Facing Our (De)Faults

My computer is magical. When I turn it off at night it remembers all of my settings, and every morning when I wake it up it looks just the way I left it the night before. How does it do that?

I’m told by my tech-savvy friends that computers have “defaults” built into them that if left alone, will make my computer function with little input from me. I can change those “defaults,” but if left alone can expect them to run with little maintenance.

Our brains function much the same way. I wake up every day with my brain functioning pretty much the way I have programmed it to run. I tend to think the same thoughts, act the same way, do the same things the way I’ve always done that.

Now, hopefully you can see the problem. These “defaults,” or “de-Faults,” can cause havoc in our lives. These “de-Faults,” become faults that replay again and again. Unless we experience a profound intervention, spiritually and emotionally, we will do what we’ve always done, expecting different results. Unless we methodically work on changing the way we think, we’ll end up thinking the same thoughts again and again. We’ll have the same attitudes, beliefs, and mind-sets.

Now that’s not all bad news, unless of course, your mind-set is a bit twisted. If, through trauma, stress, troubling experiences and addictions, you’ve developed some dysfunctional ways of viewing and navigating through your world, you may need to have your personal computer—your brain—reprogrammed. Those de-Faults can be powerfully destructive!

I just finished a conversation with a very angry man, set upon blaming his wife for everything that had gone wrong in their marriage. Separated and facing divorce, he felt threatened and out of control.

“I’m just so mad,” Dale shouted. “Why does she act the way she does? She won’t take responsibility for anything.”

“You know Dale,” I said softly. “I can see that beneath your anger is a lot of pain.”

With that he grabbed his head, hitting his hands on the chair. He was frightened and hurt that his wife, Lisa had left him. He feared divorce.

“Being angry won’t help you,” I continued. “Blaming her for blaming you isn’t going to get us much ground. Sharing your sadness with her might.”

“She won’t listen to me,” he said, his eyes moist with tears. “She has her mind made up. She wants out so she can be free. Everything has to be her way. She…”

“Maybe it does for a while,” I interrupted. “But the way you’re viewing things now isn’t helping you. We have to look at your “default” method of functioning, and see how that is contributing to the problem. Then we need to look at her “default” way of functioning. I call them our “de-Faults,” because they are faulty ways of interacting that create chaos in our lives.”

“Oh, we do things the same way,” he stammered. “No question about that. Same dance, different day.”

“Yeah,” I responded. “Join the human race. Now, let’s get down to business. Let’s play a different song, so you can do a different dance with her. Okay?”

“I’ll do my part, Doc!” he said.

With that Dale and I laid out a plan for changing his de-Faults so that his interactions with his wife would change. Here is our plan.

First, know your patterns of behavior. We cannot change anything we don’t fully understand. Just like we can’t change the way our computer looks or acts without going into the “default settings,” we must do the same with our thoughts and actions. We must step back, reflect and consider how we naturally think and behave. If you have any doubts or don’t fully understand how you “naturally” behave, ask someone close to you, willing to tell you the truth.

Second, consider the impact of what you do. After fully understanding your natural tendencies—your de-Faults—consider the impact these attitudes and behaviors have upon you and others. Consider the ripple effect. List some of the ways these behaviors affect you. What is the most detrimental behavior you repeat over and over again?

Third, develop a strategy for changing your behavior. Scripture tells us that we must “renew our minds” if we don’t want to be conformed to this world and our old ways of behaving. (Romans 12: 2) We cannot simply wish our minds to change—we must change them! Reading Scripture and other good literature, listening to uplifting music, limiting our intake of television, are all ways to change our mind.

Fourth, develop a clear, healthy mind-set and behavior change goal. Scripture tells us the Truth will set us free. Propose to tell yourself the truth, ridding yourself of lies and distortions that create chaos in your life. Scripture and wise counsel will help us know right ways of thinking and behaving. Outline a clear plan for change.

Finally, develop an accountability partner for change. Studies indicate we are more likely to stick to a behavior change goal if we talk about it, share it with others and have someone who will hold us accountable for change. They must know our precise goals, including a plan for changing attitudes as well as behaviors.

