Critical Mistakes In Relationships: A Quiz

Relationship Skills Questionnaire

Mistakes are made every day in our relationships. But, there are mistakes, and there are critical mistakes. A critical mistake is a problem that occurs habitually in one of the nine critical areas discussed in our quiz. Are you making any critical mistakes that will eventually take a serious toll on your relationship? Take our quiz and find out.

1. You are in an important discussion with your mate when things get tense.

a)  You often press your point no matter how your mate responds.

b)  Things escalate into shouting and yelling as you continue trying to make your point.

c)  You both immediately take a time out and agree to talk later when emotions have settled.

d)  You walk away, stuffing the problem, hoping it will go away.

2. You know there is something difficult you must talk about with your mate.

a)  You avoid the topic, fearing it will cause tension.

b)  You bring up the problem, but minimize its importance.

c)  You wait for a good time and discuss the importance of the issue in an honest and straightforward way.

d)  You distract yourself with other things, blocking the problem out of your mind.

3. You get into an argument with your mate. 

a)  You beat around the bush, having difficulty with clear, honest communication.

b)  You find yourself talking about several things at once, forgetting the central issue.

c)  You press your point, insisting that you are “right,” and they are “wrong.”

d)  You stick to one topic at a time, saying it clearly and concisely.

4. You believe you are “right” about a certain topic.

a)  You tell your mate that they are “wrong” and you are “right.”

b)  You persist with pointing out the obvious truth, arguing facts to support your position.

c)  You let the issue go and agree to disagree.

d)  You decide that being right is far less important than being loving.

5. There’s an issue in your relationship from the past still troubling you about your mate.

a)  You bring up the issue again and again, letting them know repeatedly how troubled you are about the issue.

b)  You bring up the issue at critical times when you’re feeling hurt.

c)  You usually ignore the issue, but bring up the issue occasionally, letting old wounds fester.

d)  You share your feelings in a way that helps you work toward forgiveness and resolution of the issue.

6. You are concerned about a critical, negative tone in your relationship. Your mate would say:

a)  You are overly critical.

b)  You keep your relationship filled with encouragement and you champion their good traits.

c)  You offer encouragement occasionally.

d)  You are somewhat critical, but can also be encouraging.

7. You are angry about something in your relationship.

a)  You let your partner know exactly where you stand.

b)  When you’re upset, sometimes the only way to get your point across is to shout or use pointed language.   

c)  Even though you are angry, you’re careful not to hurt your partner while you express frustration.

d)  You believe it’s okay to yell and scream, though apologize later for your language.

8. You’re mad because you feel your mate is telling you how to live, attempting to control your language, feelings or behavior.

a)  You firmly, yet lovingly, tell them to please stop telling you how to do things.  

b)  You usually listen, occasionally erupt, but often hide your growing resentment.  

c)  You give hints that you do not like them telling you how to live.

d)  You tell them that you appreciate their concern, but the decision is ultimately your own.

9. You find yourself desiring closeness in your relationship.

a)  You bring it up to your mate, and share your desire for more intimacy.

b)  You avoid the topic and feel increasingly distant from your mate.

c)  You talk about intimacy once in a while, hoping things will change.

d)  You hide your disappointment and anger, instead sharing your feelings indirectly through sarcasm.  

Relationship Skills Questionnaire Scoring Key

Review your answers. Assign a point value for each answer to each question. Add up your total, review your scores and compare answers with your mate. Note areas of strength and areas of concern.

                                                                 Score

# 1       A (3), B (4),   C (1)    D (2)   ________

# 2       A (4), B (3),   C (1)    D (2)   ________

# 3       A (2), B (3),   C (4)    D (1)   ________

# 4       A (4), B (3),   C (2)    D (1)   ________

# 5       A (4), B (3),   C (2)    D (1)   ________

# 6       A (4), B (1),   C (2)    D (3)   ____ ___

# 7       A (2), B (3),   C (1)    D (4)   ________

# 8       A (1), B (4),   C (3)    D (2)   ________

# 9       A (1), B (3),   C (2)    D (4)   ________

TOTAL:                                         ________

Analysis from Dr. David:

1-9: You’re doing great. You are human, however, so you make mistakes, but they are not critical ones that will erode your marriage over time. Keep up the good work.

