathon, not a sprint. Consider there are often opportunities to save marriages with healthy responses. Certainly this is an opportunity to enrich your faith and make painful, but healthy change.

We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

We’re In This Together, and We Can Figure It Out!

2011-11-08T18:55:00.000-08:00

The couple entered my office stiffly; their icy stares belying what would erupt moments later.

“How are you two?” I asked Jeffrey and Maggie, a young couple who sat frozen in their chairs. She looked out my window, while he watched her. They had shared briefly in a phone conversation that this would be their last attempt to save their short marriage.

“Great,” Maggie said sarcastically. “Just great. I can’t trust him and I don’t think he really wants to save this marriage.”

“This is not going to be about ‘fixing Jeffrey,’” he said sternly. “I’m just not going to do it. It’s not only ‘fix Jeffrey.’”

“Never said it was,” she replied hotly.

“But you focus on my anger, and won’t talk about yours,” he protested.

“That’s because you have an anger problem and won’t admit it,” she retorted.

“Folks,” I interrupted. “Is this how it goes with you, pointing fingers at the other, defending yourself, and round and round it goes?”

“This is a mild version of it,” Jeffrey said, letting out a huge sigh. Maggie rolled her eyes in disgust.

I began with a lecture I give every couple that comes to see me either in my private office or at The Marriage Recovery Center. It’s a speech everyone, including myself, needs to hear. It’s a message of hope, but most important, it’s a message of cooperation.

“Jeffrey and Maggie. You’ve come to see me because your marriage is in trouble. However, you seem to be pointing the finger of blame at the other. While that is completely natural, and in some ways to be expected, solving problems only comes from working together.

Both nodded their heads, appearing relieved that there was hope of being able to end their battle, seeking solutions cooperatively. As we worked together over the following weeks, we emphasized the following points that have helped countless couples collaborate in seeking reconciliation.

First, problems are created together, and thus solutions must be found together. While we may initially want to believe that one person is the culprit, “the bad guy/ girl,” this is rarely the case. Both have behaviors that must change to bring healing to their relationship.

Second, by working together, co-laboring, we can work things out. I’ve said to hundreds of couples “the process is the problem, and therefore the process is the solution.” It doesn’t matter what we are arguing about, the fact that we are arguing, pointing fingers, shifting responsibility and playing the victim, renders us helpless to solve problems. Working together creates a synergy where problems are solved much more easily.

Third, collaboration releases creative emotional and spiritual empowerment to solve problems. Solving problems is nearly impossible when stuck in our small, narrow self-centered perspective. However, when we lock arms, submitting to God and seeking God’s wisdom, we cooperate and more easily find new ways of agreeing on problems and solutions.

Fourth, collaboration invites and embraces wisdom from each other. When released from our narrow, self-centered, wounded perspective, we truly listen to our mate. We empathize with their pain and connect to them in new ways. We want the best for them and are more willing to look at “our stuff.” Freed from condemnation, we stop hiding and dodging responsibility.

Finally, as we work together to figure things out, we discover a new level of connection. We fall in love with our mate all over again. With humility, we don’t think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think (Romans 12: 3) and rediscover the beauty and value of our mate.

If you are locked in a power struggle with your mate, step back, take a breath, and consider solving the problem together. Let go of your anger and realize that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” (Matthew 12: 25) Relax, remembering the good traits of your mate, and work together in solving your marital problems.

I would like to hear from you. What do you think about the concept of collaboration? Please read more about my work at MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Active Listening: Slicing It Thinner

2011-11-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

The middle-aged couple sat in front of me, preparing to participate in a three day Marriage Intensive. They had participated in weekly counseling situations several times over the years, but always left feeling they had received a Band-Aid for their problems, and no real cure.

Cary was a gruff, weathered fifty year old man who made it clear he didn’t really want to be here, and his wife, Maggie, didn’t seem a lot more excited. Both feigned enthusiasm, but it was quite obvious their emotional struggle had taken its toll on them.

“We feel pretty drained,” Maggie admitted. “We’ve been battling each other for years, and this is a last-ditch effort to save things. We’re both prepared to just be done if this doesn’t work.”

Cary nodded his head, his face showing no emotion.

“How about you?” I asked him. “Where are you at?”

“I’ve prepared myself for anything,” he said. “We’ve got thirty years invested in each other, so I don’t want it to end. But, this is draining.”

“What is draining?” I asked curiously.

“She seems angry all the time,” Cary said. “I can’t do anything to please her. I think she wants somebody else and I’d rather give her the freedom she wants than fight with her.”

“Hold it,” Maggie blurted. “It’s you who I want. But, I want you to really care about me. I want you to get me. I want you, and a marriage, where we care about and hear each other.”

“I have a question for both of you,” I said. “I’d like you to think about this. Maggie, do you believe that Cary really listens to, and understands you? Cary, do you believe that Maggie really listens to you and understands you?”

Both started shaking their head before I could call upon them.

“You both had a quick reaction to my question. I sense some voltage in you, like this might be a ‘hot spot’. Let’s talk about your answers.

We spent the next two hours not only talking about their disappointment with each other, but practicing a new way of listening to each other that I call ‘slicing it thinner.’ Both felt considerably better after our exercise and agreed to try it during the break before our next session. Here are the steps.

First, put your defensiveness aside. Okay, this is much easier said than done, but if you do not turn down the volume on the ‘yes, but....” you can never really hear what your mate is saying. You must acknowledge your defensiveness—the part of you that feels threatened, vulnerable, upset about what your mate is saying---tell yourself this ‘interference’ will stop you from being fully present to your mate.

Second, acknowledge the heart of what they are saying. Having turned down the volume on your defensiveness, repeat to them what you heard them say. “So, you’re saying….” Repeat this until you’ve accurately reflected the heart of what they are saying. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to understand it.

Third, slice it thinner. This means you ask questions so you understand the fullness of what they are saying. “Are you saying…” “Do you mean…” Cary learned to listen to Maggie, reflecting to her that he understood her feelings of exhaustion and frustration at his defensiveness. Maggie learned that Cary felt disrespected when she became angry and made accusations against him. Both learned to slow things down so they could more easily hear their mate.

Fourth, keep the emotion manageable. Nothing prevents true listening like heated emotion. Anger tends to narrow our focus, exaggerate our responses and pit us against our mate. Discouragement can lead us to hear only the worst part of what our mate is saying to us. Every couple longing to be listened to must keep their emotion manageable. They must learn to call ‘Time Outs’ if necessary to make certain they are in an emotional space to hear their mate.

Fifth, slowly digest the truth of what they are saying. Keeping your defensiveness volume turned down, or set aside, you consider what your mate is saying. While you may want to argue with your mate, don’t. Consider what they are saying and the truth of it. If you cannot digest and agree with all of what your mate is saying, see if you can agree with a ‘kernel of truth’ in what they are saying. Reflect to your mate that you hear the value of what they are saying to you.

Scripture tells us that we should be “quick to listen and slow to speak.” (James 1: 19) This certainly goes against our innate tendency to be quick to speak and slow to listen. Healthy couples perfect the art of listening, and this not only diffuses conflict but creates a powerful, loving connection. Try ‘slicing it thinner’ and notice the impact on both you and your mate.

Facing Our (De)Faults

2011-10-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

My computer is magical. When I turn it off at night it remembers all of my settings, and every morning when I wake it up it looks just the way I left it the night before. How does it do that?

I’m told by my tech-savvy friends that computers have “defaults” built into them that if left alone, will make my computer function with little input from me. I can change those “defaults,” but if left alone can expect them to run with little maintenance.

Our brains function much the same way. I wake up every day with my brain functioning pretty much the way I have programmed it to run. I tend to think the same thoughts, act the same way, do the same things the way I’ve always done that.

Now, hopefully you can see the problem. These “defaults,” or “de-Faults,” can cause havoc in our lives. These “de-Faults,” become faults that replay again and again. Unless we experience a profound intervention, spiritually and emotionally, we will do what we’ve always done, expecting different results. Unless we methodically work on changing the way we think, we’ll end up thinking the same thoughts again and again. We’ll have the same attitudes, beliefs, and mind-sets.

Now that’s not all bad news, unless of course, your mind-set is a bit twisted. If, through trauma, stress, troubling experiences and addictions, you’ve developed some dysfunctional ways of viewing and navigating through your world, you may need to have your personal computer—your brain—reprogrammed. Those de-Faults can be powerfully destructive!

I just finished a conversation with a very angry man, set upon blaming his wife for everything that had gone wrong in their marriage. Separated and facing divorce, he felt threatened and out of control.

“I’m just so mad,” Dale shouted. “Why does she act the way she does? She won’t take responsibility for anything.”

“You know Dale,” I said softly. “I can see that beneath your anger is a lot of pain.”

With that he grabbed his head, hitting his hands on the chair. He was frightened and hurt that his wife, Lisa had left him. He feared divorce.

“Being angry won’t help you,” I continued. “Blaming her for blaming you isn’t going to get us much ground. Sharing your sadness with her might.”