Do you have de-Faults you want to change? We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.                            

Taking Longer to Think Than to Feel

It all started innocently enough. My wife Christie, late for work and facing the chilling temperatures that have recently hit the Pacific Northwest, asked me to move my car.

“Why?” I snapped, feeling anxious, hurriedly preparing for work myself.

“Because I need to get into the garage to get some things,” she said, obviously frustrated.

“You don’t need to snap at me,” I said shortly.

“You snapped at me first,” she said.

“No I didn’t,” I said, feeling increasing irritated.

“Can you please move your car?” she said. “I don’t want to argue over this.”

“Sure,” I said. “But I still don’t like how you’re talking to me.”

“And I don’t like how you’re talking to me. But I need your car moved or I’m going to be late for work.”

Feeling angry and put out, I stomped down our snowy stairs to move my car. By now I had just begun thinking one of my own favorite rules: It takes longer to think than it does to feel, so go slowly.

What had happened? Why had this morning started so poorly? What was there to learn from this situation?

Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, up to your eyebrows in challenging feelings before your brain had even kicked into gear. Overwhelmed by troubling emotions, making comments you later regret, you don’t realize what occurred for hours. By then the damage has been done. These are examples of taking longer to think than to feel.

Yes, it’s true. Our brain reacts to a situation in a microsecond. But to fully understand what is taking place is quite another matter. I don’t know about you, but I’ve found I don’t fully appreciate a situation, and my feelings about it, for minutes, sometimes hours and occasionally days.

You can see this puts me at a distinct disadvantage when faced with an emotional threat of any kind. I can hardly say to Christie, “Slow down. I need a couple of hours to think about what is happening right now. Can you wait on the car and let me go to work, come home tonight and relax, and then I’ll give you an answer about moving your car.” This would not work. So, what are we to do?

First, understand it takes longer to think than to feel. You must have full appreciation for your feelings, understanding they need to be tempered by thought and wisdom, and this may take some time. Feelings can, and will be, overwhelming at times. You may not know what to do with them, and that’s okay.

Second, slow down the process. While you usually cannot take days to ‘think things over,’ you can take a few minutes. You can respond to the immediate situation—moving the car—while you also consider why you are having the reaction you’re having. Ask your mate for a few moments to collect your thoughts before responding. Scripture says, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14: 29)

Third, manage your behavior while taking time to understand your feelings. Since it is likely to take some time to understand what you are feeling, and why you are feeling that way, endeavor to act wisely. Guard your tongue. Notice your ‘typical’ default mode and endeavor to respond respectfully, regardless of how you feel. Scripture tells us “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.” (Proverbs 19: 11)

Fourth, do not judge your feelings. As you take time to understand them, they will make sense. Rarely can we make sense of our feelings while also trying to think. I couldn’t process why I was feeling threatened when Christie asked me to move my car. A seemingly innocuous request wasn’t landing well with me. However, I wasn’t able to think quick enough to know that I was feeling put upon when I was already anxious about my schedule. Being with my feelings has been a tough lesson to learn.

Finally, agree to talk about your feelings, and listen to your mate’s feelings, when you have time to truly attend to the other. Trying to share feelings in the heat of the moment is rarely productive. More often than not this will only lead to an escalation of feelings. Move slowly, be kind in your reaction, and agree to talk about the situation when you can think! You will be able to think more clearly when you have calmed down, have plenty of time to attend to your mate and be attended to, and can feel and think simultaneously.

Do you react suddenly to your mate, regretting words spoken impulsively? Does it take time for you to understand what you are feeling? Join the crowd. Remember, it takes longer to think than to feel, and we must respect this fact. We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.                           

The Power of “Being With” Our Mate

With all our crazy thoughts, wild dreams and zany aspirations, we want someone to “get us.” We all want to be understood. We want someone with whom we can “be at home.” This is all the more critical when we are in emotional pain—we long to not be alone.

“Kerry tries to hear me,” Carly shared with me recently during an individual counseling session, where she wanted to consider the progression of our work.

“He really wants to heal our marriage,” she continued. “He is sorry for what he’s done. But, I still don’t think he gets the seriousness of what has happened.”