10-19: You and your mate have areas of concern, but you’re working on them. Improve the areas of concern and continue to strengthen effective relationship skills.

20-27: You are in the danger zone, and should begin to pay special attention to honestly communicating your needs, and avoiding a critical bent in the way you treat your spouse.

27-36: You and your spouse need to sit down immediately and have an honest heart to heart about the state of your union. There are critical mistakes happening in your relationship that will eventually lead to its demise.  Seeing a professional counselor is highly recommended.

90 Days To A Fantastic Marriage

As we make our way through the year, most of us spend at least a few moments reflecting upon our lives. Typically we consider how our lives are going. Are we moving in the direction we want to move? Are our lives filled with the joy we wish for? For just a few moments I want you to reflect upon a few questions concerning your marriage, with the hope that this quiz will help direct you to strengthen areas of your marriage needing attention.

         Here is a short quiz:

·      Do you feel positively connected to your mate?

·      Do you feel appreciated and cared for by your mate?

·      Do you appreciate and care for your mate?

·      Do you share joy and happiness with your mate?

·      Do you have a sense that your mate is your ‘soul mate?’

Some of my questions may strike you as “mushy” and overly romantic. Who feels positively connected to their mate, you might ask? Can I still feel a sense of appreciation and care for my mate even after years of marriage?

The answer to these questions should be ‘yes,’ ‘yes,’ ‘yes.’ Not only should we feel this kind of connection to our mate, but we must feel this kind of connection if we are to have a vibrant, dynamic marriage.

In my latest book, 90 Days To A Fantastic Marriage, I list several key ingredients necessary for a fantastic marriage. I want to cite five things you can do NOW to make 2011 the best year ever for your marriage. Practice these five strategies for the next 90 days and I guarantee you will see a transformation in your relationship. Ready? Here we go.

One, choose rose-colored glasses. Yes, there may be many things to be concerned about in your marriage. There are undoubtedly many strengths to be celebrated as well. You can choose to focus on the things that bug you about your mate, or all the traits that drew you to him/ her in the first place. Furthermore, those qualities which you celebrate and pay attention to will likely grow. So, choose to be thankful for, and attend to, those qualities within your mate that still have the power to excite you. 

Two, bring out the best in your mate. You have the power to bring out the best (or worst) in your mate. Whatever you focus upon will become larger in your relationship. Take note of those qualities you want more of and compliment him/ her about them. Thank them for the extra niceties they do for you. Take note of their caring attitude toward others. Let them know that you notice their generosity of spirit, their sensitive nature, their love and compassion for others. By doing so you reinforce qualities of importance to you, making them feel like a million dollars in the process.

Three, nurture your mate’s dreams. There is little more life-giving than noting what is truly important to your mate. What are their secret dreams? What really makes their heart sing? Notice these things and encourage your mate to pursue their dreams. Let them know you are willing to make sacrifices for them to pursue something near and dear to their hearts. If they want to go back to school for that degree, let them know you will support them in their pursuit. If they want to learn a foreign language, take it with them. Nurture their dreams and in that way build an incredibly powerful connection to them.

Four, initiate change by encouragement. It’s official. Change doesn’t occur with criticism, so stop it. Every issue that arises in your marriage—and there will be many—can be handled more effectively with encouragement. For example: You’re bothered about the way your mate spends money. Do you criticize her, or do you let her know you appreciate how careful she was in the way she spent money over the holidays? You can weave in your concern by saying the following: “You know how concerned I am about money, and I sure appreciate how you were careful with spending over the past few weeks.” People make changes with encouragement, NOT criticism.