“She won’t listen to me,” he said, his eyes moist with tears. “She has her mind made up. She wants out so she can be free. Everything has to be her way. She…”

“Maybe it does for a while,” I interrupted. “But the way you’re viewing things now isn’t helping you. We have to look at your “default” method of functioning, and see how that is contributing to the problem. Then we need to look at her “default” way of functioning. I call them our “de-Faults,” because they are faulty ways of interacting that create chaos in our lives.”

“Oh, we do things the same way,” he stammered. “No question about that. Same dance, different day.”

“Yeah,” I responded. “Join the human race. Now, let’s get down to business. Let’s play a different song, so you can do a different dance with her. Okay?”

“I’ll do my part, Doc!” he said.

With that Dale and I laid out a plan for changing his de-Faults so that his interactions with his wife would change. Here is our plan.

First, know your patterns of behavior. We cannot change anything we don’t fully understand. Just like we can’t change the way our computer looks or acts without going into the “default settings,” we must do the same with our thoughts and actions. We must step back, reflect and consider how we naturally think and behave. If you have any doubts or don’t fully understand how you “naturally” behave, ask someone close to you, willing to tell you the truth.

Second, consider the impact of what you do. After fully understanding your natural tendencies—your de-Faults—consider the impact these attitudes and behaviors have upon you and others. Consider the ripple effect. List some of the ways these behaviors affect you. What is the most detrimental behavior you repeat over and over again?

Third, develop a strategy for changing your behavior. Scripture tells us that we must “renew our minds” if we don’t want to be conformed to this world and our old ways of behaving. (Romans 12: 2) We cannot simply wish our minds to change—we must change them! Reading Scripture and other good literature, listening to uplifting music, limiting our intake of television, are all ways to change our mind.

Fourth, develop a clear, healthy mind-set and behavior change goal. Scripture tells us the Truth will set us free. Propose to tell yourself the truth, ridding yourself of lies and distortions that create chaos in your life. Scripture and wise counsel will help us know right ways of thinking and behaving. Outline a clear plan for change.

Finally, develop an accountability partner for change. Studies indicate we are more likely to stick to a behavior change goal if we talk about it, share it with others and have someone who will hold us accountable for change. They must know our precise goals, including a plan for changing attitudes as well as behaviors.

Do you have de-Faults you want to change? We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Taking Longer to Think Than to Feel

2011-10-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

It all started innocently enough. My wife Christie, late for work and facing the chilling temperatures that have recently hit the Pacific Northwest, asked me to move my car.

“Why?” I snapped, feeling anxious, hurriedly preparing for work myself.

“Because I need to get into the garage to get some things,” she said, obviously frustrated.

“You don’t need to snap at me,” I said shortly.

“You snapped at me first,” she said.

“No I didn’t,” I said, feeling increasing irritated.

“Can you please move your car?” she said. “I don’t want to argue over this.”

“Sure,” I said. “But I still don’t like how you’re talking to me.”

“And I don’t like how you’re talking to me. But I need your car moved or I’m going to be late for work.”

Feeling angry and put out, I stomped down our snowy stairs to move my car. By now I had just begun thinking one of my own favorite rules: It takes longer to think than it does to feel, so go slowly.

What had happened? Why had this morning started so poorly? What was there to learn from this situation?

Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, up to your eyebrows in challenging feelings before your brain had even kicked into gear. Overwhelmed by troubling emotions, making comments you later regret, you don’t realize what occurred for hours. By then the damage has been done. These are examples of taking longer to think than to feel.

Yes, it’s true. Our brain reacts to a situation in a microsecond. But to fully understand what is taking place is quite another matter. I don’t know about you, but I’ve found I don’t fully appreciate a situation, and my feelings about it, for minutes, sometimes hours and occasionally days.

You can see this puts me at a distinct disadvantage when faced with an emotional threat of any kind. I can hardly say to Christie, “Slow down. I need a couple of hours to think about what is happening right now. Can you wait on the car and let me go to work, come home tonight and relax, and then I’ll give you an answer about moving your car.” This would not work. So, what are we to do?

First, understand it takes longer to think than to feel. You must have full appreciation for your feelings, understanding they need to be tempered by thought and wisdom, and this may take some time. Feelings can, and will be, overwhelming at times. You may not know what to do with them, and that’s okay.

Second, slow down the process. While you usually cannot take days to ‘think things over,’ you can take a few minutes. You can respond to the immediate situation—moving the car—while you also consider why you are having the reaction you’re having. Ask your mate for a few moments to collect your thoughts before responding. Scripture says, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14: 29)

Third, manage your behavior while taking time to understand your feelings. Since it is likely to take some time to understand what you are feeling, and why you are feeling that way, endeavor to act wisely. Guard your tongue. Notice your ‘typical’ default mode and endeavor to respond respectfully, regardless of how you feel. Scripture tells us “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.” (Proverbs 19: 11)

Fourth, do not judge your feelings. As you take time to understand them, they will make sense. Rarely can we make sense of our feelings while also trying to think. I couldn’t process why I was feeling threatened when Christie asked me to move my car. A seemingly innocuous request wasn’t landing well with me. However, I wasn’t able to think quick enough to know that I was feeling put upon when I was already anxious about my schedule. Being with my feelings has been a tough lesson to learn.

Finally, agree to talk about your feelings, and listen to your mate’s feelings, when you have time to truly attend to the other. Trying to share feelings in the heat of the moment is rarely productive. More often than not this will only lead to an escalation of feelings. Move slowly, be kind in your reaction, and agree to talk about the situation when you can think! You will be able to think more clearly when you have calmed down, have plenty of time to attend to your mate and be attended to, and can feel and think simultaneously.

Do you react suddenly to your mate, regretting words spoken impulsively? Does it take time for you to understand what you are feeling? Join the crowd. Remember, it takes longer to think than to feel, and we must respect this fact. We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

The Power of “Being With” Our Mate

2011-10-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

With all our crazy thoughts, wild dreams and zany aspirations, we want someone to “get us.” We all want to be understood. We want someone with whom we can “be at home.” This is all the more critical when we are in emotional pain—we long to not be alone.

“Kerry tries to hear me,” Carly shared with me recently during an individual counseling session, where she wanted to consider the progression of our work.

“He really wants to heal our marriage,” she continued. “He is sorry for what he’s done. But, I still don’t think he gets the seriousness of what has happened.”

I have been working with Kerry and Carly, a fortyish couple who are struggling to put their marriage back together after a time of separation. Carly simply couldn’t stay with Kerry any longer, in spite of their firm Christian faith and dedication to each other.

“I can’t stand the distance between us,” Carly shared. “I would rather be alone than with a man who is there physically, but absent emotionally. I can’t do it anymore.”

Kerry had apparently heard the threats of separation for years without taking her seriously. It took her leaving to bring the reality of their situation front and center. I have been seeing them primarily in depth marriage counseling, where I meet with them for two-three hour sessions.

While the counseling has been helpful, the work has revealed a real gap in how Kerry relates to Carly. She still spends an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to “reach Kerry,” while he remains emotionally distant, a pattern I’ve seen now in countless other couples. Sometimes it is the woman who is emotionally vacant, but more often it is the man.

After several depth counseling sessions, it became clear that Kerry desperately wanted to connect to his wife, but didn’t have the emotional language and skills to do it. He repeatedly offered her reassurances of his love for her, which was well-received, but was not able to truly “hear her.” The more frustrated she felt, the more agitated and defensive he became.

“This is the way I am,” Kerry said. “I really don’t know what she expects.” I sensed anger beneath the surface. He was being asked to give something he felt incapable of giving. She upped the ante by leaving, even threatening divorce if he didn’t work harder at learning emotional language. Out of frustration, as much as anything, he agreed to work harder in couples and individual counseling to heal the rift in their marriage.

A recent email from a man echoed similar sentiments:

Dear Dr. David. I never thought I’d be writing to someone like you, and certainly never thought I’d be making the complaints I’m making. I am married to a professional woman. I am immensely proud of her. But, the more successful she has become, the less time and interest she has in me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a needy man. But, I miss the times when my wife would sit and listen to me for hours. I miss the years when we were poor, but had plenty of time for each other. Now I’m lucky to get a few uninterrupted minutes at night when she is exhausted. I have to schedule a date with her to get any of her time. What can I do to get my wife back?

---Lonely

Can you hear the similar themes in both of these situations? In the first, the woman seems to have the attention of her husband, yet he still struggles to be attuned to her feelings. He seems to lack the primary ingredient in connecting—empathy. He listens, but doesn’t really “hear” what his mate is saying. Subsequently, she feels isolated and alone.

In the email from the man, we hear his loneliness, perhaps as much physical as emotional. He would gladly give up their trappings of success for the intimacy he knew years ago. Perhaps you can see your marriage in one of these situations. Here are a few ideas for both couples.

First, refine the fine art of listening. Turn off the television and computer, and give each other your undivided attention. Giving attention, and truly listening, has been said to be the cornerstone of love. Listen with an open heart, hearing what is there as opposed to what you might want to hear.

Second, listen for what is not being said. Develop the skill of drawing out your mate. Encourage them to share on a deeper level, making a connection to their heart. Help them put words to what they cannot fully put words to. This will form a most powerful connection.

