Writing New Marriage History

"I feel discouraged about the future," Lynn told me, with obvious irritation. "How can I trust he will ever to change? The past has been horrible, and nothing I do seems to work."Linda sat across from me in my counseling office, feeling dejected and profoundly discouraged.

"I feel so guilty for how I feel," she continued. "I know I should be more hopeful. He's a good man, and people like him. He says he's willing to get counseling. But, we've tried that before. He doesn't change and I'm sick of it."

Lynn paused and then continued.

"Maybe I just expect too much. After all, he's a leader in the church and does lots of nice things for others."

Waiting to hear the real problem, I asked Lynn point-blank about the issue that brought her into counseling.

"He is distant emotionally and intimately," she said sadly. "It's like I've got the plague or something. I ask him what I'm doing wrong, and why he doesn't seem to want to be around me. He always tells me the same thing."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong!"

"But he still avoids you?" I asked. "Even though he says nothing is wrong, he avoids you emotionally and physically?"

"Yes," Lynn said. "And I can't tell anyone. I'm ashamed. We appear to have the perfect marriage. A couple of great kids. Active in the church. He's a nice guy and we look like the perfect couple. But, no one knows I'm dying inside."

"Let me see if I get this, Lynn," I said. "You guys put on a good show, but inside you're in a lot of pain. We're not sure what kind of pain he's in, but he avoids you, physically and emotionally. He's active in church, and probably his work, but not available to you?"

"You've got it." She began to cry.

"Am I expecting too much?" she asked through her tears. "We get a little help, and things change for a short time. Then things slip back to the way they've always been and it seems like I either have to accept that this is my life, or leave him. Neither option sounds very good to me."

Lynn's words echoed in my ears, with the thousands other times I've heard them.

I either have to accept things the way they are, or leave.

Take a moment and inspect those words very carefully. Consider the significant problem with viewing things so narrowly.

•                We're locked into two narrow options.

•                Our world becomes small, rigid, constricted.

•                As our viewpoint narrows, we loose creativity and possibility.

But how do we expand the possibilities when all we can see are the two, narrow options. Consider this positive story from a woman who has been in counseling for the past six months.

Dear Dr. David. Thank you for helping me see that I have more options than to simply accept things the way they are, praying and praying for change, or to leave. You helped me see that I could change me, and change the way I interact with my husband. While I didn't like it at the time, your counsel to "create a crisis" was good advice. Things were shaky at first, but you were right when you said deep down my husband didn't really want to lose our marriage. I finally got it that it was going to have to be me to drive the change in our marriage, but once I pushed hard for change, my husband understood that we were in trouble and agreed to participate in your Marriage Intensive. It took a crisis, however, for any change to occur. I still have to be firm about ongoing counseling as well. But, we're certainly on the right track. Thanks for nudging me out of my narrow, discouraged point of view.

                                                               --Hopeful in Seattle

This woman from Seattle understood the "paralysis of analysis"-where you turn a problem over in your mind so many times that everything becomes muddled. She knew the discouragement of praying and praying for change, but being frozen within her own inaction. Feeling betrayed by God, as well as her husband, she settled sadly into a life of disappointment-until she decided to take drastic action.

Let me share a few a strategies "Seattle" used. Consider trying them if you find yourself contemplating one extreme or the other:

1.             Don't get stuck in extreme thinking. You have more options than simply to accept things the way they are leave. There are hundreds of ways you enable things to stay the same, and understanding them-as well as changing them-will open up new possibilities;

2.             Get support. Being alone in your mind is a dangerous undertaking. Take a friend in with you. Better yet, take a friend and a respected psychologist and perhaps even your pastor. There is wisdom in the counsel of many (Proverbs 11: 14);

3.             Your history doesn't have to predict the future. You can rewrite your history by creating new history. As you form new patterns, and slowly change the way you interact with your mate, suddenly you have new history that can be very exciting;

4.             Prepare to create a crisis. Change rarely happens before a crisis of some sort. I like to say, " It takes a breakdown before there can be a breakthrough." Are you ready to really change things? Are you ready to start with changing yourself?

5.             A little change is not enough. Don't settle for a few counseling sessions. Sign up for the full deal. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist how long they think it will take. Ask what exactly needs to be changed. At The Marriage Recovery Center we offer a full analysis of relationships along with diagnosis and recommendations. Obtain a clear understanding of what it will take to get you to where you want to go.

6.             Stick with the change process. Don't give up. Don't give in. Stick with it. Be focused and firm, with clear objectives and an understanding of the path to get there.

7.             Use consequences effectively. Yes, consequences are an effective aspect of every relationship. We teach people how to treat us, and generally they get the message if they know we mean business.

8.             Catch each other doing things right. Notice progress. Pay attention to small and large efforts and appreciate them. Enjoy the progress made by your mate to improve your relationship.