Finally, maintaining mutual admiration. It takes intentionality and focus to maintain positive momentum. Resist the natural temptation to slip back into criticism and negativity, and instead be Pollyannaish, noticing the good things about your mate. Everyone wants to be praised and responds positively to it. Compliment him/ her. Catch them doing things well. Speak highly of them and bring civility back to your marriage. You’ll be glad you did.

Saving A Marriage After Separation

There is little more painful than the day a couple separates. There is something frighteningly final about a separate, usually coming after months and perhaps years of conflict. With a separation comes the imminent threat of divorce—which is completely final.

The separation experience is different, of course, depending upon whether you are the “dumper” or “dumpee.” Both usually experience sadness, though the one being “dumped” often also feels intense fear, regret and bewilderment about their future.

Separation is like many other transitions, with feelings of confusion over the future. This is often uncharted territory for both parties, and emotions run high. Because of these intense feelings, impulsive decisions are often made. These decisions are frequently detrimental to the possibility of saving the marriage.

Consider this recent letter illustrating this issue.

Dear Dr. David. My husband and I have been separated for several months. We had lots of problems leading up to our separation, which I didn’t want. We were only married for several months before I found out I was pregnant. We also had serious illness in our family, we both worked, and we had financial problems.

I knew something was bothering my husband, but he would never talk to me. When I tried prying things out of him he became angry. He began spending more and more time with friends. I became angry with him, and have since regretted how I handled things. I am wondering if I pushed him away with my possessive behavior and angry feelings.

My husband and I have talked (mostly me) about things in our relationship that have made us unhappy. I have gotten everything of my chest and am ready to take the next step. He isn't making any effort to do any thing as far as I can tell. I see things I have done and I pray that God will help me change them. I also ask God to keep revealing to me things I am not aware of. I am to the point were something needs to happen. I can't keep playing this charade with him. I am ready to move on either with him or without. I don't want to be with him if he is not willing to work on changing things in our relationship.

I pray to God for guidance, strength, courage, and comfort. I don't know what else to do. I know divorce is wrong, but I really feel that my husband is waiting for me to make the first move because he doesn't want to be "the bad guy". I don't know what to do. I feel like going and filing for divorce tomorrow and just getting it over with. Can you please help?

This woman is in a very challenging place, emotionally and spiritually, which I talk about at length in my book, Love Lost. Living in the chasm between marriage and divorce is a troubling place, filled with uncertainty, fear and loneliness.

A separation, however, doesn’t have to be the final warning before a divorce. If handled correctly, and prayerfully, a separation can actually be a wake-up call for both parties, with opportunities to come back together healthier and happier than before.

Sound too good to be true? Consider these action steps if you’re in the middle of an unwanted separation.

First, go slowly. Impulsive actions are often driven by emotion, and usually end in disaster. A harshly spoken word drives a deeper wedge between you. A passive-aggressive action meant to get even only adds fuel to the fire. Be thoughtful, careful and deliberate in everything you say and do.

Second, meet your mate at their point of need. In other words, try to give your spouse what they are asking for. If they want space, give it to them. If they want solitude to reflect on the marriage, help them get it. If they want tenderness, show it to them.

Third, create healthy boundaries. Being kind doesn’t equate to being foolish. Being sensitive doesn’t mean you tolerate anything. For example, strongly request on there being no romantic alliances during this time.  Make clear agreements on how finances will be handled. Set and adhere to clear boundaries regarding the children.

Fourth, remedy problems. It took serious problems to lead to a separation. Seek to remedy those problems. Listen to what your mate is saying about why they insist on a separation. Seek information that will help you become a better person. Though extremely difficult, embrace this opportunity to change and grow.

Fifth, control anger and blame. It does no good to spew hostility on one another. Anger is divisive and leads not only to increased resentment and problems, but propels you toward the divorce. It doesn’t help to rehearse all your mate has done to you. Seek peace and cooperation.

Finally, build upon the positive. Look for opportunities to interact pleasantly with your mate. Find opportunities to treat your mate with respect and kindness. Help them remember why they fell in love with you in the beginning.

I’d love to hear from you. What has helped in managing the difficult emotions of separation? What has hurt the process?