Third, “be with” your mate and their pain. We all carry sorrow and loss in our hearts and yearn to have a safe place to share those feelings. Relationships in trouble have even more pain they must learn to process with each other. “Being with” your mate’s struggles will not only create a powerful bridge to them, but will be the basis from which you solve the problems that give rise to those painful feelings.

Finally, know that you have been created for intimacy—which means “into me see.” God created us for relationship—with Him and with each other. When we go into hiding---because of feeling unsafe, wounded or frightened—we cannot be the person we have been created to be. Vow to create that safe place for your mate where they can be transparent and vulnerable. As you succeed in this your relationship will thrive and prosper.

What have you done to create safety in your relationship? Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

When Marriage Counseling Fails

2011-10-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

I looked over at Cynthia, a forty-year old woman, energetic, stylish, but with a hint of annoyance on her face.

“I wouldn’t say it didn’t help at all,” she said matter-of-factly. “I think we got a few skills out of it. But, it didn’t take long for us to slip right back where we are now—and we’re not doing well.”

“I want to understand this,” I said to them. “I want to know what worked and what didn’t.”

“Actually,” Steven began slowly, “we’ve seen a few different counselors over the years. None of them helped us much.”

Cynthia nodded her head.

“Maybe it’s us,” she admitted. “But, we couldn’t connect with some of the counselors. Others helped a little, but not enough. We’re not sure what the matter is. We need something different this time.”

An email echoing Steven and Cynthia’s complaints came to me recently, spurring me to look deeper into the matter.

Dear Dr. David. My wife and I have been going to counseling for six or seven weeks, and I must say I’m pretty frustrated with the whole process. We spend fifteen minutes getting to the topic at hand, get into it, and before you know it it’s time to go. My husband and I leave in silence, don’t talk for two days, and try to hold on until our next counseling session. Anyway, the progress is painfully slow and we’re thinking about stopping. Sometimes it seems like we were doing better before counseling. Does counseling really help, or is it possible that counseling actually makes matters worse at times? We need something different.

--Discouraged

My answer is, “something different.” Let’s delve further into the matter. For the most part, my experience tells me there is not much different happening in the counseling field. My informal reflection on the subject suggested far too many couples had seen far too many counselors with far too little effective results. What was the matter? I’ve come up with a few ideas to consider which will help you as you consider marriage counseling.

First, find a counselor who is competent. Just as you would do research before going to a medical doctor, do the same due diligence when seeking marriage counseling. Not only do you want a counselor with excellent education (with at least a Master’s degree), you also want someone trained and particularly interested in marriage counseling. While most counselors say they do marriage counseling, very few receive specialized training in the field. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about their interest in the field, experience as well as specific questions as to their rate of success. Seek a marriage counselor who has a specific protocol for marriage counseling and feels confident with it.

Second, determine your counselor’s attitude toward marriage. Again, don’t be afraid to ask about their stance regarding marriage. Do they actively promote divorce? Do they actively promote marriage? What are their beliefs and how do they play out in the marriage counseling process? Some counselors are ‘neutral’ about marriage and don’t actively try to ‘save a marriage.’ Instead, if there is too much conflict in the marriage, they will encourage separation and divorce.

Third, seek a ‘strength-based’ counselor. Many counselors are trained to ‘find out what is wrong in the marriage.’ With this training and orientation, they tell you everything they see that is wrong with your marriage. Of course this only serves to make matters worse if this counsel is not coupled with observing and building upon the strengths in your marriage. Your counselor notes, and helps you note, what you do well in your marriage. What are the ties that bind you together in a healthy way?

Fourth, seek a counselor willing to offer clear and specific guidance. If you could find your way out of your jam on your own, you wouldn’t need a counselor. Sitting with a counselor who only does reflective listening can make you feel good temporarily, but you need an ‘emotional surgeon,’ willing to make incisive comments and observations. This won’t always feel good, but you will sense you are getting to ‘the heart of the matter.’ If you don’t have a sense that you are receiving specialized, skilled, decisive direction, you’re not getting your money’s worth.

Finally, find a counselor who is available to you. While most counselors work 9-5, Monday through Friday, not all issues arise during ‘banker’s hours.’ Increasingly I find I must often schedule multiple sessions per week during the crisis phase of marriage counseling. At times I must take phone calls or answer emails to ensure the couple is staying on track with homework assignments or managing their conflicts effectively. Good marriage counselors aren’t afraid to roll up their sleeves and listen carefully to the needs of their clients, changing course as is needed and requested.

What is the bottom line? You must feel a sense of direction and traction in your counseling. If frustrated, share your frustration with your counselor. If they are unwilling to alter their course, find another counselor who will work effectively with you. You must feel satisfied and have a sense of teamwork. If you don’t, something is wrong.

What have you found helpful in marriage counseling? Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Recovering from the Breakup, Makeup, Shakeup

2011-10-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

Watching my clothes tumbling around in the dryer, after a good washing, reminded me of a discussion I recently had with a couple attempting to reconcile after yet another separation. It was their “fourth or fifth separation,” and they were suffering the effects of their rollercoaster relationship and subsequent emotional intensity.

“We’re weary,” John said to me, his wife Kristine sitting close to him. “We both feel beat up and can hardly think straight.”

Sadness etched in the creases of Kristine’s face.

“I love John,” she said slowly, “but this is really taking a toll on me. We fight, breakup, and then a few days later we makeup and get back together. It’s a rollercoaster.”

This was the second marriage for both Kristine and John, and they had an intense desire to make this marriage work. Yet, with patterns of fighting, distancing and then making up, they were suffering from what I describe as “emotional hangover”—where intense, ongoing feelings are experienced over a prolonged period, creating confusion and emotional overload.

“I really love Kristine,” John added. “But man, we just can’t seem to stop going at it. We have these wonderful periods of loving actions toward each other, but when we talk about her kids or my kids, or money we spend on our kids, things explode.”

“We should be able to talk about these things without explosions, though,” Kristine noted. “Why can’t we deal with things like normal people?”

“Listen folks,” I said. “Let’s look at all the pieces and see if we can find sobriety for your emotional hangover, okay?”

“Sounds good to me,” John stated firmly. “I don’t like my head spinning like this.”

I shared with John and Kristine some principles I’ve written about extensively in my book,10 Lifesavers for Every Couple. We discussed how our brains need a rest from intensity. (Note how God instituted the Sabbath as a time of rest.) Specifically, I suggested the following:

First, any “cycling” relationship means there are patterns that must be understood. You must stop doing the same things and expecting different results. Step back, reflect and be honest about what is happening in the relationship. Be willing to look at the matter as objectively as possible. While making up is enjoyable, breaking up creates a shaking up, and this takes an incredible toll over time. Pray for wisdom to understand the dysfunction you, and your mate, bring to this destructive dance.

Second, create a safe container to discuss volatile topics. Every couple has “raw spots”—topics that are emotion-laden and must be approached with care. John and Kristine mentioned two topics—children and money—that had extra emotion attached to them, where they needed to approach with caution We explored how a “safe container” meant they would manage their emotions, listen carefully to each other, and discuss these topics slowly and lovingly.

Third, value each other’s point of view. There is rarely a “right” or “wrong” way of seeing things, and healthy couples know it is important to “agree to disagree.” However, if we truly value and understand our mate’s point of view, chances are good that we will find a place of agreement.

Fourth, be gently inquisitive. Be an explorer, seeking to understand this new terrain—the mind of your mate. Ask why they see things the way they do, and seek to fully understand why they see what they see and believe what they believe. This, by the way, is very disarming and draws your mate closer to you.

Firth, seek places of agreement. Rather than taking on a win/ lose mentality, stretch yourself to find places of agreement. Look for common ground, rather than focusing on where you disagree. Shifting to the “common ground mindset” brings you together, and this brings healing.

Sixth, agree that you are both ‘normal,’ and together you must find a way to recover from these emotional hangovers. Agree you will respect the fact that you have sensitive issues, needing extra care and attention. Together, and perhaps with a trained professional, you will seek ways to talk about these loaded topics without allowing your emotions to become unmanageable.

Finally, take time out for pleasure and rest. We all need a break from emotional intensity. We must cultivate the ability to set issues aside. This goes against the grain of those who want to “hammer out issues.” Unfortunately, when we “hammer out issues” someone usually gets hurt. Don’t be afraid to set topics aside to cool things down. Take a break from it all to simply value each other and the strengths that drew you to one another in the first place.

Are you experiencing an emotional hangover? Do you sometimes feel as though your mind could fly into little bits when fighting with your mate? We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Living With A Chronically Ill Spouse

2011-08-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest challenges with having a spouse with a chronic illness such as Alzheimer's or some other malady, is the resentment you feel toward your spouse. You remember the good times with your spouse and struggle with the grief, loss and anger you feel, and subsequent guilt for having those feelings. Your friends offer platitudes like 'For better or for worse,' but you never imagined you'd really have to live out those words. Getting away from your mate is often the only relief you get from the emotional weight of caregiving, but the ensuing guilt and reminder of the immense loss sometimes don't seem worth the effort. Yet, giving yourself permission to get away and enjoy yourself with friends will help you maintain your new life. Maintaining hobbies and other nourishing activities are critical to keeping your mental health. You cannot care for others unless you completely care for yourself first.