I have been working with Kerry and Carly, a fortyish couple who are struggling to put their marriage back together after a time of separation. Carly simply couldn’t stay with Kerry any longer, in spite of their firm Christian faith and dedication to each other.

“I can’t stand the distance between us,” Carly shared. “I would rather be alone than with a man who is there physically, but absent emotionally. I can’t do it anymore.”

Kerry had apparently heard the threats of separation for years without taking her seriously. It took her leaving to bring the reality of their situation front and center. I have been seeing them primarily in depth marriage counseling, where I meet with them for two-three hour sessions.

While the counseling has been helpful, the work has revealed a real gap in how Kerry relates to Carly. She still spends an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to “reach Kerry,” while he remains emotionally distant, a pattern I’ve seen now in countless other couples. Sometimes it is the woman who is emotionally vacant, but more often it is the man.

After several depth counseling sessions, it became clear that Kerry desperately wanted to connect to his wife, but didn’t have the emotional language and skills to do it. He repeatedly offered her reassurances of his love for her, which was well-received, but was not able to truly “hear her.” The more frustrated she felt, the more agitated and defensive he became.

“This is the way I am,” Kerry said. “I really don’t know what she expects.” I sensed anger beneath the surface. He was being asked to give something he felt incapable of giving. She upped the ante by leaving, even threatening divorce if he didn’t work harder at learning emotional language. Out of frustration, as much as anything, he agreed to work harder in couples and individual counseling to heal the rift in their marriage.

A recent email from a man echoed similar sentiments:

Dear Dr. David. I never thought I’d be writing to someone like you, and certainly never thought I’d be making the complaints I’m making. I am married to a professional woman. I am immensely proud of her. But, the more successful she has become, the less time and interest she has in me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a needy man. But, I miss the times when my wife would sit and listen to me for hours. I miss the years when we were poor, but had plenty of time for each other. Now I’m lucky to get a few uninterrupted minutes at night when she is exhausted. I have to schedule a date with her to get any of her time. What can I do to get my wife back?

                                                                             ---Lonely

Can you hear the similar themes in both of these situations? In the first, the woman seems to have the attention of her husband, yet he still struggles to be attuned to her feelings. He seems to lack the primary ingredient in connecting—empathy. He listens, but doesn’t really “hear” what his mate is saying. Subsequently, she feels isolated and alone.

In the email from the man, we hear his loneliness, perhaps as much physical as emotional. He would gladly give up their trappings of success for the intimacy he knew years ago. Perhaps you can see your marriage in one of these situations. Here are a few ideas for both couples.

First, refine the fine art of listening. Turn off the television and computer, and give each other your undivided attention. Giving attention, and truly listening, has been said to be the cornerstone of love. Listen with an open heart, hearing what is there as opposed to what you might want to hear.

Second, listen for what is not being said. Develop the skill of drawing out your mate. Encourage them to share on a deeper level, making a connection to their heart. Help them put words to what they cannot fully put words to. This will form a most powerful connection.

Third, “be with” your mate and their pain. We all carry sorrow and loss in our hearts and yearn to have a safe place to share those feelings. Relationships in trouble have even more pain they must learn to process with each other. “Being with” your mate’s struggles will not only create a powerful bridge to them, but will be the basis from which you solve the problems that give rise to those painful feelings.

Finally, know that you have been created for intimacy—which means “into me see.” God created us for relationship—with Him and with each other. When we go into hiding---because of feeling unsafe, wounded or frightened—we cannot be the person we have been created to be. Vow to create that safe place for your mate where they can be transparent and vulnerable. As you succeed in this your relationship will thrive and prosper.

What have you done to create safety in your relationship? Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

When Marriage Counseling Fails

The complaints are commonplace, but never cease to impact me. With thirty-five years of experience, and thousands of couples telling me their story, I’m still saddened when I listen to the frustrations of opportunities lost.

A couple seeking “something different” alerted me once again to an ongoing problem rarely talked about: many couples have gone to multiple counselors, feeling frustrated, discouraged and even annoyed with the experience.