On Losing A Child

A child, perhaps more than anything else, represents hope, innocence, and possibilities for the future—both theirs and ours. There is the possibility, through a child’s youthfulness and boundless energy, for us to live forever. We never stop dreaming what this child will become, what they will do and yes, oh, the places they’ll go.

But what happens when a child’s life is cut short by tragedy, suddenly ending dreams and hopes. While I’ve not experienced this horrific loss personally, I’ve counseled those who have. I’ve received countless letters from those who have and who have shared the unique crisis that occurs when this happens and walked with others through the healing process. 

The recent tragedy that struck the Steven Curtis Chapman home brought this issue to the forefront of our minds. As the Chapmans grieve and piece their lives back together, thousands of other couples are experiencing the same tragedy—some through SIDS, illness and of course, accidental death.

The loss of a child strikes a family on many levels. The Chapmans will not simply face the loss of their five-year old daughter Maria, but will experience lingering doubts, sadness and pain. They will wrestle with all the “what if’s” which occur with all of us following a painful loss. They must also assist their son in recovering from his part in this accidental death.

As if the challenges to the family weren’t enough, there will be unique issues facing the parents of the lost child. Research indicates that couples are more likely to face stress, and there is conflicting evidence about divorce rates for parents after losing a child.

Let’s consider some of the unique stresses facing the couple who have lost a child.

1.            Lack of communication. It is critical that the couple communicate effectively during these difficult days. Communication styles may be amplified, as one may want to talk more than the other. Still, the critical issue is to talk, talk, talk. Feelings, which will likely linger for a long time, must be shared. Communicating feelings and thoughts are the primary way we stay connected to each other.

2.            Encourage family communication and grief. The loss of a child doesn’t simply impact the parents, of course. The entire family has feelings about the loss. There is a unique loss for everyone in the family. Encourage family participation in times of sharing.

3.            Remember. The loss of a child never means that child is out of our awareness. The slightest incident can trigger a memory of that child. Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays will reawaken memories. The key is to “be with” those memories and feelings. Honor the lost child and your feelings for them. Talk about special traits and achievements of the lost child.

4.            Manage your pain and grief. While you will need to “be with” your grief as it unfolds, take care not to allow it to continue to overwhelm your life. There is a season for grieving, and then the grief will begin to subside and you can gently, gradually move forward with your life. Only you, however, will know when and how to move forward—others cannot tell you when and how to proceed.

5.            Honor differences in grieving. Not everyone grieves the same way. Don’t expect everyone to grieve the way you do. Work at creating an environment where different manners of grieving are respected. Just because someone doesn’t cry openly, for example, doesn’t mean they don’t share the same intensity of grief.

6.            Guard against blame and guilt. Because it is natural to “find a cause” for a loss, you must guard against blaming anyone for what happened. Blame will alienate you from your loved ones, intensifying your loss. It’s no one’s fault, and while seeking to blame someone is natural, it will only harm the situation.

7.            Be careful about being overprotective with your other children. It is natural, after the loss of a child, to overprotect your other children. Talk openly about this tendency, and guard against it. Your children need to be free to be children, and allowed the freedom to make mistakes.

8.            Be patient with others. Many won’t know how to comfort you. They may make inane comments that will hurt. We aren’t skilled at helping others through grief. Be clear with your friends and family as to how they can specifically help you through this time of loss. Most want to be helpful, and can be a tremendous source of support and strength during this difficult time. Others who have been through this loss will be particularly able to comfort you, and is, in fact, a responsibility. (II Corinthians 1: 4)

9.            Be aware that previous losses may be awakened by the current loss. If you have struggled in your marriage prior to this loss, your current tragedy may make this loss even more pronounced. Don’t be surprised if previous problems are amplified by the current grief. 

10.        Invite God into your home, marriage, family and entire grief process. Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5: 4) Allow God to comfort you through the tenderness of family and friends. Allow yourselves to receive counseling if needed. This is a season of vulnerability, and it is important to allow yourselves to be receivers of the mercy of others.