Celebrity Marriages

2011-08-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

The odds of staying married are 50/ 50 at best. Add pressures from being a celebrity and your odds decrease dramatically. What is happening here? First, consider the motivations for many celebrity marriages. As the commercial says, 'Image is everything.' Celebrities are obsessed with image, and so their choice of life-mates is colored with questionable motivations. Second, consider the pressures of celebrity marriages. Pressures to look good, be popular, be 'on' all the time, not to mention frenetic schedules. Normalcy and celebrity marriage is an oxymoron. Finally, how is a celebrity couple supposed to work on their marriage? We all know marriage takes tremendous commitment, focus and passionate connection, commodities in short supply in Hollywood. So, I'm not saying Hollywood couples are doomed, but I do say they need to put the work into their relationship just like you and me—if not more! They must make repairs to their marriage when needed, and know when they need to call for help!

Understanding Emotional Abuse

2011-08-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hiding Behind Blame

2011-07-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

At the first Weekend By the Sea women’s retreat I sat with six women. While each had unique stories, there were definite themes. Most came feeling resentful, sad and alone, hoping to find answers to lingering questions about why their relationships weren’t working.

The first day and a half most of the women seemed stuck in feeling sorry for themselves. Suddenly, one woman blurted out.

"I get it," Jackie said, a fifty-five year old woman who had flown to Seattle from the East

Coast to participate in the women’s codependency retreat. "Before I learned about codependency, and my part in the dysfunctional dance I'm doing with my husband, I was blaming everything on him. Now I'm not going to be able to hide behind that anymore."

The other women participating in the women’s codependency workshop looked at her in disbelief.

"What do you mean?" another woman asked angrily. "Our husbands and boyfriends have caused us a lot of pain. I've suffered a lot from my boyfriend's bad behavior."

"No doubt," Jackie said. “I have wanted to believe it’s all my husband, and I guess I’m beginning to look at things differently. I don’t think blaming him is fair anymore. I convinced myself for years that all my sadness had to do with him not meeting my needs. But I’m really getting it now. I don’t do all that well meeting my own needs, and I resent his needs.”

The room was quiet. Facilitating this women’s retreat had been a challenge for me. I wasn’t sure how well everyone would handle looking at their relationship to their Self, a topic rarely talked about in Christian circles. But, believing it was time to venture into this professional territory, I broke the silence.

“We talk a lot about others taking advantage of us,” I said, “but how can they do that without our permission? We talk a lot about holding our own, but what does that mean? Holding our own what?”

The women nodded and Jackie began speaking again.

“Like I said,” she continued, “it’s a lot easier to blame Blake (her husband) for everything. But, doing that just keeps me resentful and besides, I don’t have to look at my stuff. It’s much easier to be angry with him for our problems than it is to look at my poor boundaries and how I settle for things I don’t really want to settle for.”

“Like what?” another woman asked.

“Well,” Jackie began slowly. “Where to begin? What I’m learning here is that I must hold onto my own truths. I must stand firm with my convictions. I don’t do that. I let others, including Blake, talk me out of what I think and believe. I must prayerfully consider what is right for me, and then discuss how to meet each other’s needs. I get thrown off track so easily. I’ve got so much work to do.”

“Yes, yes,” Delores, another woman said. “I’ve caught myself talking a lot about my boyfriend here, and you’ve had to get me back on track, talking about my lack of convictions and clear boundaries.”

The group began responding to Jackie’s words, clearly making an impact.

“Everyone thinks I’m so sweet,” Claire said. “I’m really tired of everyone thinking I’m so sweet when inside I’m seething. Everyone knows I’ll do anything for anyone, but won’t ask anyone to do anything for me. Everyone thinks I’m happily married when I’m miserable. This is crazy!”

“Holding our own doesn’t have to be an angry stance,” I suggested. “We don’t have to respond to bad behavior with equally bad behavior. Scripture tells us to “stand firm. I think that can apply to us standing firm for what we believe to be right and true.”

Kate nodded demonstrably, and asked if she could share a Scripture.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” (Ephesians 6: 13)

“Yes,” I said. “We don’t need to apologize or shrink back from standing firm for the truth. And, we can know the truth by knowing Scripture. Often, however, we cave in to the agendas of others. Then we resent them, when all the while it is largely our own lack of clear boundaries.”

“So,” Jackie said. “Now that I know I’m blaming Blake for everything, what are some things I can do to live with integrity?”

I shared some thoughts on the matter.

First, be clear about your own convictions. You cannot know what you must "stand firm" about until you know what is important to you. While this may sound simple, it can actually be a challenging process of reflection and consideration.

Second, create a space within yourself to hold these truths. Like a precious treasure, you must “guard your heart.” (Proverbs 4: 23) Don’t cast your truths about without care.

These are invaluable truths about what you need to take good care of yourself.

Third, cultivate a healing community. We all need friends who will help us nourish our truths. These friends must be nurturing, but also willing to confront us when we slip into “playing the victim.” Our healing community must also include a strong and vibrant relationship with God who gives us wisdom.

Finally, celebrate victories. While we certainly need a healing and supportive community, and a nourishing relationship with God, we need a healing and nourishing relationship with ourselves as well.

Celebrate small and large steps of progress, watching our decision-making skills grow.

I’d like to hear from you. Have you been hiding in blaming others? Is it time for you to take more responsibility for your life? Please read more about Codependency in my book, “When Pleasing Others is Hurting You” and explore more about my Marriage Intensives, Weekend By the Sea Retreats and Wildfire Marriage Interventions at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

The Futility of Blame

2011-07-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

Many people write to me angry about the behavior of someone in their life. Their emails are filled with justifications for their right to be angry, hurt and resentful. They offer a litany of abusive behaviors which led them to the conclusion that they are the wounded party and have a right to either end the marriage or blame their mate for their misery.

It is nearly impossible to tease apart who is “right” and who is “wrong,” and in fact such an effort nearly always ends in futility. Why? Because relationships are much too complex to label one person “bad” and another “good.” Understanding humanity, we know that all are fully capable of doing “bad” things, and with God’s grace, also capable of much good.

Far too much conversation and conflict takes on an adversarial quality. We point fingers, level blame, collect hurts and wounds, and then begin to make a determination that our mate is “the crazy one.” This is not to say that there aren’t CrazyMakers in our world, because surely there are. However, as many have come to realize, we develop CrazyMaking tactics ourselves.

As you consider become healthier, I suggest the first tactic to give up completely is blame. Again, blame says:

· “You are wrong and I am right.”

· “You are bad and I am good.”

· “I am completely justified in treating you badly because of what you have done to me.”

· “Your faults are much greater than mine.”

· “I have a right to feel righteous indignation.”

Now again, be careful about thinking too simplistically. There certainly are times when we have been wronged and can understandably feel hurt. But, we don’t want to camp there. We don’t want to drive a stake and take on a “victim” position. This will only keep us stuck. Each of us are fully responsible for our lives and must make difficult decisions at times to preserve our sanity.

Listen to the following story of a man who decided to stop the destructive patterns in a troubled marriage. He certainly seems to have tried everything possible to preserve his marriage even in establishing a separation.

Dear Dr. David. I read your book about dealing with CrazyMakers twice, once in a panic-state while trying to save my marriage and again after being separated for seven months. I actually read it the second time without looking for some magic fix to my wife’s problem. Your book saved my sanity. I realize there was nothing to be done that would have mattered and everything attempted was only enabling a sickness. She moved out in February taking every stick of furniture except my bed, demanding that I pay for her apartment. The toxicity has mostly left my thinking and been replaced with objectivity. Her periodic threats, text messages and angry voice messages are almost pitiful, now that I understand it is a five-year-old maturity level and not a forty-eight year old woman. Had it not been for your book, they certainly would have “hooked” me into the painful cycle once again.

I am trying now not to blame her. We got hooked into patterns of blaming each other that was not healthy. She is responsible for what happens in her life now and is no longer in a position to blame me. When our mutual friends attempt to tell me what is going on with her, I politely change the subject or ask them to stop. Rescuing doesn’t work. Blaming her doesn’t work. Appeasing doesn’t work. Giving in doesn’t work. No contact works, if only for me, if only for now.

I still ask God to bless her and take care of her as only He can. Not because I’m not furious with her, but because she is very wounded and very damaged from a long time ago. Thank you for your book, as it helped me to find my way during a very difficult time. I’m still not sure what will happen to our marriage, but apart, I am able to think clearer and make better decisions.

There is a saying that says, “Muddy water left alone becomes clear.” It seems that this is true for this man. He has given up the fight and certainly sounds healthier because of it.

If you are like me, you’ve been in relationship/marriage situations where you make decisions from a state of panic. You’re angry, hurt, wounded and desperately want your mate to act differently. You want to control the situation, and so shift to the one tactic we’ve had in our genes from the beginning of time: blame.

But, blame doesn’t work. It never has worked. While it may make you feel powerful, tough and self-righteous, it doesn’t help heal. Understanding works. Empathy works. Objectivity works. Self-reflection and acceptance of responsibility works. Cooperating with your mate in seeking solutions works.