You don't have to be stuck in the past. You don't have to settle for a mediocre marriage. You can be wise and use that wisdom to stop settling, create a crisis, and then institute change. Come out of hiding, get professional help, and then establish a plan to make your future become your new history filled with possibilities.

I'd love to hear from you with comments about this article. Are you struggling with marriage problems in your relationship? Please feel free to contact me for advice on Marriage Intensives or consultations on what may be needed to make significant progress in your marriage. Please share your concerns with me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, YourRelationshipDoctor.com.

Holiday Discount from the Marriage Recovery Center

To celebrate the holiday season, the Marriage Recovery Center is offering a 10% discount for Marriage or Personal Intensives booked by January 10 (actual intensive can be scheduled for after that as long as you book it before January 10).

Resolve to improve yourself and your marriage in the new year and experience the the Marriage Recovery Center advantage: results. If you have tried traditional marriage counseling sessions in the past but did not experience results, the Marriage Recovery Center can help. Call (360) 490-5446 for more information or a free, no-obligation phone consultation.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

Maintaining Emotional Sobriety

We're all familiar with alcohol sobriety, drug sobriety, sexual sobriety and even sobriety as it pertains to our eating habits. Sobriety-being sober in our approach to certain aspects of living-is not only wise, but Biblical as well.


"Be sober minded. Be watchful." (I Peter 5: 8)

In a recent conversation with a couple, I found a new application for the concept of sobriety---emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety, as I define it, applies to maintaining emotional balance. It means attending to our emotional life when we are angry, discouraged and frustrated. During these times we are likely to react and react again, creating unbalance in our relationships.

"We debated for so long, over so many days, that I could hardly see straight," Susan shared. She was referring to the conflict she had been having with her husband, Terry.

"Did you do anything to manage your emotions during those days?" I asked.

Susan looked at me incredulously.

"How do you do that? We dive into certain topics and before we know it we're in quicksand," she continued. 

"Every word he says makes me react and everything I say seems to make him react. We're two over-reactive people sinking deeper and deeper into conflict."

Terry had been sitting quietly.

"I guess this is just like alcoholism, you have to be just as responsible with your emotions," he offered.

As I talked to Terry and Susan about their relationship, I considered that emotional sobriety wasn't simply a problem for marriages, or those in dating relationships, but anyone relating to another person or even an event. I reflected about a friend of mine who struggled with emotional sobriety.

"I get so twisted with the way things go at work," Justin shared with me. "I shouldn't let policies and procedures get me out of whack, but they do."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I get so angry when policies aren't followed," he said. "I expect everone to follow the rules, and when they don't, I get mad. So, you can imagine working for the company I do, I get mad a lot. Drives me crazy."

"You can't let it go?" I asked.

"Wish it was that simple," he said. "My emotions seem to rule me rather than me ruling them. I'm practicing trying to keep things in perspective, but that's easier said than done."

Emotional reactivity. Rollercoaster emotions. Getting bent out of shape by things we have little control over. These are all symptoms of emotional imbalance and the need for emotional sobriety. What are some things we can remember in using our emotions the way God intended them to be used.

First, learn about your emotions. Emotions are e-motions, "energy in motion," and as such can be used for constructive purposes or be boundless energy that is quite destructive. First you must be aware of your emotional makeup. Do you become easily irritated? Are you prone to discouragement? Do you have patterns of emotional reacting that are harmful to you and your relationships? You must become familiar with these patterns before you can change them.

Second, monitor your emotions. Because most of us tend to be reactive, we seldom watch our emotional reactions. We're caught up in whatever is taking place externally, failing to monitor/ keep watch over our emotions. Journaling is one of the best methods I know to keep track not only of our daily moods and emotions, but patterns and trends in our emotional makeup.

Third, embrace emotional sobriety. Take responsibility in not allowing your emotions to rule your reactions. I've noted that it takes far less time to feel than it does to think, but it is critical we consider every situation, using our God-given wisdom to rule our behavior. If you've had problems with anger or emotional volatility, vigorously pursue emotional balance.

Fourth, make amends quickly for emotionally reactivity. Making quick apologies for any emotional reactivity will assist you not only in taking responsibility for it, but recognizing the impact emotional reactivity has on those around you. Your apology will also make necessary repairs for damage you've caused.

Finally, slow things down, at work, in your relationships, and in every aspect of your life. Give yourself every opportunity to keep things in perspective by taking time to think about what you want to say and how you want to act. Don't allow yourself to become emotionally reactive.

Scripture repeatedly warns us about behavior that is ungodly. We are warned about excessive anger, encouraged to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1: 19) Leaders in the church were encouraged to be sober-minded. I'm sure this included the way they dealt with their emotions as well as their behavior. Being sober-minded in how we deal with our emotions will help us in our relationships as well.

We'd love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com.You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Meeting His/Her Point of Need

The email call header read like many others I routinely receive.

"Help! Marriage Trouble!"