These are simply strategies to keep in mind as you move through this painful time of loss. Of course there is no simple recipe for dealing with grief. Loss is so unique and only you will know how you need to heal. Pay close attention to how this loss is impacting you and what you might learn from this experience. God won’t allow this tragedy to be without valuable lessons for you and those who love and care about you.

My final counsel was given to me during a particularly painful time of loss in my life. “Grieve well,” my friend said. “This is a time to simply be with your grief, and if you grieve well, you’ll come out the other side stronger than ever.” It was good counsel. 

Dealing with the Egotist in Your Life

You know them by the size of the voices, the size of their accomplishments and the size of their egos.

You know them by how small you feel when in their presence. What you have to say is not nearly as important as what they have to say. What you have done cannot measure up to what they have done. What you want and need rarely come into the conversations.

I’m talking, of course, about the egotists in your life.

I’m going to help you understand CrazyMakers, and how they make us feel so crazy.

The first in five of our parade of CrazyMakers is the Egotist. The Egotist lives life large. It’s all about them, what they’ve done, what they’re doing and what they plan to do. The Egotist is grandiose, arrogant and completely full of themselves.

Because the Egotist fills up every room they enter, there is little room left for you. What you think and feel, what you’ve done, doing or going to do, is of little real interest to them. They are much more inclined to talk about themselves.

So, are you getting anxious yet? Is this bringing someone special to mind? If so, you’re not alone. There are many Egotists in the world, and most of us have one or more in our family. You may be, in fact, married to one.

Listen to this email from a woman married to an Egotist.

Dear Dr. David. After reading your book, “Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life” I realized I’m married to an Egotist. He is so immature and full of himself. He’s always bragging about what he’s done, and never takes time to ask about my day. At first I was attracted to him because of his self-confidence. But, after a while, I realized that he never takes responsibility for his mistakes, always blames others for his problems and worst of all, seems to not be interested in my life.

After reading your book I discovered that I was slowly losing my voice with him. Because he is so proud of his accomplishments and loves to talk about himself, I started growing more and more into myself. I’ve become quiet and depressed. I know I need to assert myself more, but find it difficult to do since he is so powerful. Do you have any suggestions for how to balance our relationship? I feel like I have become small and frozen and want to come alive again. How can I tell him that I want to matter more to him? I want him to want to converse with me. I want him to care about my day, and have him help me with my problems. Is there any hope that he can change? Please help.


-Shrinking

Dear Shrinking,

You are describing a classic case of Egotism. Fortunately, you can learn more about this form of CrazyMaking and take effective steps to combat the problem. Consider these action steps.

First, you must come out of the deep freeze. Specifically, that means you must understand how your husband commands center stage and how you allow it to happen. So, you’re already beginning to come alive by noticing your discomfort. You must continue this growth process by noticing how and when your husband does things that make you feel small and insignificant.

Second, take control of your life. While you cannot control what he does, you can control what you do. Instead of shrinking, you can get large again by voicing your opinion, by disagreeing with him when appropriate. You can develop an action plan for change.

Third, share with him, repeatedly, your need for mutuality. Specifically, that means you ask him to listen to you share about your day. Point out to him when he interrupts you, and kindly ask him to stop. Force yourself to talk even when it’s easier to shrink back, allowing him to talk. Help him understand the concept of “give and take,” without assuming he knows it.

Fourth, voice your opinion. Dare to disagree with him. Emphasize that you appreciate his opinion, but that you are different from him. Validate his point of view, but also ask him to validate your right to see things differently. Make it clear that your point of view is just as valid as his, and ask him not to try to talk you out of it.

Fifth, share the things that are exciting to you. When tempted to shrink and grow quiet, in response to his grandiosity, talk about the things that are important to you. Be bold enough to share your pride in your own accomplishments. Ask him to please share in your excitement.

Finally, make a point of dancing differently with him—and talking about the changed dance. Let him know that things are going to change in how you talk. Catch him listening to you, and thank him for his attention. Let him know what you need, repeatedly, and that your conversational dance must change. Let him know that you appreciate his efforts.