Relationships are difficult at times. Filled with passion and emotion, it can be extremely hard to make sense out of things. I suggest a beginning place to sort our your marriage and relationship problems: give up blame. Share your hurt with your mate, but give up blame. Share your fragility and fear, but give up blame. Share your panic, but give up blame. Step back, seek Godly counsel, and give up blame. It simply alienates, wounds and is futile in solving problems.

Please let me know what you think about giving up blame. What experiences do you have with blame? What has helped, and what has hurt when it comes to blame?

Time For Us

2011-07-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

Life is frantic. There are children to feed, a home to clean, a job to attend to, bills to pay, and then there’s the marriage—usually in that order. At times the marriage feels like another obligation, rather than a relationship that recharges your batteries so you enjoy life.

A majority of households now are dual-income families. Many are dual-income, blended families, adding yet another layer of complexity to the situation. Raising children in an atmosphere of financial pressures can be hard enough, but how do we find time for us? These are questions more and more couples are asking, and there is no simple answer.

A recent email elucidates the problem.

Dear Dr. David. I really do not have a comment but I did thoroughly enjoy the article. My question is what suggestions would you have for a married couple that’s been married six years with a 17-month-old? Usually when I get home from work I try to spend time with both my wife and toddler. It was suggested that the first 20 minutes should be spent talking with your spouse in a quiet place but it is hard to do that when we have a toddler running around. When it's time for dinner I find it heard to carry on conversations because my wife doesn't talk much when she normally initiates the conversations and myself normally not being the initiator. Any advise or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

--Lonely Husband

Have you encountered a similar experience in your relationship? Do you have any advice to share with our readers? There is no simple solution and each couple will have to tailor ways to spend quality time together. Please share what has worked for you.

Children Lost in the Shuffle

2011-07-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

With the divorce rate hovering between fifty and sixty percent of marriages, blended families have become a norm in our society. While we have learned much about blended families, and how they can overcome natural obstacles to develop healthy, stable family life, greater numbers of children are caught in the throes of their parent’s difficulties.

Not only do children from blended families face challenges unknown to children from bio-families, greater numbers of grandparents find themselves trying to pick up the pieces from their children’s challenges. These grandparents are not only ill-prepared to manage these young children, but face unique pressures from their children, ex-children-in-law as well as the grandchildren themselves.

A recent email elucidates the problem.

Dear Dr. David. My husband and I are in our mid-fifties, and never in a million years expected to be parents again. But, that’s what we are to our two grandchildren. The problem is this.

Our daughter married a man and they had two children. He ended up being abusive and an alcoholic, and they ultimately divorced. Now our daughter has custody of their two children, and because of her financial problems, she ends up leaning on us—a lot.

But, that’s not the only problem. In addition to our lives being turned upside down, by our grandchildren that we love, we must watch our grandchildren have regular visits with their father, watching how hard this is on them. So, we watch the kids more than we dreamed we ever would, watch our daughter struggle with her choice of men, and have to watch our grandchildren be hurt by their controlling father.

We know that the common advice is to love our grandchildren and let go of the rest, but this is far easier said than done when we see how they are caught in the shuffle. Any advice?

--Exasperated Grandparents

Dear Exasperated. Your troubling situation is one repeated many times over because of the factors I addressed earlier. I have counseled dozens of grandparents who are unexpectedly raising their grandchildren. There are several issues to consider in your challenging situation.

First, acknowledge your challenge. While this is obviously a simple statement, sometimes simply acknowledging that “life isn’t perfect” can be helpful. You are facing unique, unexpected challenges. Face them. Talk about them. Acknowledge that this isn’t what you signed up for, but it is what you’re facing—you and thousands of other grandparents.

Second, get support. More and more groups are forming to offer support for grandparents raising their grandchildren. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels to be with others who are facing your same challenges.

Third, maintain healthy boundaries. Just because your daughter and ex-son-in-law struggle with boundaries doesn’t mean you have to. The fact that their lives are chaotic means your must be especially stable. You must find ways to not get caught up in their difficulties. Even if tempted, or manipulated, hold firm to your boundaries.

Fourth, create stability for yourself and the children. Part and parcel of healthy boundaries means creating stability for you and the children. Live your life and invite your daughter to be part of it, along with your grandchildren. Enjoy and celebrate your grandchildren, remembering the powerful impact you are having on their welfare.

Fifth, hold your family in prayer. Each precious member of your family needs God’s protection and grace. We must always guard against believing we are, or must be, the complete answer to others’ problems. God is in control.

Finally, maintain a life separate from your grandchildren. While your daughter and grandchildren need you desperately, you must maintain a life separate from them. Be sure to keep time for your marriage as well as personal time. It is out of your health and wellness that you can effectively give to others.

I would like to hear from others who are raising, or caring for their grandchildren, or have experienced “boomerang” children. What helps and what hurts? Share your experiences with others.

Getting Hooked on Story-Starters

2011-07-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

Every marriage has its ups and downs. That is to be expected. Some marriages, however, seem to have more than normal. Some relationships seem to have more times of crisis than peace and harmony. Why is there such tension, you wonder?

During the worst of times the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. You walk on eggshells, hoping not to make him/ her angry. You hope and pray for the best, wishing whatever has possessed your mate will disappear and you can have your mate back. All you want is a normal marriage. Is that too much to expect?

One of the primary reasons for conflict is story-starters—provocative statements of blame and criticism that start arguments. During difficult times, your mate blames you and you blame them. You “bite” on their angry attacks. You slip into non-productive conversations, wondering what happened. You feel like you’re going crazy because you can’t figure out exactly what’s going on. Are you really as bad as they make you out to be? Are you really the reason they threaten to leave?

As you survey the past, using a fine-toothed comb, you find times when you could have handled things differently. You’re certainly guilty of some wrong-doing. You’ve taken responsibility and apologized, but your apologies go unaccepted. What else can you do? End the story-starters!

Ending your part in story-starting is a powerful tool, useful whether you are getting along fabulously or fighting like cats and dogs. I owe this concept to a client who is hoping his mate won’t leave, following months of threats to do so. He has become an expert at side-stepping story-starters.

Let’s imagine a possible scene from a man and wife, where she has moved out, but they have occasional contact. She feels angry about a bill he sent to her. It goes like this:

Wife: “I got the bill you sent me. Why did you send it to me? It’s your bill. You know I can’t afford this payment.”

Husband: “I sent it to you because you agreed to pay that bill. Don’t you remember?”

Wife: “I didn’t agree to pay it. Here you go again. This is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy. You’ve done this to me the whole twenty years we’ve been married.”

Feeling defensive and confused as to how to respond, the husband over-reacts.

Husband: “C’mon. The whole twenty years? We never fought about money the whole twenty years we’ve been married.”

Wife: “What about right before we separated? You tried to talk me into paying more than I could afford on the bills. How about five years ago when we had to file for bankruptcy? What about two years ago? It’s a pattern you don’t want to see.”

Husband: “Look, I don’t really want to fight about all this.”

Wife: “Right. And that’s why you sent me the bill, huh?”

And so it goes. One person launches a “story-starter,” and the other reacts defensively, and the fight is on. One person launches a provocative attack catching the unsuspecting partner unaware, and reacting, the fight is on.

Let’s look at this interaction critically.

The husband in this case feels hurt and resentful about his wife moving out. The wife is tired of fighting as well, but can’t contain the resentment she feels for him, allowing it to leak out at any and every opportunity, keeping him spinning in confusion and frustration. She feels hurt and upset about a bill being sent to her, but instead of sharing her feelings in a reasonable manner, she launches a story-starter. Neither make progress at containing their emotion or conflict. Both react to story-starters. Both get “hooked” by the other’s barbs and provocations, taking them further and further from the peace and harmony they once knew.

Here is another example of a story-starter from a man struggling with the separation from his wife.

Dear Dr. David. I'm a lost soul. My wife of 19 years recently explained to me she has fallen in love with a family friend. We are now in the process of divorce. I never dreamed this would ever happen to me. I trusted in the promise to love for better or worse but now I must accept the reality that my wife doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on as she has moved in with her new man and our children. I'm supposed to just go on for the good of the children.

I've tried to do this but I miss my wife. When my wife talks to me, I know I react to things she says. She says things angrily and then I respond with the same tone, only adding to our tension. I am so filled with hurt and anger, and she seems so spiteful to me. I can’t stand the way she treats me, and it hurts to see her with this other man. We are both Christians. Should I just quietly move on, or should I call her out about what is right and wrong? When I tell her what she is doing is wrong, she gets even angrier with me. What should I do?

--Hurt and Confused

What you can do, which can be very powerful, is to not get hooked by any story-starters—which are provocative statements tempting you to react in a negative manner. Story-starters are usually critical in nature, and our natural tendency is to counter-react, or offer a defensive response. This kind of reacting will not work! It is like adding gasoline to a fire—only further damage will be done.

You must anticipate story-starters, be prepared for them and be able to respond in a healthy manner. This, of course, is easier said than done. But, you must learn how to do it. A few guidelines may help:

1. When she criticizes or attacks you, take a moment before you respond. Never react impulsively. Watch for her attacks, imagining them flying over your head.

2. Never defend yourself. Empathize with her feelings, but don’t launch into your defense. This won’t help. Don’t go down those rabbit trails.