“No offense, doc,” Steven said to me recently in their initial couple’s counseling session. A tall man with a graying goatee, he spoke forcefully and deliberately.

“Cynthia and I have done this before, and it didn’t help then. Why should I expect that it will help now?” 

I looked over at Cynthia, a forty-year old woman, energetic, stylish, but with a hint of annoyance on her face.

“I wouldn’t say it didn’t help at all,” she said matter-of-factly. “I think we got a few skills out of it. But, it didn’t take long for us to slip right back where we are now—and we’re not doing well.”

“I want to understand this,” I said to them. “I want to know what worked and what didn’t.”

“Actually,” Steven began slowly, “we’ve seen a few different counselors over the years. None of them helped us much.”

Cynthia nodded her head.

“Maybe it’s us,” she admitted. “But, we couldn’t connect with some of the counselors. Others helped a little, but not enough. We’re not sure what the matter is. We need something different this time.”

An email echoing Steven and Cynthia’s complaints came to me recently, spurring me to look deeper into the matter.

Dear Dr. David. My wife and I have been going to counseling for six or seven weeks, and I must say I’m pretty frustrated with the whole process. We spend fifteen minutes getting to the topic at hand, get into it, and before you know it it’s time to go. My husband and I leave in silence, don’t talk for two days, and try to hold on until our next counseling session. Anyway, the progress is painfully slow and we’re thinking about stopping. Sometimes it seems like we were doing better before counseling. Does counseling really help, or is it possible that counseling actually makes matters worse at times? We need something different.

--Discouraged

My answer is, “something different.” Let’s delve further into the matter. For the most part, my experience tells me there is not much different happening in the counseling field. My informal reflection on the subject suggested far too many couples had seen far too many counselors with far too little effective results. What was the matter? I’ve come up with a few ideas to consider which will help you as you consider marriage counseling.

First, find a counselor who is competent. Just as you would do research before going to a medical doctor, do the same due diligence when seeking marriage counseling. Not only do you want a counselor with excellent education (with at least a Master’s degree), you also want someone trained and particularly interested in marriage counseling. While most counselors say they do marriage counseling, very few receive specialized training in the field. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about their interest in the field, experience as well as specific questions as to their rate of success. Seek a marriage counselor who has a specific protocol for marriage counseling and feels confident with it.

Second, determine your counselor’s attitude toward marriage. Again, don’t be afraid to ask about their stance regarding marriage. Do they actively promote divorce? Do they actively promote marriage? What are their beliefs and how do they play out in the marriage counseling process? Some counselors are ‘neutral’ about marriage and don’t actively try to ‘save a marriage.’ Instead, if there is too much conflict in the marriage, they will encourage separation and divorce.

Third, seek a ‘strength-based’ counselor. Many counselors are trained to ‘find out what is wrong in the marriage.’ With this training and orientation, they tell you everything they see that is wrong with your marriage. Of course this only serves to make matters worse if this counsel is not coupled with observing and building upon the strengths in your marriage. Your counselor notes, and helps you note, what you do well in your marriage. What are the ties that bind you together in a healthy way?

Fourth, seek a counselor willing to offer clear and specific guidance. If you could find your way out of your jam on your own, you wouldn’t need a counselor. Sitting with a counselor who only does reflective listening can make you feel good temporarily, but you need an ‘emotional surgeon,’ willing to make incisive comments and observations. This won’t always feel good, but you will sense you are getting to ‘the heart of the matter.’ If you don’t have a sense that you are receiving specialized, skilled, decisive direction, you’re not getting your money’s worth.

Finally, find a counselor who is available to you. While most counselors work 9-5, Monday through Friday, not all issues arise during ‘banker’s hours.’ Increasingly I find I must often schedule multiple sessions per week during the crisis phase of marriage counseling. At times I must take phone calls or answer emails to ensure the couple is staying on track with homework assignments or managing their conflicts effectively. Good marriage counselors aren’t afraid to roll up their sleeves and listen carefully to the needs of their clients, changing course as is needed and requested.