Sincerely,

Dr. David

Do you have an Egotist in your life? A spouse, boss, employee? Start noticing how you naturally shrink in their presence. Notice the resentment you feel when everything revolves around them. However, don’t stop there. Use your resentment to change the dance. Insist on being true to yourself and asking for what you need.

I’d love to hear other suggestions for how you’ve coped with the Egotist in your life. 

CrazyMakers That Drive You Crazy

There is a game at the carnival where the object is to hit the pop-up gophers with a mallet. They pop up from every possible angle at any possible moment, and you have to hit so many pop-ups within a time limit to win a prize. The game can be fun, challenging, and actually beneficial in developing hand-to-eye coordination.

This game reminds me, sadly however, how it feels when dealing with a CrazyMaker. You can never pin them down or get the truth from them. As soon as you think you’ve got the straight information, you discover they have been lying. As soon as you believe you have accurate information, you find that the CrazyMaker has twisted information to suit their purposes. Filled with excuses, rationalizations, truth-twisting and denial, they can be extremely challenging. Needless to say, the end result is no fun. This is no game, there is no prize.

Consider this recent letter illustrating this issue.

Your article on fear really spoke to me. My husband and I have been married for fifteen years and I've walked on eggshells our entire marriage. Last year he had a relationship (he says platonic) but I know it was emotional. When I ask questions about it, he becomes defensive. I have caught him lying about it. I feel I can no longer trust him.

My husband has a way of turning things around on me. Before I know it, I’m the one feeling like I’ve done something wrong, when it is he that was wrong. I’m not sure how he does it, but I feel crazy when trying to talk to him about serious matters.

My husband has also been physically abusive. Last year, he hit me twice and still he never completed counseling. I’ve tried to submit completely, where I didn’t make any decisions, but now realize that what I am submitting to is not fitting by the Lord. I really feel that the Lord is telling me to get me and my boys out of an unrighteous house. I am staying true to my vows, even though my husband took his wedding ring off. I’m praying for reconciliation, but I know that only the Lord can do that. Do you have any advice? Please pray for me and my boys. I just want to do the Lord’s will. Thank you for this article. It helps to know I am not alone. 

Unfortunately, your husband is very much like a CrazyMaker—meaning someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and blames others for their problems. When we try to hold a CrazyMaker responsible, they become angry and turn things back on us, making us feel crazy.

In my book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life I talk about how the CrazyMaker is skilled at getting us “out of position.” By that I mean they use aggression, manipulation and other tactics to keep the focus off them and onto us. Therefore, we need to be smarter than the average CrazyMaker and find ways of getting back into position. Here are a few suggestions.

One, don’t argue with him. Instead, remind yourself of what is true and hold fast to it. You know the truth and you must hang onto it. Don’t try to convince him of the truth because it won’t work.

Second, don’t defend yourself. When he tries to turn things back on you, don’t allow it to happen. Again, you know the truth and this is what you must constantly rely upon. Don’t slip into playing the game of trying to convince him of what is happening. You’ll feel like you’re back at the carnival hitting those pop-up dolls.

Third, do allow yourself to firmly and clearly disagree with him. While I don’t want you to debate or argue with him, it is healthy to disagree when appropriate. You can make clear statements about what is true for you, what you prefer, and what you want to have happen.

Fourth, set firm boundaries. Never tolerate violence in your marriage. God hates violence and this destroys the sanctity of any marriage. Make it clear to your husband that if he is violent, you will take immediate action by calling the authorities.

Also, you need to set boundaries on any kind of unfaithfulness. Emotional affairs are still affairs and violations to the sacred agreement of marriage.

Finally, insist on marriage counseling. You and your husband are in serious trouble. With the support of friends and family, inform your husband that it is time for significant change. You must not enable this destructive process to continue, and your marriage needs your strength and courage.

Do you have a CrazyMaker in your life? What do you think about this woman’s situation? What counsel would you give her? I’d like to hear from you.