3. Never counter-attack, which is simply another form of defense. You are responsible for your behavior, and she is responsible for hers.

4. Stick with the main issue. Focusing on one issue at a time, stick with the solution, not the problem. Attempt to guide the conversation toward the here and now, and what can be done about the problem.

5. Set boundaries with her. Don’t allow her to vent her feelings on you. Share with her that you want to stick to issues, and seek solutions. If unable to do so without eruptions, let her know you cannot work on these problems without professional help.

6. Don’t criticize her unless she invites you to offer your opinion. Yes, this is nearly impossible to do given the circumstances. But let’s face it. Unless she is receptive to hearing your feelings and thoughts, what you say will be perceived as an attack and will only increase the distance between you.

7. Seek support. Find a helpful friend, pastor or therapist with whom you can vent and explore your feelings. Your wife is no longer the person with whom you can share your feelings.

Story-starters! Nothing can send a normal conversation spiraling out of control faster than provocative, angry statements. You can learn to anticipate, manage and reverse the negative effects of these critical barbs. And yes, one person can change the direction of a conversation.

Let us know how you’ve effectively managed story-starters.

I Don’t Like My Spouse’s Friends

2011-07-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

You have many choices in life: you can choose where you live, where you work, the church you attend, what you eat and what you watch on television. But, you can’t choose your mate’s friends—as much as you might like to do so.

For as much as your mate’s friends impact you, it might be nice to have some say in whom your mate chooses for their friends. But, this is rarely the case. Your mate comes with a family history—and you have no choice about that. They also come with a set of friends—and you have no choice about that either.

What can a person do if they love their mate, but don’t like their mate’s friends? What can you do if you resent the impact your mate’s friends have upon your mate? This was the problem presented to me recently.

Dear Dr. David. I have been dating my boyfriend for the past two years, and we have a fantastic relationship. We enjoy the same activities, share the same values and goals in life, and have a common faith. But, there is one problem we fight about again and again—his friends.

For the life of me, I can’t understand what my boyfriend sees in his friends. They are rougher than he is, tend to be coarse in their language, and don’t have the same goals and values my boyfriend and I have. When I point this out to him, he gets angry. When I show him the negative impact they are having on his life, he gets defensive. This one area of our lives has become the stumbling block to us getting married.

I love my boyfriend very much and like everything about his life, except for his old friends. When I think about our future together, I can’t imagine his friends being a part of it. When he thinks of our future together, he can’t think of it without his friends. There seems to be no point of compromise. Can you help us sort this out?

--Worried About our Future

Dear Worried. Your letter illustrates an old truth—when we share our lives with someone, we become involved with an entire family, not just a person. As I share in my book, Are You Really Ready for Love?, when dating we don’t just get involved with a person in isolation, but become involved with their past, present and of course, their future.

Several issues jump out at me about your note, worthy of consideration.

First, is it possible you’re making too big of a deal about his friends. Look inside yourself for possible problems before looking at him. For example, do you need to ask for more time from him? Are you not getting the attention you’d like? Discern exactly what is missing for you and then ask for change in the relationship, as opposed to asking him to give up his friends.

Second, you say you have the same values and goals, and yet if you don’t care for your boyfriend’s friends, perhaps there are some areas you’re overlooking. If, indeed your boyfriend has questionable friends, is there something about your boyfriend you’re overlooking? Is it possible he has some of the same character traits as his friends, and you’ve ignored them? If so, step back and take a longer look. Make sure there aren’t some traits in your boyfriend you need to attend to.

Third, criticizing your boyfriend’s friends is never acceptable. You can’t expect your boyfriend to hear your concerns if you approach him in a critical way. These people have been his friends for a long time, and criticizing them will only make your boyfriend defensive.

Fourth, try making friends with his friends. It is unclear from your note as to whether you’ve tried to include his friends in your life. If you haven’t, you’re really painting yourself into a corner. Trying to separate him from his friends will leave you the odd one out. Also, remember, they may be as unsure about you as you are about them. Be inclusive, seeking to discover what he appreciates about his friends.

Finally, step back, take a breath, and talk in a rational way about your concerns. Share your honest feelings, being specific about your concerns. If you’re afraid your boyfriend will act out in certain ways, ask for reassurance that he won’t do so. If you’re afraid he’ll treat you in hurtful ways, share your need for reassurance about that. Seek points of agreement and resolution rather than points of difference. Find ways to allow him his point of view while honoring yours in return.

If you’ve experienced a similar problem, we’d like to hear from you. How did you resolve the problem? What works and what doesn’t work?

The Chaos Must Stop!

2011-07-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Stability. Stability is absolutely mandatory for a child to grow into a healthy adult, and necessary for us as adults to be able to continue to grow and be happy and healthy.

We were not made to thrive in chaos, and yet many seem to think their marriage can survive with chaos in their relationship. It’s not going to happen.

Consider the impact of chaos in marriage:

· Chaos creates unpredictability.

· Chaos creates anxiety.

· Chaos creates distrust.

· Chaos creates uncertainty.

· Chaos creates suspicion.

Now, let’s take things a step further. Let’s consider what chaos in marriage doesn’t create:

· Chaos doesn’t create an environment where we learn to trust our mate.

· Chaos doesn’t create an environment where we feel safe.

· Chaos doesn’t create a relationship where we safely share our feelings.

· Chaos doesn’t create a space for us to reflect on our lives.

· Chaos doesn’t create a place for us to nurture ourselves and our mate.

Can you see the immense importance of creating safety and stability in your marriage? Without it you’re likely to feel intense anxiety, uncertainty and confusion. Because you feel trapped in a “fight or flight” response, you cannot focus on growing personally and as a couple.

Let’s reflect on this recent email from a man who struggles with instability and guilt that his chaotic lifestyle has on his marriage.

Dear Dr. David. Do you believe that faith can be enough to save a marriage? I am struggling to save my marriage of thirty years, and things have been getting worse all the time. We have gone to a couple of counseling sessions together, but she does not want to go any more. She says that the ball is in my court. She said to me that if is wasn't for her faith she would be gone.

I have been a liar for a long time and she doesn't trust me any more. I know that it will take a very long time to get this trust back, if ever. In the past 2 years we have been separated twice, once for 6 weeks where when we talk she forgave me and said we will start new, but then a few months in a couple of lies came out and it started all over again.

The second time was for 6 months and she is not forgetting this time. She doesn't really want to let go of the past right now or doesn't really want it to be anything like the past again. I sort of pushed her into letting me back because I miss my family. I have since got into an AA program but have been sober for 20 years. I have not really been working the program, and have been in a ‘dry drunk.’ Now I’m working the program. I go back to my first question—do you think our faith will keep us trying?

As we read this man’s story, it is clear he is hoping their faith will be enough to keep them together. Is our faith ever enough to keep our marriage strong, or is the issue a deeper one?

There are several issues that jump out at me.

One, our belief in God must go beyond an intellectual one and into one that transforms our lives. The Apostle James says this:

“What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?...So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.” (James 2: 14, 17)

These are strong words—they challenge us to apply scriptural principles into our daily lives. This man must put feet to his faith.

Second, he admits to being a chronic liar and a ‘dry drunk.’ Deception has no place in a relationship and will only serve to create chaos—we know the impact chaos has on a relationship. Being a ‘dry drunk,’ one who is not changing the character patterns accompanying addiction, brings further chaos to a relationship.

As I note in my book Breaking Everyday Addictions, chronic dysfunctional behaviors are difficult to change. They change only by complete faith and intense actions. A little change is not enough, and a little effort—a few counseling sessions—aren’t likely to put a dent in chronic patterns of dysfunctionality.

Finally, we cannot blame his wife for wanting to see change in him before she returns to counseling. Undoubtedly feeling disappointed and discouraged, she has pulled back and is waiting to see what he will do with his life. The ball really is in his court—let’s see what he does with it. Change is possible, but it requires action! Perhaps if he really works his recovery program and participates in ongoing counseling, she will again invest herself in their marriage.

I would love to hear your reaction to this situation and my counsel. Please give us your thoughts.

Stop Criticizing!

2011-07-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

“You never listen to what I say,” Kari said forcefully to her husband, Derrick, during a recent counseling session.

“I can’t do anything right,” Derrick quickly lamented, following her critical comment. “Everything I do is wrong. I’m sick of it. If I’m not the man she wants, why doesn’t she just get rid of me?”

Kari, his wife of fifteen years, rolled her eyes as Derrick complained of her treatment of him. After a moment, she decided to respond.

“First of all, Derrick, everything you do isn’t wrong, and I wish you’d stop saying that. But there are a lot of things I would like different in our marriage. How can I tell you without you slipping into this ‘poor me’ attitude.”

Derrick, of course bristled at her final comment, which only served to reinforce how critical she had been. Before I could comment, Derrick jumped back into the fray.

“Did you hear what you just said? How do you think it feels to be called ‘poor me’ and scolded the way you do? I don’t like it. I’m not sure how you can tell me what you need to say, but you’ve got to find a new way.”

“Hold it, folks,” I said. “Let’s slow things down and look closely at how you talk to each other. I’m sure we can figure out what you’re each doing that sets the sparks going. Are you game?”