What is the bottom line? You must feel a sense of direction and traction in your counseling. If frustrated, share your frustration with your counselor. If they are unwilling to alter their course, find another counselor who will work effectively with you. You must feel satisfied and have a sense of teamwork. If you don’t, something is wrong.

What have you found helpful in marriage counseling? Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

Recovering from the Breakup, Makeup, Shakeup

Watching my clothes tumbling around in the dryer, after a good washing, reminded me of a discussion I recently had with a couple attempting to reconcile after yet another separation. It was their “fourth or fifth separation,” and they were suffering the effects of their rollercoaster relationship and subsequent emotional intensity.

“We’re weary,” John said to me, his wife Kristine sitting close to him. “We both feel beat up and can hardly think straight.”

Sadness etched in the creases of Kristine’s face.

“I love John,” she said slowly, “but this is really taking a toll on me. We fight, breakup, and then a few days later we makeup and get back together. It’s a rollercoaster.”

This was the second marriage for both Kristine and John, and they had an intense desire to make this marriage work. Yet, with patterns of fighting, distancing and then making up, they were suffering from what I describe as “emotional hangover”—where intense, ongoing feelings are experienced over a prolonged period, creating confusion and emotional overload.

“I really love Kristine,” John added. “But man, we just can’t seem to stop going at it. We have these wonderful periods of loving actions toward each other, but when we talk about her kids or my kids, or money we spend on our kids, things explode.”

“We should be able to talk about these things without explosions, though,” Kristine noted. “Why can’t we deal with things like normal people?”

“Listen folks,” I said. “Let’s look at all the pieces and see if we can find sobriety for your emotional hangover, okay?”

“Sounds good to me,” John stated firmly. “I don’t like my head spinning like this.”

I shared with John and Kristine some principles I’ve written about extensively in my book,10 Lifesavers for Every Couple. We discussed how our brains need a rest from intensity. (Note how God instituted the Sabbath as a time of rest.) Specifically, I suggested the following:

First, any “cycling” relationship means there are patterns that must be understood. You must stop doing the same things and expecting different results. Step back, reflect and be honest about what is happening in the relationship. Be willing to look at the matter as objectively as possible. While making up is enjoyable, breaking up creates a shaking up, and this takes an incredible toll over time. Pray for wisdom to understand the dysfunction you, and your mate, bring to this destructive dance.

Second, create a safe container to discuss volatile topics. Every couple has “raw spots”—topics that are emotion-laden and must be approached with care. John and Kristine mentioned two topics—children and money—that had extra emotion attached to them, where they needed to approach with caution We explored how a “safe container” meant they would manage their emotions, listen carefully to each other, and discuss these topics slowly and lovingly.

Third, value each other’s point of view. There is rarely a “right” or “wrong” way of seeing things, and healthy couples know it is important to “agree to disagree.” However, if we truly value and understand our mate’s point of view, chances are good that we will find a place of agreement.

Fourth, be gently inquisitive. Be an explorer, seeking to understand this new terrain—the mind of your mate. Ask why they see things the way they do, and seek to fully understand why they see what they see and believe what they believe. This, by the way, is very disarming and draws your mate closer to you.

Firth, seek places of agreement. Rather than taking on a win/ lose mentality, stretch yourself to find places of agreement. Look for common ground, rather than focusing on where you disagree. Shifting to the “common ground mindset” brings you together, and this brings healing.

Sixth, agree that you are both ‘normal,’ and together you must find a way to recover from these emotional hangovers. Agree you will respect the fact that you have sensitive issues, needing extra care and attention. Together, and perhaps with a trained professional, you will seek ways to talk about these loaded topics without allowing your emotions to become unmanageable.

Finally, take time out for pleasure and rest. We all need a break from emotional intensity. We must cultivate the ability to set issues aside. This goes against the grain of those who want to “hammer out issues.” Unfortunately, when we “hammer out issues” someone usually gets hurt. Don’t be afraid to set topics aside to cool things down. Take a break from it all to simply value each other and the strengths that drew you to one another in the first place.

Are you experiencing an emotional hangover? Do you sometimes feel as though your mind could fly into little bits when fighting with your mate? We’d love to hear from you. Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center and my Marriage Intensives on my website www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.