I opened the message and read exactly what I had anticipated. Donald, a man apparently in his late thirties and married fifteen years, had been told earlier that day that his wife wanted a separation. He asked if I would call immediately.

As I read on, it was clear that Donald was panicking. He asked if I would be able to talk to him that afternoon and if he and his wife, Teresa, could fly out to Seattle to work with me. He made it clear that his wife had not agreed to coming to Seattle, but if I were willing, he was going to try to persuade her to come to The Marriage Recovery Center that weekend.

I arranged to talk to Donald later that afternoon.

"Dr. Hawkins," he began anxiously. "I need your help and I need it now! My wife is asking for a separation and we've got to do something. If I can talk her into it, would you be willing to see us right away?"

"Okay, Donald," I said. "Let's slow down and talk about what is going on. I don't want you to talk her into anything. What I can do is help you sort out what is happening, some reasons why it is happening, and the next best step."

"That would be great," he said, sounding a bit relieved.

He immediately launched into a tirade about his wife and the struggles he had been having with her. He blamed her for not being committed to their marriage, for threatening to break their vows, and for being difficult to live with. I listened carefully for a few minutes and then interrupted him.

"Donald," I said. "You've shared a lot about how you feel like you're getting a raw deal. You are clearly angry with your wife for threatening to separate from you. You've even shared about how you feel wronged by your wife. But, you haven't shared what your part in the problems are, or what she needs from you."

He paused, seemingly taken aback by my observation.

"Well," he said slowly. "I know it's not all her, and I'm open to hearing my part in the problems. But, she............."

"Donald," I said, interrupting him. "You're starting to talk about her again. I want to hear what your part of the problems are and why she is feeling so desperate she's thinking about leaving you."

He again paused, taking a few moments to think.

"Let me ask things a bit differently," I said. "Teresa is thinking about leaving you. I'm not suggesting you are entirely to blame. In fact, I don't think about these issues in terms of who is to blame. But, I want to know about her point of need. What does she need that she is not getting?"

"I don't know if I know that," he said.

"You have to know that," I said. "If you don't know it, you can't fix anything. And if you don't fix anything, you can't save your marriage. So, you've got some work to do."

"I guess I do," he said sheepishly. "I just know that she says she is unhappy, and I took that to mean she was having some kind of crisis."

"There is no question she is having a crisis," I said. "And it undoubtedly is not all about you. But, I'd be willing to bet a lot of it is about you and if we can figure out what she needs, you have a chance to save your marriage."

"Makes sense," he said. "Where do we start?"

"I have several things I want you to think about," I said. "I'm going to send you to school and then we'll set out to make some changes. After that we'll see if she's willing to talk to me to give us even more information. We'll have plenty to work on."

With that I asked Donald to consider a number of things, which I ask of anyone who seeks assistance from me when their marriage is in crisis. Consider these steps of action.

First, write out a history of your marriage. Problems don't arise out of nowhere, and with some reflection and wisdom you can determine the nature of your problems. When did they begin? What is your part in the problems? What attempts have you made to remedy the problems, such as professional counseling or talking to your pastor?

Second, what are her (or his) complaints? Much can be learned from simply listening to our mate. Most often I discover that the complaints leading to a crisis have existed for some time. Many attempt to deny the severity of the problem until it reaches a crisis. As you look back, list the complaints and seek to understand them.

Third, what is the validity of the complaints? Again, more often than not there is at least some truth to the complaints. While we are often reluctant to 'own' the complaints, being candid about the complaints is the first step toward solving them.

Fourth, consider your mate's point of need. What does she (or he) need right now? Using her complaints as a starting point, consider what your mate needs right now. This can be a bit tricky, because what they need may be something we don't want to give, such as space. Reeling from an emotional crisis themselves, they may want you to allow them some space to consider how they feel about you and the marriage. They may want you to show acts of kindness you have not done for some time. They may want you to receive professional assistance for a problem, such as anger or an addiction you have previously ignored.

Fifth, make a plan of action. Give her (or him) exactly what they need. Give them the space they need to reflect and consider what they need. Get professional help to learn more about your blind spots and character issues. Show your mate that you are serious in addressing your part of the marriage problems.

Sixth, get support, focus on changing yourself and pray about your situation. While facing this immense crisis, you must maintain perspective. That perspective includes the fact that you can only work on yourself, can only change yourself and require support to navigate the troubled waters that lay ahead. You need faith in God more than ever, and your actions need to be bathed in prayer.

Finally, be patient as you employ 'corrective emotional experiences.' Understand that even small changes can have powerfully positive repercussions. You don't need to change your entire personality, but you do need to recognize that every interaction has the power to change your mate's opinion about you. Be patient, don't push and allow things to unfold. Change, over time, will be recognized.

Meeting your mate's point of need can be a powerful antidote to a challenging problem. Stay focused and let us know how you're doing. We'd love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com.You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.