A quick review of Kari and Derrick’s interaction reveals some painful mistakes most of us make on a regular basis, leaving us to wonder why our mate reacts defensively. Consider their interaction.

First, he reacts. Without hardly taking a breath, he reacts rather than taking a moment to respond. He says the first thing that comes to his mind, beginning an avalanche of negativity.

What could he have done differently? He could have taken a moment to digest what his wife was saying, considering how he wanted to respond.

Second, he slips into ‘awfulizing.’ He complains about never being to do anything right, which hooks Kari. Rarely are we accused of never being able to do anything right, and to accuse our mate of those actions will surely get a rise out of them. The fight will be on.

What could Derrick have done differently? He could have spoke from his most vulnerable self, declaring his feelings—“I feel discouraged. I feel deflated, like I’m trying to please you and little I can do seems to help. Can you help me understand what I could do that might make more of a difference?”

Second, she did take the bait, launching into a ready defense. The fight is on as she defends herself. Her defense leads to another barrage of criticism, leading to a counter-reaction on his part. Had I not been there to stop the escalation, it is likely there would have been an all-out battle.

What might she have done differently? She could have taken things slow, listened for his frustration, and then commented on it. While difficult to do, she could have said, “Derrick, I’m sorry you’re feeling discouraged. That certainly isn’t my intent. I want to work together to solve our problems.”

Third, both could have caught themselves and chosen to stop the criticism. Both could have watched their tongues, guarding against saying anything that might escalate their fight. They could have chosen to never say anything that might be a global criticism, seeking to remain focused and solving problems.

Derrick and Kari are like you and me. They want admiration and acceptance, not criticism and shame. They want to feel safe from put downs, moving closer to each other rather than away. Sadly, in many relationships where criticism, sarcasm and labeling are rampant, couples slip easily into loveless marriages. It doesn’t take long to see your mate as unsafe, over-reacting to little comments that have a bite to them.

What is the answer? Consider the counsel of Solomon:

“He who loves a pure heart and who speech is gracious will have the king for a friend.” (Proverbs 22: 11)

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” (Proverbs 12: 16)

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16: 8)

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (Proverbs 10: 19)

Clearly our way out of difficult encounters is first to be aware of what we are saying and doing. We must slow down the process so we can be aware Criticism, in any form, at any time, is loaded with the possibility of an explosion. It is far better to frame what you need in positive terms rather than blunt criticism.

When Your Mate is Unfaithful

2011-07-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

“I can’t believe what he’s done to me,” Susan said during a recent counseling session, tears streaming down her face. Dressed in jeans and sweatshirt, she spoke angrily about being unable to go to work because of being so upset.

“I could never even consider doing what he’s done. I think it’s despicable.”

Susan appeared tired, older than her thirty years. She admitted she hadn’t been sleeping the past several nights since learning her husband of ten years had an affair.

Susan’s husband Bryan, sat stoically in front of us. While he admitted having the affair, and voiced being sorry for what he had done, he seemed detached and distant.

“I’m sorry for what I did,” Bryan said. “But, there’s more to the story. I know I’m the bad guy, but we need to talk about everything.”

“Okay,” I said. “What else do you want to say?”

“We’ve had problems in our marriage for years. Both of us have been unhappy. I’m not offering any excuses for what I did. It was wrong, and I know I’ve hurt Susan badly. But, I’ve been hurt badly in other ways.”

“This is impossible for me to hear,” Susan said angrily. “How can he possibly justify his actions? There is absolutely no justification for having an affair. None.”

“I’m not giving an excuse,” Bryan said, still showing little emotion. I just want to have an opportunity to talk about my pain as well. There are deeper issues.”

“I wonder if this isn’t the time for that,” I said. “I don’t doubt that you two have complicated lives, with a complicated story. But, I think right now we need to deal with one issue at a time. The first issue to deal with is Susan’s pain and how you both can recover from this. Then we can move on to the deeper issues leading up to this affair.”

“I can do that,” Bryan said cautiously. “But I want to make sure I get my chance to talk. I’ve never felt like I could talk about what bothers me in this marriage—and that has something to do with what I did.”

Bryan and Susan are evidence that marriage issues are rarely simple, one-sided issues. While we might quickly come to Susan’s defense because of Bryan’s egregious actions, we’d be making a mistake of failing to look deeper at other contributing factors. While we certainly want to empathize with Susan’s pain, and hold Bryan accountable for his actions, we dare not get caught up in one person being the victim and the other being the villain. This won’t help us unravel the complexities of their problems.

How might we approach Bryan’s recent affair, the damage it has done to Susan, while also attending to his argument that there are “deeper issues.”

Let’s consider the path out of their current problems and to deeper healing. What is Bryan’s task and what must Susan do to assist with the healing?

First, neither person is villain or victim. Such a point of view will not help them to heal. Both must be open to seeing the larger picture. Both must be open to seeing how they have injured the other, and assist the other with healing.

Second, each must take responsible for how they’ve wounded the other. Bryan, of course, had the affair. He broke the sacred boundaries of his marriage and has caused incredible harm. He must take responsibility for that, setting aside any justifications, rationalizations or defenses. He must attend to Susan and empathize with her pain. Then he must embark on a path of ensuring that this can never happen again.

Susan must listen for how she has hurt Bryan. This cannot happen immediately as she is caught up in her own pain. But, at some point, Bryan must have his day of talking about his wounds. Has he been rejected in the past? If so, Susan must own her part in wounding him. Then, she must set on a course of empathizing with his pain, taking full responsibility for her actions.

Third, both must see the other as wounded and needing healing. Both are in an excellent position to assist the other in healing. This requires setting their own issues aside and fully attending to the other. This isn’t easy when caught up in their own pain—but it is necessary.

Fourth, both must look for the deeper issues in their marriage. This catastrophe is an opportunity to explore other problems they have that has given rise to this problem. Again, there is no justification for an affair—however, there are reasons that must be understood if they want to ensure it never happens again.

Has communication broken down? Are there resentments that have gone unexpressed? Are they too busy to meet each other’s needs? Are the boundaries—hedges of protection—weak or ineffective? These are just a few possibilities of what might be happening below the surface.

Finally, both must agree on boundaries to ensure the sanctity of their marriage for the future. Boundaries create safety, and Bryan and Susan must reinforce their weakened boundaries, creating renewed safety. They must make agreements to fiercely guard the integrity of their marriage.

Infidelity is sadly a common issue in our society. This horrific violation of marriage vows cuts deeply, and recovery takes a long time. Trust can, however, be restored.

Please write and let our readers know how you’ve overcome unfaithfulness. What steps helped you heal?

When Over-Responsible Meets Under-Responsible

2011-07-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

Jackie walked into the house after a long day working as a teller at the local bank. In addition to her responsibilities at the bank, she has three young children and a home to tend to.

Jackie always wanted to be a mother, and has delighted in her young family. She has never regretted having three children—until recently, when it seems like she is raising four children instead of three.

“Why do I have to be the one to notice what needs doing around the house?” Jackie said in a recent counseling session, motioning to her husband, Michael. “I work full time, and you work full time, but it seems like I have to do ninety percent of the household chores.”

A pleasant man with the short stubble of a goatee, Michael winced at hearing Jackie’s words. He took a moment before responding.

“You’re always nagging and I hate it,” he answered sharply. “Just because I don’t do things on your time schedule, doesn’t mean I don’t get the job done. Maybe my standards aren’t as high as yours.”

“Exactly!” Jackie said, raising her arms in disgust. “I’m exhausted. It sure doesn’t feel like we’re in this thing together. You wanted three kids just like me. You wanted a home just like me. But, when I get home you’re either playing on your X Box or watching television, with dishes in the sink and jelly on the countertops. I can’t live like this.”

Michael sat quietly, staring at his wife.

“This is what happens at home,” Jackie said sadly. “I know I rant and rave, and he doesn’t talk to me. I can’t keep my anger in any more. I want a husband, a partner, not another child to raise.”

Jackie’s words were brutal, undoubtedly hurting Michael, creating even more distance. Like many other couples, they are caught in a vicious cycle: she attacks, he withdraws. She shifts into a parental role, gets angry by ranting and raving, he settles into a child role, getting mad by withdrawing into silence or muttering obscenities. Both are very frustrated, and if the pattern doesn’t change, their marriage will be in even more trouble than it’s already in.

Let’s consider the path out of this destructive cycle.

One, understand that neither partner is happy with this arrangement. While it is tempting to see one as the victim and the other as the villain, neither party is happy. Both must see the destructiveness of their pattern—hers with ranting, raving and being over-responsible, his with muttering and withdrawing into passive-aggressive silence.

Two, both must renegotiate their roles. Clearly she cannot continue being over-responsible, and he cannot continue shirking his duties by being under-responsible. They must calm down, listen to one another, and renegotiate their roles. They must become creative, finding ways to agree on how they choose to run the family together.

Third, after agreeing to their assigned roles, both must agree to give up their unhealthy styles—hers of ranting and raving while continuing to do the lions share of chores, and his of angrily withdrawing and avoiding being responsible.

Fourth, agree that both must stick to their agreements. An agreement is a sacred trust and failure to keep an agreement should be dealt with seriously. Agreements are boundaries that create predictability and structure for a family and its members.

Finally, failure to live by the agreement, and boundaries, must have consequences. Boundaries and consequences are part of everyday life, and must be part of marriage. For example, if she rants and raves, she must wash and wax his car. If he fails to do his agreed upon responsibilities, or withdraws in silence, he must take her out for a fancy dinner.

An unbalanced marriage can create havoc in a marriage. An unbalanced marriage is irresponsible, and in fact is against God’s economy—“each person should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6: 5) Balance of responsibility must be restored, as well as talking in an “adult to adult” manner. No one wants to “parent” their mate, and no one wants to be “parented.” Agree today to give up these immature styles of relating and let us know how it works for you.

The Five CrazyMakers

2011-07-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Gauging from the overwhelming response I’ve gotten from this past series, taken from my book Dealing With The CrazyMakers in Your Life, many of you are wondering about the health of your relationships, and whether you are enmeshed in a destructive relationship and perhaps how you may be contributing to the chaos yourself.

This is a messy and complicated topic. There are no perfect relationships, yet those with CrazyMaking qualities are particularly challenging.

Let’s review what makes a CrazyMaker a chaos creator, asking ourselves to what extent we may have these traits. CrazyMakers:

· Are egotistical, caring primarily about themselves rather than others;

· Twist the truth to fit their point of view;

· Are unable to examine an issue from various perspectives;

· Are critical and accusatory, finding fault rather than seeking solutions;

· Justify, rationalize, deny and make excuses for their problems;

· Hide behind those thinking errors, rarely making positive changes;

· Thrive on chaos.

Healthy individuals don’t like chaos—they are seekers of peace. They want to solve problems, not cast blame and keep the crises going. CrazyMakers, on the other hand, have a high tolerance for chaos and seem able to generate craziness where none existed previously.

Most tragically, innocent people are caught in the CrazyMakers web of deception. In a recent email a woman shares how she finally broke free from an abusive relationship, but because of his power and control, he still has a negative influence on her and their child.

Dearest Doctor Hawkins,

Do these five personality characteristics culminate into creating a 'malignant narcissist'? At the end of your 'borderline' discussion you write that they have no idea what they are doing. The crazymaker in my life is all five and is incredibly calculating: it would appear that he knows exactly what he is doing and finds much delight in it.

What disturbs me most is the affect on my child. He manipulates and controls her mind, at only 8 years of age she does not have the cognitive ability to process or understand what is happening to her. He fills her head and heart with deception and hate, particularly towards God and myself. While I accept that I can not change him and realize I am only now just been 'released' from his powerful control (It has taken me 8 years to comprehend it), knowing that I have to respond rather than react to him, what about my child?

I am no longer in the relationship with him—praise God and know that no matter what I do—Jesus like or otherwise—he 'hunts' me and makes my life a misery. I feel I need to get as far away from him as I can to keep my sanity but I am trapped because of my child. What does one do? Leave the child in his care?

--Deeply Concerned

Dear Concerned. While I know it appears to you that the CrazyMaker in your life knows exactly what he is doing—and he does sound incredibly dysfunctional—I don’t believe he strives to be a CrazyMaker. Does that mean he is not manipulative? Of course not. He can be calculating, manipulative, as well as chaotic and still not be aware of how destructive he is. His behavior is “normal” to him—he knows no other way of behaving.

Is he a “malignant narcissist?” While I’ve never used that term before, his behavior sounds “malignant” and he certainly sounds narcissistic. He seems to care only about one person—himself. You do well to guard yourself and your daughter from his chaotic behavior.

This man, and every CrazyMaker, must be held accountable and responsible for their behavior. We cannot wink and allow them to continue their destructive habits. We must, as you did, learn to respond instead of react; plan ahead instead of being caught off guard, set healthy boundaries rather than allow them to bulldoze their way into our lives.

You have pried yourself free from his grasp, but ask about your innocent daughter. What can you do to protect her? First, and most important, because you’re familiar with his patterns of behavior, you can predict how he will behave. Seek ways to limit the impact his behavior has on her. If you believe he is harmful to her, which sounds quite possible, you may want to consult a professional therapist or attorney about the possibility of protecting her legally. If it can be shown that his behavior is harmful to her, legal steps can be taken to protect her.

We must all remember that CrazyMakers are able to do their CrazyMaking because we allow them that power. Let’s take the power away from them; let’s set healthier boundaries and limit their impact on our lives. Let’s protect ourselves and our innocent children. Let’s choose not to respond in like manner, always choosing to do good even in the face of troubling people.

When Marriage Counseling Fails

2011-07-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

The complaints are commonplace, but never cease to impact me. With thirty-five years of experience, and thousands of couples telling me their story, I’m still saddened when I listen to the frustrations of opportunities lost.

A couple seeking “something different” alerted me once again to an ongoing problem rarely talked about: many couples have gone to multiple counselors, feeling frustrated, discouraged and even annoyed with the experience.

“No offense, doc,” Steven said to me recently in their initial couple’s counseling session. A tall man with a graying goatee, he spoke forcefully and deliberately.

“Cynthia and I have done this before, and it didn’t help then. Why should I expect that it will help now?”

I looked over at Cynthia, a forty-year old woman, energetic, stylish, but with a hint of annoyance on her face.

“I wouldn’t say it didn’t help at all,” she said matter-of-factly. “I think we got a few skills out of it. But, it didn’t take long for us to slip right back where we are now—and we’re not doing well.”

“I want to understand this,” I said to them. “I want to know what worked and what didn’t.”

“Actually,” Steven began slowly, “we’ve seen a few different counselors over the years. None of them helped us much.”

Cynthia nodded her head.

“Maybe it’s us,” she admitted. “But, we couldn’t connect with some of the counselors. Others helped a little, but not enough. We’re not sure what the matter is. We need something different this time.”

An email echoing Steven and Cynthia’s complaints came to me recently, spurring me to look deeper into the matter.

Dear Dr. David. My wife and I have been going to counseling for six or seven weeks, and I must say I’m pretty frustrated with the whole process.. We spend fifteen minutes getting to the topic at hand, get into it, and before you know it it’s time to go. My husband and I leave in silence, don’t talk for two days, and try to hold on until our next counseling session. Anyway, the progress is painfully slow and we’re thinking about stopping. Sometimes it seems like we were doing better before counseling. Does counseling really help, or is it possible that counseling actually makes matters worse at times? We need something different.

-Discouraged

My answer is, “something different.” Let’s delve further into the matter. For the most part, my experience tells me there is not much different happening in the counseling field. My informal reflection on the subject suggested far too many couples had seen far too many counselors with far too little effective results. What was the matter? I’ve come up with a few ideas to consider which will help you as you consider marriage counseling.

First, find a counselor who is competent. Just as you would do research before going to a medical doctor, do the same due diligence when seeking marriage counseling. Not only do you want a counselor with excellent education (with at least a Master’s degree), you also want someone trained and particularly interested in marriage counseling. While most counselors say they do marriage counseling, very few receive specialized training in the field. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about their interest in the field, experience as well as specific questions as to their rate of success. Seek a marriage counselor who has a specific protocol for marriage counseling and feels confident with it.

Second, determine your counselor’s attitude toward marriage. Again, don’t be afraid to ask about their stance regarding marriage. Do they actively promote divorce? Do they actively promote marriage? What are their beliefs and how do they play out in the marriage counseling process? Some counselors are ‘neutral’ about marriage and don’t actively try to ‘save a marriage.’ Instead, if there is too much conflict in the marriage, they will encourage separation and divorce.

Third, seek a ‘strength-based’ counselor. Many counselors are trained to ‘find out what is wrong in the marriage.’ With this training and orientation, they tell you everything they see that is wrong with your marriage. Of course this only serves to make matters worse if this counsel is not coupled with observing and building upon the strengths in your marriage. Your counselor notes, and help you note, what you do well in your marriage. What are the ties that bind you together in a healthy way?

Fourth, seek a counselor willing to offer clear and specific guidance. If you could find your way out of your jam on your own, you wouldn’t need a counselor. Sitting with a counselor who only does reflective listening can make you feel good temporarily, but you need an ‘emotional surgeon,’ willing to make incisive comments and observations. This won’t always feel good, but you will sense you are getting to ‘the heart of the matter.’ If you don’t have a sense that you are receiving specialized, skilled, decisive direction, you’re not getting your money’s worth.

Finally, find a counselor who is available to you. While most counselors work 9-5, Monday through Friday, not all issues arise during ‘banker’s hours.’ Increasingly I find I must often schedule multiple sessions per week during the crisis phase of marriage counseling. At times I must take phone calls or answer emails to ensure the couple is staying on track with homework assignments or managing their conflicts effectively. Good marriage counselors aren’t afraid to roll up their sleeves and listen carefully to the needs of their clients, changing course as is needed and requested.

What is the bottom line? You must feel a sense of direction and traction in your counseling. If frustrated, share your frustration with your counselor. If they are unwilling to alter their course, find another counselor who will work effectively with you. You must feel satisfied and have a sense of teamwork. If you don’t, something is wrong.

What have you found helpful in marriage counseling? Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my websites MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.